FINDING THE TRUE SELF CARE THAT FEEDS YOUR CORE

Self care is really having a moment right now, isn’t it?

There are more anxieties and pressures in the world now more than ever and with the uncertainty of the last year to add into the mix, understandably we need to make time for ourselves now more than ever.

We all have so many responsibilities, people, causes and things vying for our attention, so it’s only good and right that we take a moment and think about how we might intentionally care for ourselves.

However what worries me about this is that often, particularly for women, self care becomes a ‘nice to have’ rather than a ‘necessity to take care of ourselves’, as for women it often becomes just an extra line on our list of things to do:

- Reply to that email – TICK

- Get groceries – TICK

- Check in on that friend that seemed off – TICK

- Set a reminder to register kids for xyz – TICK

- Book a call with the accountant – TICK

- TAKE CARE OF SELF – ummmmm….Ok?

And that last item just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list, to tomorrow, to next week, to half term and on and on. It’s never a priority we allow ourselves.

But I really think we’ve got it wrong when we view self care in this same task-driven way that we see other compartments of our lives. What this ends up doing is making self care another thing to feel pressured to do, to accomplish, to attain and yet we don’t put it at the top of the list because often as women, we don’t allow ourselves to put ourselves first.

It also then means, because we are human and are already stretched, we end up trying to look for shortcuts, hacks or tips to try and quickly dip our toes in, partially attempt it or even more worryingly – we commodify it as something that can be purchased. 

This is one of my concerns about self care and the way that it’s perceived. It’s become another sneaky capitalist-skewed way of operating that we have to buy into and consequently we think that’s the only way to take care of ourselves. This only depletes us more and actually heaps even more shame on us if we ‘don’t get around to the self care thing this week’. 

And we all know what happens when shame enters the room, right? We shrink. We feel immobilised.

Rather than the self care we think we have to buy into, I’m interested in a more nuanced conversation about what it really means to care for ourselves. And even beyond that, what does it really mean for us to care for ourselves and each other in meaningful, restorative ways?

Because caring for ourselves as a concept might not be as helpful as it sounds or as helpful as we’re all led to believe it is. It really puts so much pressure on us to be able to do that and to do it right, when the reality is that we need each other in order to feel nourished just as much as we need ourselves. This is a human instinct and to deny that moves us away from our biological, innate essence.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s brilliant book - ‘Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle’ – they say this:

“No one is “complete” without other people—and we mean this literally. To be complete without social connection is to be nourished without food. It doesn’t happen. We get hungry. We get lonely. We must feed ourselves or die. We don’t mean you “need a man” or any kind of romantic partner. We mean you need connection in any or all of its varied forms. And it is also true that the lifelong development of autonomy is as innate to human nature as the drive to connect. We need both connection and autonomy. That’s not a contradiction. Humans are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again.”

 So what we need is this more generous, supportive and rich way to understand self care and this comes in two parts:

1) Community care. This community aspect is realising that we need each other. We need to intentionally connect with our community and allow ourselves to be helped and cared for as well as doing that for others. We do this through deep honest friendships, surrounding ourselves with those who nourish us and whom we can nourish in return.

The second part comes in:

2) The Self aspect. And we think we already know this one, but I think we need to look deeper than just candles and Netflix (although I have no doubt that these are often an indulgence and escape that we need sometimes too!) But what if instead of looking for ways to escape our life so we can feel cared for, we look deeper at the ways in which we really find fulfilment to nurture ourselves? 

What if we choose to reflect on the experiences and moments in our life where we have felt in flow, in our element or when we have felt like we are living our purpose, then we dilute and dissect what elements of those experiences brought us to life and use this as our starting point. 

When we really pinpoint those moments that make us feel full up and alive, often things come up like: ‘when I’m able to create without pressure,’ or ‘When I’m bringing people together for a purpose,’ or ‘when I get to experience novelty or be spontaneous’. These things are our core experiences and they are telling us something about ourselves and what our bodies, minds and souls need to feel cared for and nourished.

Once you’ve identified these core experiences that nourish us then self care becomes less about fitting those things in that we feel we ‘have to do’ but more about seeing how we might be able to integrate these core parts of what we need into an aspect of it in our already full lives. It becomes less about a to-do list and more about a deep connection to our core nutrients, an awareness of what we need to look after our souls and really fee in our flow and like our true selves.

It’s only when we see these two aspects, community care and your core nutrients weaving together that we see self care become intentional. Once we have this understanding, the self-care conversation can become much more whole – so we look at not just where we need that community connection but also what our full self needs in order to feel fulfilled and in flow.

Here are a couple of things to consider as you incorporate self care into your lives:

- Where are you accessing community right now? Where are the spaces where you feel connected and cared for in community? Where do you have the opportunity to do this for others as well?

- What are the experiences in your past where you have felt most alive or fulfilled? What were the elements of that experience that really nourished you? 

- Make a list, and then have a look at where you can integrate those things into your life now. Not as another thing to do but as a way to allow yourself to be creative at caring for yourself in a deeper more meaningful and sustainable way.