FINDING THE TRUE SELF CARE THAT FEEDS YOUR CORE

Self care is really having a moment right now, isn’t it?

There are more anxieties and pressures in the world now more than ever and with the uncertainty of the last year to add into the mix, understandably we need to make time for ourselves now more than ever.

We all have so many responsibilities, people, causes and things vying for our attention, so it’s only good and right that we take a moment and think about how we might intentionally care for ourselves.

However what worries me about this is that often, particularly for women, self care becomes a ‘nice to have’ rather than a ‘necessity to take care of ourselves’, as for women it often becomes just an extra line on our list of things to do:

- Reply to that email – TICK

- Get groceries – TICK

- Check in on that friend that seemed off – TICK

- Set a reminder to register kids for xyz – TICK

- Book a call with the accountant – TICK

- TAKE CARE OF SELF – ummmmm….Ok?

And that last item just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list, to tomorrow, to next week, to half term and on and on. It’s never a priority we allow ourselves.

But I really think we’ve got it wrong when we view self care in this same task-driven way that we see other compartments of our lives. What this ends up doing is making self care another thing to feel pressured to do, to accomplish, to attain and yet we don’t put it at the top of the list because often as women, we don’t allow ourselves to put ourselves first.

It also then means, because we are human and are already stretched, we end up trying to look for shortcuts, hacks or tips to try and quickly dip our toes in, partially attempt it or even more worryingly – we commodify it as something that can be purchased. 

This is one of my concerns about self care and the way that it’s perceived. It’s become another sneaky capitalist-skewed way of operating that we have to buy into and consequently we think that’s the only way to take care of ourselves. This only depletes us more and actually heaps even more shame on us if we ‘don’t get around to the self care thing this week’. 

And we all know what happens when shame enters the room, right? We shrink. We feel immobilised.

Rather than the self care we think we have to buy into, I’m interested in a more nuanced conversation about what it really means to care for ourselves. And even beyond that, what does it really mean for us to care for ourselves and each other in meaningful, restorative ways?

Because caring for ourselves as a concept might not be as helpful as it sounds or as helpful as we’re all led to believe it is. It really puts so much pressure on us to be able to do that and to do it right, when the reality is that we need each other in order to feel nourished just as much as we need ourselves. This is a human instinct and to deny that moves us away from our biological, innate essence.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s brilliant book - ‘Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle’ – they say this:

“No one is “complete” without other people—and we mean this literally. To be complete without social connection is to be nourished without food. It doesn’t happen. We get hungry. We get lonely. We must feed ourselves or die. We don’t mean you “need a man” or any kind of romantic partner. We mean you need connection in any or all of its varied forms. And it is also true that the lifelong development of autonomy is as innate to human nature as the drive to connect. We need both connection and autonomy. That’s not a contradiction. Humans are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again.”

 So what we need is this more generous, supportive and rich way to understand self care and this comes in two parts:

1) Community care. This community aspect is realising that we need each other. We need to intentionally connect with our community and allow ourselves to be helped and cared for as well as doing that for others. We do this through deep honest friendships, surrounding ourselves with those who nourish us and whom we can nourish in return.

The second part comes in:

2) The Self aspect. And we think we already know this one, but I think we need to look deeper than just candles and Netflix (although I have no doubt that these are often an indulgence and escape that we need sometimes too!) But what if instead of looking for ways to escape our life so we can feel cared for, we look deeper at the ways in which we really find fulfilment to nurture ourselves? 

What if we choose to reflect on the experiences and moments in our life where we have felt in flow, in our element or when we have felt like we are living our purpose, then we dilute and dissect what elements of those experiences brought us to life and use this as our starting point. 

When we really pinpoint those moments that make us feel full up and alive, often things come up like: ‘when I’m able to create without pressure,’ or ‘When I’m bringing people together for a purpose,’ or ‘when I get to experience novelty or be spontaneous’. These things are our core experiences and they are telling us something about ourselves and what our bodies, minds and souls need to feel cared for and nourished.

Once you’ve identified these core experiences that nourish us then self care becomes less about fitting those things in that we feel we ‘have to do’ but more about seeing how we might be able to integrate these core parts of what we need into an aspect of it in our already full lives. It becomes less about a to-do list and more about a deep connection to our core nutrients, an awareness of what we need to look after our souls and really fee in our flow and like our true selves.

It’s only when we see these two aspects, community care and your core nutrients weaving together that we see self care become intentional. Once we have this understanding, the self-care conversation can become much more whole – so we look at not just where we need that community connection but also what our full self needs in order to feel fulfilled and in flow.

Here are a couple of things to consider as you incorporate self care into your lives:

- Where are you accessing community right now? Where are the spaces where you feel connected and cared for in community? Where do you have the opportunity to do this for others as well?

- What are the experiences in your past where you have felt most alive or fulfilled? What were the elements of that experience that really nourished you? 

- Make a list, and then have a look at where you can integrate those things into your life now. Not as another thing to do but as a way to allow yourself to be creative at caring for yourself in a deeper more meaningful and sustainable way.

YOU CANNOT FIGHT YOUR FEAR

Have you ever been in that position where you feel like you’re standing on the brink of change? Maybe you’ve been thinking about a change, or you’ve got an idea you’re toying with or something that you really want to say or do but the fear of jumping in and going for it is holding you back.

Maybe you’ve dipped your toe in the water of something new and fear has got you frozen, unable to move past the point of a toe dip and you’re ready to run back to safer shores. 

If this sounds a bit like you and those feelings and thoughts are fear and swirling around, the fear of what could go wrong feels overwhelming, but I want you to know that those feelings are completely normal and understandable. I want us to acknowledge those feelings and use this little dose of bravery to help you move forward and take the jump.

I’m a mother to two kids and like most kids, they give me the run around at bedtime. My youngest is 5 and she especially loves the bedtime shenanigans. She is such a happy, chilled little girl until it comes to going to bed and as soon as it’s time for lights out, it starts. For the last five years, we have stayed with her while she’s falling asleep, now we’ve been trying to transition out of that because she’s five now and bedtime ends up taking forever!

We all end up cramped in her single bed as she gets overtired. But still when it’s time for lights out and whoever is putting her to bed to leave the room, she starts. She gets really scared and starts tells me all kinds of reasons why it’s not bedtime in an attempt to keep me in the room. The thing about this process is, she is completely capable of falling asleep by herself, she’s just afraid because it’s new.

And new things are scary.

The dark is scary (even when the lights are on!) But fear isn’t interested in what’s real when it shows up for us in our own lives. Fear exists to keep us safe and it will tell us anything to keep us in our comfort zone and the ‘known’.

Doing things that are outside of our comfort zone are hard to get used to and our brains tend to try and alert us and warn us off to help us avoid the risks of the unknown. 

For the first few times we tried this new bedtime routine it was really frustrating. Whoever was putting her to bed would get annoyed at how long the excuses and the faffing about went on for, then it would end up getting heated. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who can relate to this!

But this process made me realised that when it comes to fear it's actually counterintuitive to try and fight it. Fear is a human, innate instinct and when we try to bypass fear and think that we can fight it, argue with it, or force it into place, that's always going to be a lost cause. 

Fear is unpredictable and erratic. So for my daughter, getting annoyed at her fear only prolongs the fear and escalates the situation more.

When we are moving towards something new, it often involves making ourselves vulnerable, and even it’s something really exciting for you, fear is still at the ready. How fear shows up in our brain is by mentally throwing anything and everything it can think of to make us retreat away from this unknown territory of expansion and vulnerability into safety again. That’s why every thought we have in fear is often about failing, making a fool of ourselves or thinking of everything that could go wrong.

This is why fear is usually chaotic and unlikely to make a whole lot of sense, even though what we might be hearing in our head sounds ‘realistic’ or ‘reasonable’, it’s easier to accept that fear is right than to accept we need to push through this fear and these chaotic thoughts to succeed in taking the first step outside of the known.

So when those chaotic and overwhelming thoughts are dominating, what our fear often needs to hear is compassion and some good old reliable information. It needs tending to like a child kicking off at bedtime. It needs understanding, soothing and calming to counteract the chaos that it brings to our systems. 

As a parent, this means digging deep at the most tired part of the day when all you want to do is crash out on the sofa with an episode of something. And for anyone feeling fear about those things you want to do or want to explore, it means digging deep to find that understanding and compassion for ourselves when all of our instincts are telling us to run and simultaneously shaming ourselves for not having it together, or not being braver.

All we want is for our fear to go away and let us get on with the things we want to do. All I wanted was for my daughter to get there faster with the bedtime routine but she needs me to remain calm and not enter the chaos with her. To reassure her and be that rational voice to counteract the voice of fear. I can’t be the one to put gasoline on the fire of her fears by getting annoyed, instead I need to smother her fears with my love and patience. Hard as it is.

And you know what, after a few nights of digging deep, remaining calm and reassuring her, things are much calmer at bedtime. My reassurance has kept her calm and shown her that she can do it, that it’s safe and that we’re here to respond if she really does need us. It takes some evidence building to proof to herself and her fear that she’s capable of it for it to feel less scary. And it works the same way for us. 

So when you are thinking about or planning for the next thing you need to be brave about and you feel that rise of fear, know that you have it in you to dig deep, show yourself compassion and acknowledge your fear for what it is. 

Your body and brain are trying to protect you from the unknown and unfamiliar. By acknowledging that you can let your fear know that you are grateful for its protection and that you’d like to proceed. You can show it the evidence that you’re ready, that the thoughts of failure are not rational but fear’s safety net which you appreciate and need to move on from. 

You can give your fear a stroke on the proverbial head and reassure it that you can take it from here.

WHY PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE FEELS A BIT LIKE DYING

Dramatic title? Yes.

A really true feeling for so many women? Absolutely.

What is it about putting our ideas, businesses, products or thoughts out there that is so incredibly terrifying?

I know I’m not alone in recognising this because I talk to women every. single. day. who are more afraid of telling people about their work or ideas than they are of most other things.

I have a few thoughts on why this is so that I think will help us understand what this is all about and why we need to find tools to move past it.

1) OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED FOR SAFETY.

This is just the science. The same part of our brain that becomes alert to any kind of physical risk is the same part of our brain that becomes alert when we decide to move towards something that might expose us to emotional risk. When we contemplate pursuing a new thing, offering a new service, creating something we have never done before or telling people about what we have to offer, that part of our brain perks up.

It tells us that we are approaching territory that is unknown and therefore surmises that it is unsafe for us. It creates adrenaline and releases it and other chemicals into our bodies that we recognise as feelings associated with fear. The challenge here is that we need this part of our brain to work for times when we are actually at risk; when we are not safe or when we see something happening that tells us to fight, flight or freeze.

We don’t, however, always need that safety mechanism in our brain to kick into full gear when it comes to putting ourselves out there. We need to develop tools to sooth our brain to recognise this vulnerability we are feeling as a passage to potential fulfilment. Our brains primarily just want to keep us safe. They aren’t interested in our fulfilment or satisfaction.

2) THE WIDER NARRATIVE IS OFTEN NEGATIVE.

Putting yourself out there with your work or ideas is brave, there is no doubt. But bravery, when it comes to women, is still not recognised in the same way as it is with men. All across our media, the messages we are picking up about women who put their head above the parapet are conflating and charged. We see women picked apart in every area of life: Doing great work? Must not be a distracted mother or partner. Speaking up about something important? Must be a pushy bitch or aggressive. Staying at home with her kids? Must be boring or not have ambition. And so it goes. This wider narrative can make us feel at great risk, catastrophising the outcomes of putting ourselves out there because of what we see and hear.

It’s hard not to internalise all of these narratives because they are all around us. No wonder we hide or hesitate when it comes to sharing about what we are good at or what we might have to bring to the table! We need to blow up the stereotypes for each other and take control of the narratives for ourselves - calling them out, encouraging other women who are holding themselves out there bravely.

3) LIKEABILITY HAS BEEN OUR CURRENCY.

For centuries, our main currency as women has been likeability. When we couldn’t get access to financial autonomy, or votes, or jobs, we had to rely on being likeable to get by. Stay small and quiet and compliant and likeable and you’ll be fine. You’ll survive.

We have outgrown those confines now, but this likeability hangover is real. When likability has been the main way that women have navigated the world for such a long time to stay safe, it’s really hard to imagine risking that by putting yourself out there for other people’s opinions to be formed of you. But in order to do good, true, honest work, we have to release that risk. I can promise you that not everyone is going to like what you do and I can also promise you that you will survive that.

Our desire to be likeable at all costs – even the cost of our own fulfilment will be a real, visceral feeling that we have to try and override if we want to put our work, our solutions, our thinking and ideas into the world.

Our job is to update some of these stories so they don’t continue to hold us back. Update them by finding the tools to soothe our brains when we feel the fear responses kicking in, to blow up the narratives that try to undermine or pigeon hole us and understand that not everyone is going to like us or what we do and that that is ultimately OK.

How do you feel about putting yourself out there with what you have to offer? Do you relate to any of this? I have a great FREE resource for helping you build that toolkit to move through fear - you can grab it here.

WANT TO FIGURE OUT YOUR PURPOSE? THIS MIGHT HELP...

Is there a bigger question out there than this?

So much of my work with women often centres around these questions:

What is my purpose?

Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing?

What if what I’m doing now feels purposeless?

How can I pivot towards something that aligns more with who I truly am and what I really care about?

Firstly, let’s zoom out a little bit:

I’m not sure this idea of ‘having a purpose’ as a concept is as passive as we sometimes imagine it to be. As I see it, the whole concept of ‘having a purpose’ hinges on being intentional: choosing something to be purposeful about. So instead of thinking about it in a mystical sense, like our purpose is going to descend from the sky and onto our lap, we can be a bit more practical with it: What do I care enough about that I am willing to give it my attention? Purpose is about how we intentionally chose to use our time.

Here’s the truth of the matter. We are going to live on this earth for an unknown period of time and during that time we will do all kinds of things with our lives. We will have many jobs and many roles and care about many different things. We will throw lots of things at the wall to see if it sticks. Some of these things will end up being important to us. Some of them will absolutely not and our attention on them will run dry. The stuff that sticks, for however long it sticks, is the important stuff – the stuff we should pay attention to.

So instead of asking “What is my purpose?” a better question might be “What is showing up and drawing me to pay more attention to it right now?”

I have a few other ideas and things that you might want to consider when it comes to understanding your purpose and how to be more intentional about it:

• It’s my belief that on a macro level, our BIG purpose as humans is to make things better. To make ourselves, our relationships, our communities, our society, our environments better. To leave things more whole than they once were or have come to be. To inject beauty into things that might be overlooked, neglected or mistreated. To bring light to dark places in the world, in our culture, in ourselves. When you are wondering what you should be doing, or struggling to figure out what your purpose is - remember this first - come back to this: We are here to improve whatever we can, whenever we can - no matter how big or small - it all counts. It all boils back down to this and we’d all be so much better off if we remembered it more.

• It’s also important to remember that our sense of purpose should evolve throughout time as we do. Purpose is a living, breathing concept. It should expand and contract alongside our own development. It should move and flow with all of the seasons of life that we go through. Our sense of purpose, or our call to pay more attention to something in particular is not supposed to be a one-time, fixed thing. It can involve dedication and commitment at times, of course. It can ask of us to stay the course or to explore and activate our curiosity, but purpose is not the same as obligation. Our purpose should evolve as we do; as our experiences, passions, mindset, exposure to different ways of seeing the world does. Obligation to something that might have once felt purposeful but we have evolved past is a recipe for resentment. We should give ourselves explicit permission to allow our sense of purpose to evolve.

• And finally, for most of us, we already know what our purpose is in this season of our lives because it likely already occupies so much of our headspace. The problem isn’t finding it or figuring out what it is – the problem is acknowledging it and moving towards it. For most of us, that’s where the process stops. It’s not an issue of not knowing – I reckon most of us know what it is that we would love to be intentionally pursuing in our lives – the issue is giving ourselves permission to pursue it, or facing the uncertainty of what pursuing it might mean. It’s also important to note that sometimes the thing you feel is your purpose will become your money-making job and sometimes it will be the thing that save you from your money making job. One trajectory is not more important than the other when purpose is concerned. Purpose only wants to be acknowledged and fulfilled - how that happens isn’t the most important bit.

I wonder if you’ve given much thought to this concept of purpose before? Do you know what it is that you ought to be paying more attention to right now? Is there anything you need to give yourself permission to evolve past in order to move towards something more aligned for you in this season?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave me a comment here or on social media and let’s chat some more about this idea of purpose.