THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING AN INFLUENCER

I don't know how long you’ve been following along in terms of the work that I do or what I share, but if you were around pre-pandemic, you may have seen that I had a little bit of time where I was exploring the idea of influence. I went on a bit of a quest to explore what it means in culture today; to break open the word and dig out all the flesh that we have put around it and try to find out what is at its core – the real juicy stuff.

And I got somewhere with it. Somewhere surprising. It was exciting to lift the layers and see what’s underneath all the trappings of influence that we have created for ourselves. (sidenote: what we have created - not wonderful)

You see, for the majority of my early career I was involved in activism work. Working with charities, running charity projects, advocating, lobbying, creating movements for change. I’ve met people along the way that have shaped my idea of influence while working in that world. I’ve witnessed a hunger for influence in the social justice sphere and been fascinated at how the power dynamics work when working for systemic change. I’ve seen what it takes for shifts to happen in the policy room or the campaign planning session; how influence is used – in healthy and unhealthy ways.  Yes. The non-profit sector is not always healthy. Activism is not always healthy. Crazy, right? Imagine.

And then of course in the last several years I’ve also been building my own business, one that largely operates online. And I believe that my business holds closely the same values as my non-profit work – empowering, advocating and opening conversations about systemic issues that have held women and girls back and creating connections so they can flourish – but this time my medium for this work has changed. I’ve been immersed in the world of social media, working to have my message heard there, connecting with others who are doing the same. And I’ve noticed that to have influence in this sphere requires very different trappings and associations and what is held up as influential when it comes to the online world has sometimes left a lot to desire. For me, anyway.

Both of these worlds have been fascinating to be part of and what influence looks like and what it takes to acquire it are very contrasting from one to the other. Not better. Not more effective. Just different.

In one world, influence is largely about who you know at the top.

In the other world, influence is largely about how many people are looking.

In one world, influence is about needing to be an expert in your field.

In the other world, influence can be gained by staging expertise or being the loudest in the room.

In one world, influence is mastered by having firm boundaries.

In the other world, influence is largely gained by blurred personal/private lines.

There are so many contrasts to it all.

How does influence work so differently in one area to another?

Are there common threads that run through both?

A couple of years back while I was exploring this more deeply,  I asked my friends on Instagram to think about who has truly been influential in their lives. I wanted to know what the top qualities of that person were that made them so significantly influential to them.

The answers to this came in thick and fast and it would seem that the people who have been incredible influences on our lives are quite close to our minds, easy to recount.

I paid close attention to the responses and what fascinated me was that there were some recurring themes. Themes that I spent some time sorting through to make sense of.

What occurred to me in sifting through this all, these personal lived experiences of being influenced by someone else is that influence isn’t actually about what happens on the outside.

Influence seems to be an inside job.

Being a person of influence isn’t something that you can cajole or project - it’s an inner work that makes it’s way out and seems to have depth to it that makes it last a long time..

As I looked through all the data and the interviews and research I did back then, I thought it would be encourage to share with you some of the life-changing things that emerged in my findings about the inside out idea of influence. You may want to make notes for this one. Be challenged and hopeful.

• Influence isn’t actually about outer platforms – it’s about an inner posture.

People shared with me about their secondary school teachers, their grandparents, their foster mums, their neighbours who didnt necessarily have some sort of wild following or fame, but their inner landscape was so rich and magnetic that it left a lasting impact on them. It inspired them or comforted them so much so that they hold that person in such high regard as someone who continues to influence how they live their lives and show up for others. 

• Influence isn’t about momentary notoriety – it’s about long-term dedication.

Often these stories about people who have been influential were about long term witnessing of integrity. There was no real fan fare but a deep knowledge of someone being a consistent and steady presence. 

• Influence isn’t about power – it’s about contribution.

All of these people mentioned as being influential seemed to have some sort of willingness to contribute with intention. They seemed to recognise their significance in the relationship and wanted to add value to other peoples lives. It never came up that someone was influential because they had power or because they could get them further up a ladder - it was about an investment in the wellbeing of the persons life.

• Influence isn’t about reach, it’s about depth.

Integrity plays a big part here. Those reflections were often about admiring the persons responses to difficulties in life and learning from that example. It wasn’t about how many people loved them, it was about the depth of character that they could see and feel.

• Influence isn’t about accumulation, it’s about generosity.

Similarly, there was a huge amount of generosity mentioned in these interviews and responses - the people that had great influence tended to be those that, wether wealthy or not - were generous with their time, generous in their relationship. And that seemed to count for a lot more.

• Influence isn’t about perfecting who we are, it’s about becoming who we are.

No one claimed these people to be perfect - and in some instances, there was discussion of how the person actually had changed over time or transformed in a way from situations of difficulty and chaos into creating a life that was meaningful and had purpose. There was never any illusion that they were perfect people or that that was even important, but that they could see their evolution as inspiring.

• Influence isn’t about striving, it’s about ease.

I heard phrases like ‘they had a peaceful presence’ or they were a safe space, which felt like an important thing to note - it seems like people of true lasting influence are not always striving or trying to earn their place - they seem to be able to be present and a true person of calm.

These are life-changing truths because they tip our cultures idea of influence on it’s head.

I would love for this definition of influence  - the ones that have emerged based on the stories of real people I heard about, to be the new rebrand of the word. I love that this definition means that we don’t have to wait for numbers and figures to have an impact. We don’t have to show up perfectly or expertly or loudly. We don’t have to wait for some sort of status. We get to have an impact on people now - we get to influence each other now.. We get to do the inner work that brings integrity back into a world that so badly needs some now. This could just be the relief we all need to keep perspective in a world that can be so loud, so distracted by shiny things. 

As always, I’m here - willing to chat more - you can email me hello@melwiggins.com or catch me on IG or my email list  if you want to hear more on this - Sign up below!

Three ways you can work with me right now:

• Over the summer I have a few spaces available for VIP Days. If you need a more in depth burst of strategy and clarity but are short on time, join me for an in-person (or virtual online) day of getting clear, strategic and excited about the next stage of your business. These days have been amazing for my clients. We solve problems, generate new ideas and ways of working and have the best time doing it.

• Join my Brand Builder Group Programme! It is GLORIOUS! I've been running this programme ongoing for the last year and it really is so special. It's part self-learning, part live group-coaching and right now I have a beautiful group of female business owners going through the modules to help them create super sonic clarity, greater self-belief and ways of working that completely change the game for their energy and goals in their businesses. If you'd like to hear more about it, click the link in the shownotes or let's find a time to chat about where things are at for you and if this could be the right next step in developing you and your work. There is a link to Book a call with me in the show notes as well. ​

• If you’re not a business owner but you think your workplace could benefit from some coaching and training from me to help bring more connection to your teams and better ways of working when it comes to challenges and change, then I’d love to chat about that too. 

FINDING THE TRUE SELF CARE THAT FEEDS YOUR CORE

Self care is really having a moment right now, isn’t it?

There are more anxieties and pressures in the world now more than ever and with the uncertainty of the last year to add into the mix, understandably we need to make time for ourselves now more than ever.

We all have so many responsibilities, people, causes and things vying for our attention, so it’s only good and right that we take a moment and think about how we might intentionally care for ourselves.

However what worries me about this is that often, particularly for women, self care becomes a ‘nice to have’ rather than a ‘necessity to take care of ourselves’, as for women it often becomes just an extra line on our list of things to do:

- Reply to that email – TICK

- Get groceries – TICK

- Check in on that friend that seemed off – TICK

- Set a reminder to register kids for xyz – TICK

- Book a call with the accountant – TICK

- TAKE CARE OF SELF – ummmmm….Ok?

And that last item just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list, to tomorrow, to next week, to half term and on and on. It’s never a priority we allow ourselves.

But I really think we’ve got it wrong when we view self care in this same task-driven way that we see other compartments of our lives. What this ends up doing is making self care another thing to feel pressured to do, to accomplish, to attain and yet we don’t put it at the top of the list because often as women, we don’t allow ourselves to put ourselves first.

It also then means, because we are human and are already stretched, we end up trying to look for shortcuts, hacks or tips to try and quickly dip our toes in, partially attempt it or even more worryingly – we commodify it as something that can be purchased. 

This is one of my concerns about self care and the way that it’s perceived. It’s become another sneaky capitalist-skewed way of operating that we have to buy into and consequently we think that’s the only way to take care of ourselves. This only depletes us more and actually heaps even more shame on us if we ‘don’t get around to the self care thing this week’. 

And we all know what happens when shame enters the room, right? We shrink. We feel immobilised.

Rather than the self care we think we have to buy into, I’m interested in a more nuanced conversation about what it really means to care for ourselves. And even beyond that, what does it really mean for us to care for ourselves and each other in meaningful, restorative ways?

Because caring for ourselves as a concept might not be as helpful as it sounds or as helpful as we’re all led to believe it is. It really puts so much pressure on us to be able to do that and to do it right, when the reality is that we need each other in order to feel nourished just as much as we need ourselves. This is a human instinct and to deny that moves us away from our biological, innate essence.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s brilliant book - ‘Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle’ – they say this:

“No one is “complete” without other people—and we mean this literally. To be complete without social connection is to be nourished without food. It doesn’t happen. We get hungry. We get lonely. We must feed ourselves or die. We don’t mean you “need a man” or any kind of romantic partner. We mean you need connection in any or all of its varied forms. And it is also true that the lifelong development of autonomy is as innate to human nature as the drive to connect. We need both connection and autonomy. That’s not a contradiction. Humans are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again.”

 So what we need is this more generous, supportive and rich way to understand self care and this comes in two parts:

1) Community care. This community aspect is realising that we need each other. We need to intentionally connect with our community and allow ourselves to be helped and cared for as well as doing that for others. We do this through deep honest friendships, surrounding ourselves with those who nourish us and whom we can nourish in return.

The second part comes in:

2) The Self aspect. And we think we already know this one, but I think we need to look deeper than just candles and Netflix (although I have no doubt that these are often an indulgence and escape that we need sometimes too!) But what if instead of looking for ways to escape our life so we can feel cared for, we look deeper at the ways in which we really find fulfilment to nurture ourselves? 

What if we choose to reflect on the experiences and moments in our life where we have felt in flow, in our element or when we have felt like we are living our purpose, then we dilute and dissect what elements of those experiences brought us to life and use this as our starting point. 

When we really pinpoint those moments that make us feel full up and alive, often things come up like: ‘when I’m able to create without pressure,’ or ‘When I’m bringing people together for a purpose,’ or ‘when I get to experience novelty or be spontaneous’. These things are our core experiences and they are telling us something about ourselves and what our bodies, minds and souls need to feel cared for and nourished.

Once you’ve identified these core experiences that nourish us then self care becomes less about fitting those things in that we feel we ‘have to do’ but more about seeing how we might be able to integrate these core parts of what we need into an aspect of it in our already full lives. It becomes less about a to-do list and more about a deep connection to our core nutrients, an awareness of what we need to look after our souls and really fee in our flow and like our true selves.

It’s only when we see these two aspects, community care and your core nutrients weaving together that we see self care become intentional. Once we have this understanding, the self-care conversation can become much more whole – so we look at not just where we need that community connection but also what our full self needs in order to feel fulfilled and in flow.

Here are a couple of things to consider as you incorporate self care into your lives:

- Where are you accessing community right now? Where are the spaces where you feel connected and cared for in community? Where do you have the opportunity to do this for others as well?

- What are the experiences in your past where you have felt most alive or fulfilled? What were the elements of that experience that really nourished you? 

- Make a list, and then have a look at where you can integrate those things into your life now. Not as another thing to do but as a way to allow yourself to be creative at caring for yourself in a deeper more meaningful and sustainable way.

WANT TO FIGURE OUT YOUR PURPOSE? THIS MIGHT HELP...

Is there a bigger question out there than this?

So much of my work with women often centres around these questions:

What is my purpose?

Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing?

What if what I’m doing now feels purposeless?

How can I pivot towards something that aligns more with who I truly am and what I really care about?

Firstly, let’s zoom out a little bit:

I’m not sure this idea of ‘having a purpose’ as a concept is as passive as we sometimes imagine it to be. As I see it, the whole concept of ‘having a purpose’ hinges on being intentional: choosing something to be purposeful about. So instead of thinking about it in a mystical sense, like our purpose is going to descend from the sky and onto our lap, we can be a bit more practical with it: What do I care enough about that I am willing to give it my attention? Purpose is about how we intentionally chose to use our time.

Here’s the truth of the matter. We are going to live on this earth for an unknown period of time and during that time we will do all kinds of things with our lives. We will have many jobs and many roles and care about many different things. We will throw lots of things at the wall to see if it sticks. Some of these things will end up being important to us. Some of them will absolutely not and our attention on them will run dry. The stuff that sticks, for however long it sticks, is the important stuff – the stuff we should pay attention to.

So instead of asking “What is my purpose?” a better question might be “What is showing up and drawing me to pay more attention to it right now?”

I have a few other ideas and things that you might want to consider when it comes to understanding your purpose and how to be more intentional about it:

• It’s my belief that on a macro level, our BIG purpose as humans is to make things better. To make ourselves, our relationships, our communities, our society, our environments better. To leave things more whole than they once were or have come to be. To inject beauty into things that might be overlooked, neglected or mistreated. To bring light to dark places in the world, in our culture, in ourselves. When you are wondering what you should be doing, or struggling to figure out what your purpose is - remember this first - come back to this: We are here to improve whatever we can, whenever we can - no matter how big or small - it all counts. It all boils back down to this and we’d all be so much better off if we remembered it more.

• It’s also important to remember that our sense of purpose should evolve throughout time as we do. Purpose is a living, breathing concept. It should expand and contract alongside our own development. It should move and flow with all of the seasons of life that we go through. Our sense of purpose, or our call to pay more attention to something in particular is not supposed to be a one-time, fixed thing. It can involve dedication and commitment at times, of course. It can ask of us to stay the course or to explore and activate our curiosity, but purpose is not the same as obligation. Our purpose should evolve as we do; as our experiences, passions, mindset, exposure to different ways of seeing the world does. Obligation to something that might have once felt purposeful but we have evolved past is a recipe for resentment. We should give ourselves explicit permission to allow our sense of purpose to evolve.

• And finally, for most of us, we already know what our purpose is in this season of our lives because it likely already occupies so much of our headspace. The problem isn’t finding it or figuring out what it is – the problem is acknowledging it and moving towards it. For most of us, that’s where the process stops. It’s not an issue of not knowing – I reckon most of us know what it is that we would love to be intentionally pursuing in our lives – the issue is giving ourselves permission to pursue it, or facing the uncertainty of what pursuing it might mean. It’s also important to note that sometimes the thing you feel is your purpose will become your money-making job and sometimes it will be the thing that save you from your money making job. One trajectory is not more important than the other when purpose is concerned. Purpose only wants to be acknowledged and fulfilled - how that happens isn’t the most important bit.

I wonder if you’ve given much thought to this concept of purpose before? Do you know what it is that you ought to be paying more attention to right now? Is there anything you need to give yourself permission to evolve past in order to move towards something more aligned for you in this season?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave me a comment here or on social media and let’s chat some more about this idea of purpose.  

WHY JEALOUSY, COMPARISON + DISCOMFORT IS A GIFT

This happens to all of us. None of us are immune to these three things. Jealousy, Comparison and Discomfort. 

• You see someone doing something really well, stepping out, showing up or taking steps towards something exciting and it stings. You question their motives, pick holes in their methods, inwardly (or maybe outwardly) have a pop at their action. Jealousy.

• You watch as someone launches a new thing that is really similar to your idea. You agonise over what they are doing because they are doing it in ways you hadn’t thought of or with seemingly more ease or traction. You follow closely, weigh up how your version of that thing isn’t as good or executed as well, sinking into feelings of being an imposter or worthlessness. Comparison.

• You brew an idea for something, let it simmer and realise all the work that is ahead of you to make it happen. You maybe mention it to a few people, don’t get the responses you wanted and that sense of failure hangs close. You shut things down before you even begin. Discomfort.

But what if these three feelings don’t have to be enveloped in pain? What if they are guiding markers, leading us towards understanding something really true about ourselves?

I want to flip the idea that jealousy, comparison and discomfort are feelings that we should go into battle with and show how, if we frame them just a little differently, they can give us some solid information and motivation that will propel us into action instead of hiding and shutting ourselves away.

Here are three reasons why we should capture these feelings and lean into them a little more:

1)    THEY POINTS OUT TO US THE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY PRECIOUS TO US.

What if instead of being frustrated or annoyed by jealousy or comparison we took information from it? What if we could loosen the power of these feelings over us by activating our curiosity.

When those feelings arise, instead of fanning them into full flame, what we can do is tune our mind to slow down and be curious about what our reaction or response is telling us.

“I’m having a strong reaction to this situation or person – I wonder what it is about it that is bringing up these feelings for me”.

Our brains are wired to get answers quickly and often we repeat patterns that we have learned over the years that are unhelpful to us in a bid to rationalise our way out of discomfort.

If we activate curiosity instead, we can actually learn some incredible truths about ourselves in the situation. What we can do is harness the feeling of comparison or jealousy to unlock some deeper stuff that is probably going on for us and use it as fuel to move ahead instead of throwing the towel in or getting competitive and frantic.

Feelings of comparison are actually really useful and can reveal for us some of our deepest desires.

INSTEAD OF THIS:

“Oh – every time I hear about that person speaking at events it makes me feel really behind. She is everywhere.”

ACTIVATE CURIOUS THINKING:

“When I hear of people getting opportunities to speak at events it sparks something in me that might lead me to think that I would quite like to do that. I wonder how I can connect with people to see if that could be an opportunity for me”.

 Do you hear the difference in the tone? Curiosity opens us up to possibilities instead of allowing old patterns of how we manage comparison and jealousy to steal our joy.

2)    THEY CAN SHOW US THE POTENTIAL AVAILABLE TO US.

When we view jealousy, comparison and discomfort as a gift, rather than something to banish, we can allow ourselves to see the potential for movement.

There are so many temptations around us in patriarchal culture that try to usher us into the mindset of scarcity and not-enoughness. There are not enough customers, not enough ears that will listen, not enough time to do something different, not enough space for me to bring the thing I really want to to life.

This BS messaging keeps us small.

What if we saw women who are putting themselves out there as allies instead of competition? What if you saw someone doing something that you would love to do and instead of feeling like you’ve missed the boat you could think “that is inspiring and if she can do it, why not me too?”.

Staying in discomfort, jealousy and comparison reinforces a culture of scarcity and pits women against each other instead of seeing it as a window from which we can view what is possible for us as well.

The next time you have those feelings come up, practice this updated way of thinking and do one small thing that will move you towards the idea you have – it will serve you so much better than rolling around in the pain of scarcity and inaction.

3)    THEY ARE ALERTING US THAT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

When jealousy, comparison and discomfort hit, you can be sure that you are on the precipice of moving towards something significant for you.

Our brains are wired to alert us when we are inching towards unknown territory or putting ourselves out there in a way that might make us vulnerable. It will use jealousy, comparison and discomfort to try and tug you back into that place of safety and comfort. You don’t have to let it.

My friends, this is not where you are made to stay. Comfort zones are rarely comfortable. They are there for when we need healing and deeper restoration, but not for when we want to take steps towards the things that feel really true and freeing for us.

I urge you today to look at how you’ve been handling feelings of jealousy, comparison and discomfort and see if you can give yourself permission to learn from them and lean into the powerful information you can gain from framing those experiences differently.