MINDTRASH, OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS AND THE PLAGUE OF SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
You’ve probably heard me mention that this time last year I sent out a survey for female business owners and had a really amazing response to it. I think over 70 women in business gave me feedback on some of the biggest challenges they were facing in their work, what they would love to do more of, what they wish they could do differently etc and it was really revealing for me as a coach to hear those responses. It has actually shaped so much of the work that I do here on this platform, the content I create, and that was the intention - to find out what was troubling female business owners and see if there were ways I could support them for free.
I asked this question towards the end of the survey - it was this “What is the biggest mind-trash thinking you come up against in your business that you’d love to work through?” So I want to talk about some of the responses here. Here. Mostly because one response came up an unprecedented amount of times.
Number one mindtrash that came up in my 2022 survey was about other people. Answers reveals were things like: Other people are better than me, what will other people think if I do x y and x, I don’t think what I have is of value compared to other people in my industry. Other people other people other people.
First of all - if this many women in business are saying the same thing - something about this must be very natural. This is our protective nature - the nature that we all have within that wants to remain safe in the pack, to know that we are not at risk of being abandoned or rejected. It’s only normal that when it comes to putting our bravest, most honest work out there that we find it excruciating because we know how exposing it is, how naturally there is judgment that happens (because we all judge or have opinions). Our sense of this perks up when we are doing work that feels deeply personal, so of course our brains want to try and mitigate that risk and help us feel safe again. But no amount of me or anyone else saying “you can’t be concerned with other peoples opinions’ or ‘stay in your lane’ advice is going to soothe us out of that. So I want to offer an alternative frame, rather than asking you to bypass your worries or self-consciousness about other people.
Those are real feelings, AND those feelings need worked through - because they can be thieves. And when we don’t address it, what this kind of thinking can do is rob us. Here are a couple things that our self-consciousness and hyper awareness of other peoples opinions can steal from us:
Robs us of the joy of learning and trying. Being overly concerned with other people can really stunt us of the opportunity to give things a go and all the rich learning and joy that can come from that creative process. It can prevent us from the deep lessons and learning curves we will certainly experience when we begin to give things a go, try things out and step into more stretchier territory. It’s a real shame that this happens because it’s the most beautiful (and sometimes scary) place to be - in that centre of trying, creating, seeing if things work, if they resonate. When we are consumed by other peoples hypothetical opinions, we give over that opportunity to grow into our skin.
Another way we lose when we are consumed by our own self-consciousness and fears about what other people are doing and if they might be doing it better is that we end up shrinking down and playing small. We talk ourselves out of things that come our way that could be good for us, we maybe show up and share about our work but we water things down and keep our head just slightly peeping up above the parapet in case we are too noticed or too visible. This kind of shrunk down version of ourselves is an injustice to us and our gifts and to the people who might really love and enjoy them or be served and helped by them.
If the plague of self-consciousness or the fear of other peoples opinions are running rampant and stealing these things from you - I want you to remember these three things:
Other people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are. They really aren’t. If 70% of my survey answers have anything to reveal, it’s that we are all concerned about other peoples opinions and how we measure up and that indicates to me that we are spending more time worried about that threat than it could possibly be true. We are all consumed with our own insceurities and self consciousness to be spending time reeling over our own opinions of someone elses work. If this is true, then maybe we can release that thought and remember that actually, people are kinder and more generous of spirit than we often give them credit for. It’s more likely that someone is looking at your work in admiration right now. It’s more likely that someone is aspiring to the kind of offering that you’re bringing. It’s more likely that someone is watching you show up and having warm thoughts towards you because they know how much it takes to be brave and put yourself out there. What if the opposite was true and you operated from the more generous lens of “everyone is wishing me well out here” or “people are focused on their own thing, I can focus on mine too”. What if that were truth and instead of letting this rob us, we allow it to fuel us.
The second thing is this: if you’re always loyal to everyone else's hypothetical opinions, how can you be loyal to yourself? If your posture is to be churning over every scenario of what you think people assume about you, what you think people are saying, what you think people want from you - how much space are you really leaving for yourself? For your desires, your creativity, your intuition about what is next, your opinions on your work, your gut sense about what you might like to create or try next? When we are overly consumed by the hypothetical needs or opinions of others, we squash any sense of autonomy over our own creative process. It creates a tension and a division in our loyalty.
And finally, just to play devils advocate for a second, stay with me - so what if other people do talk, are air-quotes better, do think a certain thing about you? What does it really mean about you? Is it true? Only you really know.
Similarly, what if everyone is praising you, running to your work, eating up everything you do. What does that mean about you? Is it true? Only you really know or get to decide.
If we over-fixate on the opinions of others - whether they are positive or critical, we are going to be blown by the wind every day, making decisions based on those things. Someone said they like this - we double down. Someone seemed critical or questioning of this thing we made, we shove it to the back - don’t let it see the light of day again. We make things mean more than they are - when at the core, your work is sacred and the only person it should really matter to is you. It should matter if you’re proud of your effort. If you are connected to it. If you are enjoying the process of creating it. If you are committed to it. If it feels valuable to you and how you want to show up in the world and in your work. Once this type of loyalty is embedded in you, you can realise that your main job is to do that - to show up for yourself, be led by your intuition, desires and ease and allow whoever is compelled by this loyal version of you and your work to be drawn in by it when they are ready. And they will. A steady presence, someone who is unapologetically doing their truest work and opening an invitation to join them is always compelling.
The work isn’t to override these feelings of ‘what will other people think’ what if im not as good as other people etc. It’s to notice them, cultivate some compassion for the natural reasons that it occurs and then make a decision to be loyal to yourself as you move through them.
I hope this brings you a bit of comfort for when other peoples opinions or self-counsciousness arises within you on your creative or business building journey.