WHY PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE FEELS A BIT LIKE DYING
Dramatic title? Yes.
A really true feeling for so many women? Absolutely.
What is it about putting our ideas, businesses, products or thoughts out there that is so incredibly terrifying?
I know I’m not alone in recognising this because I talk to women every. single. day. who are more afraid of telling people about their work or ideas than they are of most other things.
I have a few thoughts on why this is so that I think will help us understand what this is all about and why we need to find tools to move past it.
1) OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED FOR SAFETY.
This is just the science. The same part of our brain that becomes alert to any kind of physical risk is the same part of our brain that becomes alert when we decide to move towards something that might expose us to emotional risk. When we contemplate pursuing a new thing, offering a new service, creating something we have never done before or telling people about what we have to offer, that part of our brain perks up.
It tells us that we are approaching territory that is unknown and therefore surmises that it is unsafe for us. It creates adrenaline and releases it and other chemicals into our bodies that we recognise as feelings associated with fear. The challenge here is that we need this part of our brain to work for times when we are actually at risk; when we are not safe or when we see something happening that tells us to fight, flight or freeze.
We don’t, however, always need that safety mechanism in our brain to kick into full gear when it comes to putting ourselves out there. We need to develop tools to sooth our brain to recognise this vulnerability we are feeling as a passage to potential fulfilment. Our brains primarily just want to keep us safe. They aren’t interested in our fulfilment or satisfaction.
2) THE WIDER NARRATIVE IS OFTEN NEGATIVE.
Putting yourself out there with your work or ideas is brave, there is no doubt. But bravery, when it comes to women, is still not recognised in the same way as it is with men. All across our media, the messages we are picking up about women who put their head above the parapet are conflating and charged. We see women picked apart in every area of life: Doing great work? Must not be a distracted mother or partner. Speaking up about something important? Must be a pushy bitch or aggressive. Staying at home with her kids? Must be boring or not have ambition. And so it goes. This wider narrative can make us feel at great risk, catastrophising the outcomes of putting ourselves out there because of what we see and hear.
It’s hard not to internalise all of these narratives because they are all around us. No wonder we hide or hesitate when it comes to sharing about what we are good at or what we might have to bring to the table! We need to blow up the stereotypes for each other and take control of the narratives for ourselves - calling them out, encouraging other women who are holding themselves out there bravely.
3) LIKEABILITY HAS BEEN OUR CURRENCY.
For centuries, our main currency as women has been likeability. When we couldn’t get access to financial autonomy, or votes, or jobs, we had to rely on being likeable to get by. Stay small and quiet and compliant and likeable and you’ll be fine. You’ll survive.
We have outgrown those confines now, but this likeability hangover is real. When likability has been the main way that women have navigated the world for such a long time to stay safe, it’s really hard to imagine risking that by putting yourself out there for other people’s opinions to be formed of you. But in order to do good, true, honest work, we have to release that risk. I can promise you that not everyone is going to like what you do and I can also promise you that you will survive that.
Our desire to be likeable at all costs – even the cost of our own fulfilment will be a real, visceral feeling that we have to try and override if we want to put our work, our solutions, our thinking and ideas into the world.
Our job is to update some of these stories so they don’t continue to hold us back. Update them by finding the tools to soothe our brains when we feel the fear responses kicking in, to blow up the narratives that try to undermine or pigeon hole us and understand that not everyone is going to like us or what we do and that that is ultimately OK.
How do you feel about putting yourself out there with what you have to offer? Do you relate to any of this? I have a great FREE resource for helping you build that toolkit to move through fear - you can grab it here.
