3 SIGNS YOU MIGHT NEED TO SET SOME BOUNDARIES

Last year I made a promise to myself that I would not show up on social media unless I had something valuable to offer and was willing to give my time to responding and engaging with people about whatever it was I was sharing. (Those that witnessed my incredibly valuable utensil hack from last week on Instagram stories can attest to that. I jest).

Truthfully, I had begun to sense a real urgency cropping up within myself to always be present, to make sure I replied to everyone, to make sure my work, ideas or offers were visible and it was making me weary and resentful. There was an uneasy ‘hustle’ mentality creeping in and slowing contending for my peace.

There are plenty of business gurus out there that will give you information about how to build your audience, grow your business and be seen and heard. The information that is often lacking from these programmes, tips and hacks is how to do that and protect ourselves from burn out or blurry boundaries and it feels a bit irresponsible not to address it.

Boundaries are not sexy business talk. It is not the hot-topic-content that gets all the clicks and shares. Maybe that’s because all around us we are being sold quick fix solutions to what is actually really deep inner work. There is no cheat-sheet-freebie-offer for creating healthy boundaries, yet this is the foundation of a great, fulfilling, sustainable business and life.

When we are hopping around from thing to thing, saying yes to everyone, sharing all the details of our lives and being available for everyone, it is so easy to be distracted, drawn into things that don’t serve us and build a business or life on what we think we should be doing rather than what we know intuitively we really want to create and do.  

Since drawing that line for myself last year, I have noticed some significant changes: my follower count on Instagram is neither growing, nor is it important to me anymore. I am way less distracted by what other people are doing and way more sure of what I really want to say. I am attracting the kind of people to my work that I *really* love to work and collaborate with. I am much more at ease with the ebb and flow of my work. I am fixated on offering value and authenticity rather than what I think will get the most attention. And I know this is because I began to draw a line.

I know this isn’t something that just I struggle with (please know this is not something that is fixed for me; I need to check in with myself all of the time), because I work with women every day and I see and hear that this is common. Our boundaries are down the priority list and it shows in so many ways; in our mental health, in our bodies, in our relationships.

I want to offer three signs that might indicate your boundaries need to be updated to help you feel more at ease in your work and life; not to make you feel guilty or ashamed, but to offer you the opportunity to update these boundaries so that you can operate in a way that actually sustains the things that you really want to do in a way that feels true to you.

SIGN NUMBER 1: OVERSHARING

In this access-all-areas society, where we can glimpse into each others lives and peek behind the scenes at any given time, there is a real temptation to overshare.

What I mean by this is that sometimes our desire for connection can cause us to slip into sharing what is raw, rather than what is real. This culture of baring all because we know it will bring a reaction or a response is often rooted in a dependency of reaction and response from others. This is false intimacy, guised as vulnerability and confuses the importance of boundaries.

Sometimes, sharing what is raw can further compound what is going on for us; loneliness, jealousy, anger, resentment – and there’s never any certainty that we are going to get the response that we desire from what we share. Our rawness with people that don’t know us and the different nuances in our life can further our pain when their response (or lack of) doesn’t live up to our expectations.

Sharing what is real is different; it is sharing from a place of healing or a desire to connect because we know our own truth is likely to be helpful for others. We know we can share what is real when we have come to a place where other peoples responses to what we share aren’t critical to how we feel about it. We don’t owe anyone our vulnerability or an inside scoop. That is an honour that should be earned in relationships.

If we are oversharing or are revealing things about ourselves because of a dependency on praise or to rally the reactions of others, an update to boundaries might be needed.

SIGN NUMBER 2: ALWAYS BEING AVAILABLE

I don’t think there has ever been a point in history where humans have been more accessible to each other. At any given moment, there are no less than 10 ways that people can contact or invite interaction with us (comments, whatsapps, DM’s, email, phone, text, slack etc). Of course, this is an incredible gift! We can Facetime our friends in any country and we can attract and do business with people all over the world.

What is tricky about this is that our ability to be available is overwhelming us - quickly. If people are able to contact you any time of the day or night for your help, advice or service, they will. If we have not set clear parameters for when we are available and when we are not, we cannot expect other people to respect us. If we have not made it clear when we are off-duty or unavailable, this is not on other people to navigate, it’s on us. A sure sign of needing to update our boundaries is being overwhelmed with DM’s, facebook messages, emails, What’sApp groups and voicemails. Nobody can keep up with the speed of the communication train at this rate and it is burning us right out.

Being able to draw lines around when you will and will not be able to connect or engage is something only you can do and doing so is an invitation for respecting and preserving yourself and the attention you want to give to the most important things in your life.

SIGN NUMBER 3: SCARCITY + SAYING YES

I relate to this one really hard. I am a doer. I find it hard to not want to throw myself into all the things that look good, sound good and are shiny and new. I like people to like me and to be involved in #allthethings.  And I know I’m not the only one.

One of the things that has always been a big indicator to me that my boundaries have slipped into people pleasing is when I have said yes to doing something and then that thing comes around and everything within me wants to back out. And then I tell myself that I’m flaky for wanting to back out. Relate?

What’s behind this behaviour pattern is a sense of scarcity; both relational (if I don’t take them up on this, they may see me as cold/unlikeable) and maybe financial or positional scarcity (if I don’t say yes to this, I might miss out on the money, the exposure (!) or the opportunity may not come around again). Scarcity mentality is simply not trusting ourselves.

When we say yes to things that are outside of our lane, our own path and put other peoples’ requests of us ahead of the plans we have made for ourselves, we are saying that these things might be better than our own ideas and plans for ourselves. Saying yes when we mean no indicates that we don’t trust that what we really want to do is best.

We can break this pattern by cultivating more trust in our own ideas, our own plans; believing that they will hold up and bring us to the right things when the time is right.

If you are connecting with any of these signs, you are not defective - you are in good company! I’ve had dozens of conversations recently with brilliant women who know they need to update their boundaries for the sake of their sanity and you can too.

WHY JEALOUSY, COMPARISON + DISCOMFORT IS A GIFT

This happens to all of us. None of us are immune to these three things. Jealousy, Comparison and Discomfort. 

• You see someone doing something really well, stepping out, showing up or taking steps towards something exciting and it stings. You question their motives, pick holes in their methods, inwardly (or maybe outwardly) have a pop at their action. Jealousy.

• You watch as someone launches a new thing that is really similar to your idea. You agonise over what they are doing because they are doing it in ways you hadn’t thought of or with seemingly more ease or traction. You follow closely, weigh up how your version of that thing isn’t as good or executed as well, sinking into feelings of being an imposter or worthlessness. Comparison.

• You brew an idea for something, let it simmer and realise all the work that is ahead of you to make it happen. You maybe mention it to a few people, don’t get the responses you wanted and that sense of failure hangs close. You shut things down before you even begin. Discomfort.

But what if these three feelings don’t have to be enveloped in pain? What if they are guiding markers, leading us towards understanding something really true about ourselves?

I want to flip the idea that jealousy, comparison and discomfort are feelings that we should go into battle with and show how, if we frame them just a little differently, they can give us some solid information and motivation that will propel us into action instead of hiding and shutting ourselves away.

Here are three reasons why we should capture these feelings and lean into them a little more:

1)    THEY POINTS OUT TO US THE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY PRECIOUS TO US.

What if instead of being frustrated or annoyed by jealousy or comparison we took information from it? What if we could loosen the power of these feelings over us by activating our curiosity.

When those feelings arise, instead of fanning them into full flame, what we can do is tune our mind to slow down and be curious about what our reaction or response is telling us.

“I’m having a strong reaction to this situation or person – I wonder what it is about it that is bringing up these feelings for me”.

Our brains are wired to get answers quickly and often we repeat patterns that we have learned over the years that are unhelpful to us in a bid to rationalise our way out of discomfort.

If we activate curiosity instead, we can actually learn some incredible truths about ourselves in the situation. What we can do is harness the feeling of comparison or jealousy to unlock some deeper stuff that is probably going on for us and use it as fuel to move ahead instead of throwing the towel in or getting competitive and frantic.

Feelings of comparison are actually really useful and can reveal for us some of our deepest desires.

INSTEAD OF THIS:

“Oh – every time I hear about that person speaking at events it makes me feel really behind. She is everywhere.”

ACTIVATE CURIOUS THINKING:

“When I hear of people getting opportunities to speak at events it sparks something in me that might lead me to think that I would quite like to do that. I wonder how I can connect with people to see if that could be an opportunity for me”.

 Do you hear the difference in the tone? Curiosity opens us up to possibilities instead of allowing old patterns of how we manage comparison and jealousy to steal our joy.

2)    THEY CAN SHOW US THE POTENTIAL AVAILABLE TO US.

When we view jealousy, comparison and discomfort as a gift, rather than something to banish, we can allow ourselves to see the potential for movement.

There are so many temptations around us in patriarchal culture that try to usher us into the mindset of scarcity and not-enoughness. There are not enough customers, not enough ears that will listen, not enough time to do something different, not enough space for me to bring the thing I really want to to life.

This BS messaging keeps us small.

What if we saw women who are putting themselves out there as allies instead of competition? What if you saw someone doing something that you would love to do and instead of feeling like you’ve missed the boat you could think “that is inspiring and if she can do it, why not me too?”.

Staying in discomfort, jealousy and comparison reinforces a culture of scarcity and pits women against each other instead of seeing it as a window from which we can view what is possible for us as well.

The next time you have those feelings come up, practice this updated way of thinking and do one small thing that will move you towards the idea you have – it will serve you so much better than rolling around in the pain of scarcity and inaction.

3)    THEY ARE ALERTING US THAT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

When jealousy, comparison and discomfort hit, you can be sure that you are on the precipice of moving towards something significant for you.

Our brains are wired to alert us when we are inching towards unknown territory or putting ourselves out there in a way that might make us vulnerable. It will use jealousy, comparison and discomfort to try and tug you back into that place of safety and comfort. You don’t have to let it.

My friends, this is not where you are made to stay. Comfort zones are rarely comfortable. They are there for when we need healing and deeper restoration, but not for when we want to take steps towards the things that feel really true and freeing for us.

I urge you today to look at how you’ve been handling feelings of jealousy, comparison and discomfort and see if you can give yourself permission to learn from them and lean into the powerful information you can gain from framing those experiences differently.

NEWSFLASH: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CONFIDENCE

No, this isn’t clickbait, I promise.

I have genuinely come to this conclusion:

There is no such thing as confidence.

For such a long time I bought into the idea that confidence is something that you can build or grow or develop. Now I’m not so sure.

There’s something that rattles me about the idea of “being confident” that I wasn’t able to pinpoint for ages. It felt like, particularly for women, that word was everywhere - orbiting around us on magazine stands and by-lines; pointing out what was missing: 

“12 Steps to More Confidence”

“Why Confidence is Your Biggest Career Asset”

“The Confidence Gap & How to Close It”

“The Key to Building Your Brand: Confidence”

It all sounds compelling.

“Of course! That’s what I need: more confidence.”

“When I get more of that, then I’ll be able to do the things that feel stretchy; then I’ll be able to put myself forward or share my ideas or step out of my comfort zone.”

Pursuit of confidence has become this holy grail achievement for women of the world who are interested in offering more.

But what if it’s not the holy grail?

What if confidence is simply not ‘a thing’?

What if it’s a myth that has us circling around and around and never actually taking any action because the markers for confidence are really murky? How will I know if I’m confident? What does it feel like to be confident? At what level of confidence will I be ready for X Y or Z? Who knows? It’s all a bit illusive.

I’ve done a great deal of research and observing on this and I want to offer a few more reasons that build on this idea:

 1)    EVERYONE YOU ADMIRE IS DOING THEIR WORK A LITTLE BIT AFRAID AND WITHOUT ANY CERTAINTY.

I have worked with many incredible women doing brilliant things in the world. I have built charity projects and a business of my own from scratch. What I can attest to is this: in every circumstance where there is a high risk of vulnerability, criticism or rejection - fear and self-doubt is rife. When I think of the women that I admire, I have been relieved to hear them speak to their own self-doubt and how they still struggle with feelings of being an imposter in their work. There isn’t a thought leader or innovator that you look up to who is immune to this and there isn’t a thought leader or innovator out there that isn’t putting themselves and their work out there with any concrete assurance that what they do next is going to connect or have traction.

We have to do things scared.

What is significant is that it’s only through the process of trying, sometimes failing and processing the learning that we develop resilience and wisdom to build our capabilities and way forward.

The way I see it is that instead of pursuing this illusive confidence in our ideas or abilities -  what is more human, more natural, more self-supportive is to understand how to manage and create a healthy relationship with our fears and self-doubt, because they are not going away.

2)    THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IS THROUGH. AND THEN THROUGH AGAIN.

If only we could escape our self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy, right? If only there was a magic formula that we could ignite when we needed to display confidence in our abilities or activate self-belief.

The reality is that the only way through this stuff is through. And then through again.

Because how we build capacity as humans, how we learn, how we grow and develop is not by bypassing feelings of self doubt, but by moving through them. Once we realise that self-doubt is universal and that fear is our brains way of trying to keep us safe from emotional risks, we can show up for ourselves with more empathy and resolve to give things a go.

This isn’t a linear process. We don’t learn about our self-doubt once and have it mastered. Understanding and managing self-doubt (which will show up in a bunch of different ways throughout our lifetime) is a life-long journey and a muscle that we have to chose to build by deciding that it’s worth moving towards things that feel most true to us, even if certainty of an outcome is not available.

3)    THE PURSUIT OF CONFIDENCE ACTUALLY KEEPS WOMEN SMALLER, FOR LONGER.

Like any message we absorb in our culture, there are some particular patriarchal benefits to this idea of pushing women towards this confidence myth.

If women are taken up in the pursuit of mythical confidence and don’t learn the unsexy but important work of managing self-doubt and uncertainty then they will remain distracted, deflated, left-out and will likely give up on the things that they truly want to do.

It serves the capitalistic society that dominates all that we do if we as women chase the unattainable under the false pretence of confidence mastery. It keeps us busy, burnt out, concerned with other peoples’ opinions rather than working through our fears and finding ways to embrace how self-doubt shows up. There is real power and autonomy available for women who are able to dismantle their limiting beliefs and do the brave work of updating them.

3 HUGE DISTRACTIONS THAT WILL KEEP YOU FROM DOING FULFILLING WORK

There are some pervading lies that the personal development industry sells as being key to upping your business, your income, your influence or your success that I want to shed some light on.

It is more important than ever, in this noisy culture that wants to tell us the formula for ‘success’, that we sift through the nonsense and tune into our own intuition and desires.

I want to share three things that I see as huge distractions that are keeping us from doing work that is fulfilling and meaningful.

1) TRACKING NUMBERS / FOLLOWERS

Please hear this. Hitting 1K or 5K or 100K followers on instagram means jack shit when it comes to fulfilment. You do not need to have a big following on social media to build a sustainable, thriving business, service or community. Social media didn’t exist as a medium for businesses to use until just a few years ago so and even though it can be an effective space for sharing your offerings - the numbers game is a dangerous one.

One of my mentors has a thriving, six figure business doing what she absolutely loves with an 8K following on instagram. She has built her business through writing regularly to email subscribers and developing online courses to teach the stuff that she knows. She has harnessed the truth of quality over quantity and has been showing up consistently, building trust with the people she wants to serve. Her work is fulfilling and sustainable and she is not distracted by follower counting.

Big numbers does not equal ‘success’ or fulfilment. It is a façade that the ego wants to lure us into that we really need to do away with. If you’ve been struggling with feeling legitimate because of a small following, or you think you couldn’t possibly sell what you love or your ideas because you don’t have enough “reach” – it’s simply not true.

2) ENDLESS EDUCATION

This is a common myth that a lot of women buy into - a mindset that desperately needs some updating.

I see this all the time. We have ideas, passions, ideas bubbling up and instead of trying things out or dipping our toes out into the water of sharing those ideas, we spend our time trying to legitimise ourselves by going to every event, every training, every course, researching ever other similar business or idea instead of knuckling down and doing the work (this does not apply if you want to be a surgeon - please get a qualification for that).

Here’s the thing. You could have all the letters after your name and all the qualifications in the world and STILL - putting yourself out there to do the work you know will fulfil you will feel stretchy and uncomfortable. It will because it is precious to you and letting it out into the world will feel vulnerable.

This mindset of always feeling like we need to do more training and education is an easy one to slip into because we are programmed to try and keep ourselves safe from vulnerability and staying behind research or doing more and more qualifications is a safer space to occupy than putting yourself out there.

The danger is that often all of this endless education distracts us from the stuff we know we’d love to just be out there doing. It swallows up all our time and energy and ends up leaving us feeling burned out and unable to take action on the thing we longed to do in the first place. You do not need a business degree, a marketing course or a fancy qualification to dip your toe in, to launch that business or to talk about something you feel passionately about.

3) WAITING FOR APPROVAL

I am all for research. I love getting into the details of things, figuring out how things work, what the best methods are, what would truly resonate etc. When we have ideas that we’d like to put out into the world, what can happen is that we hang back and wait for someone else to give us permission; to tell us that we’re adequate or allowed.

Allowing the opinions or approval of others to shape our ideas rather than tuning into our own intuition and trusting ourselves is a huge distraction from getting on with the work that we most want to do and is a slippery slope towards people pleasing and losing our own voice.

It is really tempting, especially when we are thinking of beginning something new, or contemplating putting our ideas or products or whatever out into the world to consult all areas. We ask people in our family, we ask the whole of Instagram, we ask the man at the post office – we endlessly gather opinions. Often, what we are looking for is either validation that our ideas are good or for someone to tell us they are shit so we can back away and not have to sit in the potential discomfort of birthing something that feels important to us. Neither of these responses are going to propel us into meaningful work.

What is important is that you are excited and drawn to the ‘what’ of what you want to do, that you have information about the ‘how’ from your target market (not your auntie or your brother who will likely not be your target market) and that you cultivate a sense of inner trust in yourself and your own ideas that you can make decisions based on.

Ok, so tell me - are you seeing anything here that may be distracting you from getting on with the things you’d love to do?

It’s totally normal and human and there’s no shame to be scattered with this stuff. Bringing attention to it is the first step - seeing where you might be hiding or distracted is KEY to moving forwards.

The next step is learning some incredible tools for moving out of these hiding or distracting ways and facing your fears. I have an AWESOME free ‘Facing Fear' resource that you can grab below and you can sign up to come to my FREE Facing Fear Masterclass on the 16th of October!