YOU CANNOT FIGHT YOUR FEAR

Have you ever been in that position where you feel like you’re standing on the brink of change? Maybe you’ve been thinking about a change, or you’ve got an idea you’re toying with or something that you really want to say or do but the fear of jumping in and going for it is holding you back.

Maybe you’ve dipped your toe in the water of something new and fear has got you frozen, unable to move past the point of a toe dip and you’re ready to run back to safer shores. 

If this sounds a bit like you and those feelings and thoughts are fear and swirling around, the fear of what could go wrong feels overwhelming, but I want you to know that those feelings are completely normal and understandable. I want us to acknowledge those feelings and use this little dose of bravery to help you move forward and take the jump.

I’m a mother to two kids and like most kids, they give me the run around at bedtime. My youngest is 5 and she especially loves the bedtime shenanigans. She is such a happy, chilled little girl until it comes to going to bed and as soon as it’s time for lights out, it starts. For the last five years, we have stayed with her while she’s falling asleep, now we’ve been trying to transition out of that because she’s five now and bedtime ends up taking forever!

We all end up cramped in her single bed as she gets overtired. But still when it’s time for lights out and whoever is putting her to bed to leave the room, she starts. She gets really scared and starts tells me all kinds of reasons why it’s not bedtime in an attempt to keep me in the room. The thing about this process is, she is completely capable of falling asleep by herself, she’s just afraid because it’s new.

And new things are scary.

The dark is scary (even when the lights are on!) But fear isn’t interested in what’s real when it shows up for us in our own lives. Fear exists to keep us safe and it will tell us anything to keep us in our comfort zone and the ‘known’.

Doing things that are outside of our comfort zone are hard to get used to and our brains tend to try and alert us and warn us off to help us avoid the risks of the unknown. 

For the first few times we tried this new bedtime routine it was really frustrating. Whoever was putting her to bed would get annoyed at how long the excuses and the faffing about went on for, then it would end up getting heated. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who can relate to this!

But this process made me realised that when it comes to fear it's actually counterintuitive to try and fight it. Fear is a human, innate instinct and when we try to bypass fear and think that we can fight it, argue with it, or force it into place, that's always going to be a lost cause. 

Fear is unpredictable and erratic. So for my daughter, getting annoyed at her fear only prolongs the fear and escalates the situation more.

When we are moving towards something new, it often involves making ourselves vulnerable, and even it’s something really exciting for you, fear is still at the ready. How fear shows up in our brain is by mentally throwing anything and everything it can think of to make us retreat away from this unknown territory of expansion and vulnerability into safety again. That’s why every thought we have in fear is often about failing, making a fool of ourselves or thinking of everything that could go wrong.

This is why fear is usually chaotic and unlikely to make a whole lot of sense, even though what we might be hearing in our head sounds ‘realistic’ or ‘reasonable’, it’s easier to accept that fear is right than to accept we need to push through this fear and these chaotic thoughts to succeed in taking the first step outside of the known.

So when those chaotic and overwhelming thoughts are dominating, what our fear often needs to hear is compassion and some good old reliable information. It needs tending to like a child kicking off at bedtime. It needs understanding, soothing and calming to counteract the chaos that it brings to our systems. 

As a parent, this means digging deep at the most tired part of the day when all you want to do is crash out on the sofa with an episode of something. And for anyone feeling fear about those things you want to do or want to explore, it means digging deep to find that understanding and compassion for ourselves when all of our instincts are telling us to run and simultaneously shaming ourselves for not having it together, or not being braver.

All we want is for our fear to go away and let us get on with the things we want to do. All I wanted was for my daughter to get there faster with the bedtime routine but she needs me to remain calm and not enter the chaos with her. To reassure her and be that rational voice to counteract the voice of fear. I can’t be the one to put gasoline on the fire of her fears by getting annoyed, instead I need to smother her fears with my love and patience. Hard as it is.

And you know what, after a few nights of digging deep, remaining calm and reassuring her, things are much calmer at bedtime. My reassurance has kept her calm and shown her that she can do it, that it’s safe and that we’re here to respond if she really does need us. It takes some evidence building to proof to herself and her fear that she’s capable of it for it to feel less scary. And it works the same way for us. 

So when you are thinking about or planning for the next thing you need to be brave about and you feel that rise of fear, know that you have it in you to dig deep, show yourself compassion and acknowledge your fear for what it is. 

Your body and brain are trying to protect you from the unknown and unfamiliar. By acknowledging that you can let your fear know that you are grateful for its protection and that you’d like to proceed. You can show it the evidence that you’re ready, that the thoughts of failure are not rational but fear’s safety net which you appreciate and need to move on from. 

You can give your fear a stroke on the proverbial head and reassure it that you can take it from here.

WOMANHOOD + TAKING UP SPACE

I wish I didn't have to write this post but I do. I wish I didn't have to consider the implications that come with pursuing that which makes you come alive with any kind of gusto but I do. I do because it seems like everywhere I turn, women are worried about taking up space. Worried that they are coming across as pushy; worried that they are seen as overly-confident; worried that if they go full throttle in their business and hobbies that they will be perceived as aggressive or salesy or up themselves or too much. So much worry.

I'm kind of tired of it. 

I recently got added into a really beautiful facebook group for women who are mothers that run their own business.  Spoiler alert: I don't officially run business - in fact you may be surprised to know that this blog space where I have been writing for almost 10 years isn't actually something I've chosen to monetise until very recently. I have made almost no money from my blog. More on that later.

The facebook group is run by the lovely and very wise Ray Dodd - a doula, hypnobirthing practitioner and creative coach for women and mothers in business.  Ray posted a video in the group recently entitled "Who is keeping you small?" where she delved into the idea that as women, especially mothers, we can absorb so many messages from people around us about what kind of space we should be taking up in the world.

I've realised that there are some significant issues that come up for me and many of the other women I know that are putting themselves out there to pursue what they love and it all centres around how much space we think we deserve to take up. I want to crack into some of the things we might be believe that are holding us back here - maybe you'll see something that you're struggling with too. Maybe shedding light on these things and calling them out for what they are will relieve us from the fear of them and give us all more permission to go for it. Here are some of the things I think we internalise that are keeping us from doing the things we were made to do:

+ We believe that someone else could do it better.

You have this idea, you want to do the thing, you feel passionate about 'X' but all you keep thinking about is how inadequate you are to do that thing compared to someone else and you feel paralysed and frustrated. Your inner dialogue says "someone else could do it way better and have way more influence and be more slick and funny and professional".  And you know what - that might be true to a degree but you cannot and should not let that stop you. They are not you. And your version of things is entirely important. If there is an idea or something you want to do that is eating up your soul or burning in your brain, you're going to put out a version of that thing that is totally unique to you and that will connect with particular people like nothing else will. You need to do the thing anyway. Take up your space. 

+ We struggle because some people do not want us to change.

When you decide to take up space and try something that takes you out of your comfort zone, some people aren't going to be happy with you doing that. When someone is used to you being a certain way or having certain parameters and you decide to step out of those parameters, it can be uncomfortable for them. Please hear me when I say this - that is not your issue. This is not your concern. Change can manifest some really interesting responses from people, even those that we love the most. When I started to take my writing and social media a little more seriously in order to develop opportunities for myself online, someone close to me unfollowed me on instagram. Isn't that wild? I was devastated. But it was about them, not me. The changes they were seeing me move into was uncomfortable for them. Don't let this be a barrier. You are entitled to evolve and change. We all are. Take up your space.

+ We think that we need to stay small to be relatable.

Taking up space as a women often means being unnecessarily apologetic or playing your talents down. You think people won't like you if you come across as confident - if you push your product, talk about what you know or claim your space as an expert. It is still in us to want to reduce ourselves for fear of what people may think. I think there are many ways to be confident in your abilities, to take up your rightful space and still be likeable or relatable. It's absurd to think it's not possible to do both - and frustrating because it never seems to be a concern for men. If you only ever promote yourself, try to sell, talk about yourself and only share your glory moments then sure - that's annoying and is going to alienate people but we shouldn't have to justify ourselves or follow every accomplishment with a self-deprecating caveat (it took me 6 months to be persuaded to put 'Mel Wiggins MBE' on my work email signature - I get that this is an issue for us). What we need is for men and women to champion each other publicly, so it becomes normal that women feel safe about unashamedly doing what they are made for. Take up your space. 

+ We know that us taking up space can trigger people who want to take up space too.

This is huge for women. I've been triggered by other peoples success and ideas and I know that things that I have done have been triggering for other people. Unfortunately the trigger is that when we decide to take up space, other people worry that there will be no space left; that you doing your thing will mean that there's no room for them to do theirs. And it's simply not true. The table is very wide and there are limitless places. This false culture of scarcity pips women against each other and it is damaging. Can you imagine how boring life would be without the flavour and variety of many people doing things in their own unique way? If you are someone who struggles with other women taking up space because it makes you feel like there's no room for you please hear this - your attitude on this is not only hurting yourself - but it's hurting the sisterhood. Cheer each other on and be supportive, even when it triggers that scarcity mentality in you and for goodness sakes, take up your space.

And here's the crux of it all: when we allow these things to hold us back, nobody benefits.

You don't benefit:  you will be become paranoid, resentful, over-questioning yourself, paralysed and find your creativity and energy for the things you love start to dry up. Brene Brown says that "unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame."

Your family doesn't benefit: they will have a wife or a mother who is not living at her fullest and that unfulfilled part of who you are will ripple into your family life and they will sense and feel your lack of satisfaction (it's OK to want satisfaction outside of being a mother or a wife, feel no guilt about that).

The rest of us don't benefit: the world misses out on your gift, your contribution, your voice! That is a loss that we can't afford. 

We all have our issues, our doubts about whether we deserve to take up space in the world with our gifts, abilities and desires. I over think every single thing I write or put out on social media because I'm so aware of the space I take up. I've just launched my first online course where I'm asking people to pay for what I write and the knowledge that I have and I have second guessed myself about it forty squillion times before I put it out there even though the content of this course is about a decades worth of learning for me.  

But what if we reframed how we look at these scary, vulnerable situations and saw them as opportunities to be pockets of light. That when we set out to do what lights us up, it shines a path for others to bravely do the same. We all start to shine, we give each other permission to be bright and fulfilled. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

— Marianne Williamson

So consider this your launch pad, your permission slip to get stuck in and take up as much space as you need. There is plenty of room for us all. Take up your space.

Images by the hilarious and talented Kat Mervyn

The Waiting...

Phone calls, facetimes, texts, what's apps, facebook messages, tweets. Bumping (literally) into people on the school run, at the shop...

"not long now..."

"you still here?!" - why yes - because I'm having a baby, not emigrating.

People are kind.  They care.  I am so grateful for it all.  I'm sorry I'm not getting to reply/answer/respond all the time.

The waiting for this baby, in all honesty, has been agony.  I am so very desperate to begin this new chapter of our family life.  I've been pregnant for 526356 weeks.  I feel like I have felt all the normal things already; mourned the changes to our party of three, reconciled the tough newborn days/weeks/months ahead, given thought to the impending 'new normal' and given space in my heart and my head to welcome this baby without fear.  

Levi was born at 37.5 weeks.  8lbs 2oz of beautiful, sworthy, baby boy.  I remember going to bed that night after my waters broke and having a silent little cry in the dark as I curled into Dave's warm back thinking that this was the end of an era in our married life.  This was the last night in our little house, just us.  Things would never be the same again; our two was imminently becoming a three.  And now we sit here on the cusp on this next transition, and although those feelings are familiar, they are more processed - there has been more time to give to them than the first time around.  We are so much more ready.

"Are you overdue?" - I mean, I guess - if you base a baby's readiness to enter the world on mathematics alone.  My heart says "forget the due dates - it will come when it's good and ready".  My body says "that's quite enough now".

Every day I wake up, hyper-aware of my body.  Each movement inside (enough? too much?), each change, each symptom, each "sign".  My fingers, hot to the touch of a screen googling anything and everything.  Relax, they say.  Enjoy these last days.  I cried over my sausages, potatoes and beans tonight.  Just because.

The desire to control and to know can be overwhelming.  It's funny how you can feel so ready, so poised and so prepared yet so vulnerable at the same time.

A few friends directed me to this article in Mothering magazine on the last days of pregnancy - this time of waiting, or 'Zwischen' as the Germans call it - 'an in-between' time.  The article calls for a reverence of this time - that it is hugely spiritual - a now and not yet, thin place.  I feel this so very deeply right now and want to be able to rest here until the zwischen is over and this baby can be brought safely into our home and our lives.

International Women's Day 2016

GAH - I just love International Women's Day. I love that we get to mark a day in the calendar to reflect on where we have been as women, look at what is still necessary for all women in the world to flourish and resolve to do more, be more, expect more in the years to come.

My workplace celebrated 10 years of marking IWD this year - a tradition started by my beautiful colleagues who run the Women's World Programme when the charity was just in it's infancy.  Even though I'm already on maternity leave, I wouldn't have missed it so I waddled down to spend the morning with over 100 women from dozens of nationalities who have somehow made their home here in our area.

That's me in the middle, caught in the act of gabbing away to my midwife friend about birth preferences and refusing unnecessary vaginal examinations...as you do.

But these women I spent the morning with.  These women are fierce.  They work, they contribute, they volunteer, they nurture, they resolve to thrive amidst the obvious and the silent challenges that living as an 'outsider' in an already polarised community brings.  Diversity is still a dirty word here.  We ate, we laughed, and we wept as we heard stories of these incredible women in our community who have overcome the most difficult things this year:  cancer, isolation, depression.  A grandmother now the primary care provider for her 3 grandchildren left behind after her daughter died tragically.  A mother who, only a couple of weeks after moving to Northern Ireland was attending English lessons when her two year old accidentally got caught in a blind cord at home and later passed away.

These women and their families have been extended the hand of welcome and friendship; of opportunity to painfully overcome with the support of our dedicated and compassionate teams at work, of generous local churches and of the kindness of individuals.  Such bravery.  It was a privilege to be there to honour them.

These WOMEN.  Their STORIES.  What COURAGE.

My friend Sharon reminds me that the small things are often the big things.

This years IWD theme is on 'pledging parity' - helping to move more quickly the divides and divisions that see and treat women as less than equal to men in so many facets of society.  When I see the audacity, tenderness and bravery of the women I have just mentioned, I am stirred up by the potential for women to continue to change the world because they already are.  They are standing in the gap, they are showing up and they are making things happen.  Their bravery, the sharing and acknowledgement of their stories is part of that pledge, it is bridging that divide.

For me, this pledge starts at home - in conversations with my four year old boy, as we model and discuss the value and abilities of women and girls. Through toys and stories and colours and conversations we are gently showing him - both Dave and I.

It continues in our marriage - in working things out together, being a team, having equal say in all decisions, modelling that there is no boss in our family but that we all mutually try to put each other first, championing each other's successes and dreams - dancing the dance of making sure everyones needs are met (this, the very heart of #motherhoodalive).

It then bleeds out into work, hobbies, friendships, how the communities around me are being built: everything to make sure that the voices, the stories, the plights and the successes of women are seen and heard in our homes, our communities and around the world.

So tell me, how can you pledge for parity in your family?  What ways are you seeing women championed that stirs you up?  What would you love to see changed for women in your own community and how can we do it together?  I'd love to hear from you!  I'm also linking up with Lulastic's IWD Blog Link Up, so if you want to read more from some awesome kick-ass women writers, do make sure to head over there for a good round up!