5 WAYS TO CULTIVATE YOUR INTUITION

What do you think of when you see the word ‘intuition’? I wonder what preconceived ideas or experiences you have with intuition.

Maybe it’s not something you’ve explored? Maybe it’s something that has felt a bit woo to you? Maybe you have had experiences where you’ve not trusted your intuition and regretted it? Maybe it’s something you really believe in and want to cultivate more – whatever it is, cultivating your intuition is an ongoing process but it doesn’t have to be complicated.

Learning how to access my intuition or my own inner wisdom or my gut sense is something that has transformed my approach to my business and my life and I want to share with you why it’s important. I also want to discuss what we can do to nurture it and use it to help us make decisions when we come up against that tough stuff and in every day life.

I believe intuition is a superpower.

We all possess it – a gift within us that is our most sacred, trustworthy, brilliant internal guidance system. Like a compass that we can use to understand ourselves more deeply.

And yet most of us dismiss it, or forget about it or override it because we live in such a fast-paced, quick fix society where we want other people to tell us the answers to all of our problems and how we should live.

Our rational brains are absolutely brilliant in their ability to help us find logic and make sense of things, but the place of intuition in our life means that it can be called on for a deeper connection to the world around us and most importantly a deeper connection to ourselves, our desires and our boundaries.

Most of us are familiar with our inner critics, I talk about that a lot – the voice that tells us our limitations, that quashes our enthusiasm, that tries to keep us safe from any risk, that works to pull us back in when we contemplate change or stepping outside our comfort zone.

If our inner critic is the voice of limitation, our intuition is the inner voice of wisdom and curiosity– the one that tells you that you should move towards the things that light you up, or avoid the person who seems great on paper but makes you uncomfortable. It’s that sense of knowing or feeling in your gut. And it's something we should all be not only paying more attention to but be learning to nurture and grow into.

I know that the world is noisy. Our social media feeds feel noisy. Opinions of others feel noisy. Our minds are noisy. We need to see getting connected to our intuition as an opportunity to retreat from that.

Your intuition is the most wise, accurate, deep part of your true self and I want to share with you ways that we can begin to hone this part of who we are, to allow it to have a stronger presence or prominence in our lives and see how amazing, calming and discerning we can feel when we give ourselves space to understand it more.

Like courage, intuition can be cultivated. It can be strengthened with practice so I want to give you five tips that I know have helped me and I know will help you to amplify your trustworthy inner voice of intuition.

1.     The first thing that’s important is to identify which voices are NOT yours.

Before you can hear your own voice, you need to sift through all the ones that are not yours. Being selective about the type of content we choose to consume and being mindful of the amount that we consume helps to keep our own thoughts from drowning out.

The less unnecessary information we absorb on a regular basis, the more it can amplify our own voice and our ability to hear our own thoughts and the more meaningful it will become. The same goes for other areas of your life where there are many opinions filtering in – be aware of whose voices you hear when you think about the things you would love to do or how you want to move forward. It’s really important to have good boundaries around whose opinions matter to us and what we are prepared to engage in so that we can make sure we don’t lose our own voice and thoughts in the midst.

2. Secondly, honing your intuition is so much easier when you align with your values so get to know where you stand on things and what is of utmost importance to you as a person.

Your mind can often steer you away from your integrity in sneaky ways, but your intuition will not. We have all had experiences where we have or have been tempted to betray our values. Learn what it feels like to behave in alignment with your values, and you'll start to sense your intuition more clearly. The more that you connect to your core values, the more you will sense your intuition guiding you towards or away from things.

It might be worth spending some time writing down 5-7 values that are most important to you in life or work. What do you want to anchor your intuition? When you know what your values are, your intuition is more able to function - you can discern more easily what is for you and what is not.

3.     The third thing is regular journaling.

It doesn’t have to be long, It doesn’t have to be hard, but even setting five minutes at some time during the day and sitting down and writing out what is going on in your head, how you are feeling, what you are struggling with and what you want to feel or do to move forward is POWERFUL. It allows the brain to slow down – even the act of writing with a pen and paper nowadays is significant in helping us to slow down because we’re so used to fast typing or texting.

So many of us are resistant to this practice because we might not know what to say or write, but there are no rules and that’s the point. It’s about slowing down, allowing your brain to release some of the things swirling around and seeing what comes up.

To get the most out of journalling, the focus must be on self-expression through sustainable practice. So, how it feels rather than how it looks, and realistic consistency determined by you. There is immense power in habitually making time to listen to your thoughts, which only serves to strengthen the connection with our intuition.

4.     On a similar vein – the fourth thing is finding quiet space for ourselves.

Quiet space can be in the form of meditation or just taking five minutes outside with our feet on the ground or lying down for a couple of minutes, doing some deep breathing, feeling each muscle release and sending breath around your body.

Finding a few moments a day for quiet space, allows for an opportunity to quiet our mind and what's going on around us. These pockets of quiet can bring us back to the present and keep us focused on what we can do in that specific moment, which is so often all we have control of anyway.

There are some great free apps for this – I’ve been using Simple Habit for a while which allows you to really tailor your meditation for whatever time of the day or situation you’re in and whatever time you have. I did a 2 minute meditation before I started work today and it was a great way of just stopping, getting quiet and observing my breath before I began my day.

5. Finally, a really clever, simple but powerful tip for tuning into your intuition can be simply CHANGING THE "WHY" QUESTIONS TO "WHAT" QUESTIONS. 

When you come to the point of struggle or resistance or feel the urge to shame yourself (Hello, inner critic!) you can begin to return back to your intuition by framing your inner dialogue. So instead of asking "Why am I struggling with this? Why do I always do this? Why can I never get this together?" a more intuitive way to approach yourself might be to ask "What is it about this task that I'm struggling with? What is it that is keeping me stuck in this situation? What am I worried about here? What is it that I need to move ahead here"

Often when we ask why, the question is framed in a way to bring shame. But when we ask what – we are searching for deeper reasons to connect to and that can reveal some powerful answers if we are willing to listen closely to ourselves.

So – 5 ways that we can nurture our intuition and access the guidance, self-trust and wisdom that we want.

WHY WE NEED TO STOP FEELING EMBARRASSED BY OUR AMBITION

How do you feel when you think about the word ambition?

What feelings or image or emotions come up when you think of it? 

 Now take a moment to think about an ambitious woman. What feelings come up for you then?

It seems we’ve painted ambition with a dirty brush. By taking the toxic elements that we perceive about ambition and skewing its meaning, particularly when it’s used in the description of a woman.

For this very reason, I KNOW so many women who find it hard to admit they have ambition. This admission comes with a fear of being judged for having ambition because our society has historically never allowed women to voice, let alone celebrate, their desire to achieve and do more.

As if wanting more for this one life that we’ve got is greedy, needy or will make us unlikeable in some way.

In fact, there have been studies conducted by leading research institutions such as Harvard and Columbia University, dissecting the perception of ambitious women. The research shows that culturally, ambition is seen as a positive trait in men yet criticised in women. 

When presented with two case studies (one male, one female) with exactly the same goals, ideas and personality traits the female was found to be more scrutinised and rejected.

I see the repercussions of this culture affecting so many women in my line of work. In my programmes, I see women who are terrified to admit that they have ideas, aspirations and goals that they’d like to make a reality.

 The truth is that they have every reason to be afraid of owning their brilliance and their desires. This is because we

a) Have never made women feel safe to have or share their ambitions or to grow and desire their goals without attaching a negative connotation to it, and 

b) We have neglected to create support systems that enable women to do this without feeling like they have to compromise other areas of their lives when they do.

Unfortunately women have good reason to be fearful of coming across as ambitious. We have demonised women’s aspirations and appetite for more by reducing it to mean that she’s ‘bossy’, pushy, untrustworthy, competitive, maybe even undesireable to a potential partner or a bit too big for her boots.

And yet we see other virtues of womanhood celebrated and elevated much more for being the ‘traditional’ values of womanhood that don’t allow women to move outside of the roles created for them by society – things like self-sacrifice, and caring for everyone else.

So what happens for women who face that fear with their ambition?

Well, we go into self-protection mode.

We end up hiding, feeling embarrassed, dumbing down our ideas, people-pleasing, apologising or not taking credit for our efforts, handing things over to other people when we’re capable and want to do things for ourselves, doubting our abilities, feeling resentful and worse than that – this resentment often leads women to judge each other and being competitive or bitchy.

We fall into the trap that society has set up for us and it keeps us small and scared, not realising this is exactly the intention of society and it’s a cycle that continues on and on.

 This needs to change.

We need to normalise, accept, celebrate and give each other permission to thrive in the ways that we want to.

To break this cycle that society has set up for us, we need to find supportive spaces to be more fully ourselves where we can own our ideas and goals as well as find cheerleaders to encourage us as we pursue the things we care about. 

It has to start with us.

And we have a responsibility to both own the desires and ambitions we have for ourselves as well as make sure that we are a safe person and place for other women to share their ambitions with.

When we own our ambitions and become safe places for other women to thrive how they want to, it releases other women to do the same. 

It’s our way of saying: “there is plenty of room for us all.” 

We all have different ideas of what fulfilment and desire looks like but the desire for them as a group is how we can help each other to be brave.

Ambition comes in many forms and we should just accept that it goes hand in hand with the stereotypes we’ve been given. As soon as we realise that ambition does not equate to the stereotypes then we can actually allow ourselves to be really inspired by each other.

This is how we can challenge these cultural tropes that paint women with ambition in a negative light.

There will always be those that are intimidated, threatened or resentful when they observe or encounter a woman who openly displays her ambition. There’s no getting around the risk of potential criticism or the opinions of others but it’s important to remember that other people’s responses to your ambition usually have nothing to do with you.

Their responses to us only really ever tell us about them.

 And so the questions I want to leave you with today are:

-        Are you willing to be loyal to your own curiosities and ideas? Are you ready to be loyal to yourself and your ambitions?

-        Where can you bring those ambitions and dreams to that feels safe and empowering?

-        How are you going to champion other women who are taking the risk to stretch and grow as well?

I hope this gives you some permission today, to be ambitious in whatever way you need to. To know that your ambition is not embarrassing or threatening – it is important and necessary for us to witness and own it.

FINDING THE TRUE SELF CARE THAT FEEDS YOUR CORE

Self care is really having a moment right now, isn’t it?

There are more anxieties and pressures in the world now more than ever and with the uncertainty of the last year to add into the mix, understandably we need to make time for ourselves now more than ever.

We all have so many responsibilities, people, causes and things vying for our attention, so it’s only good and right that we take a moment and think about how we might intentionally care for ourselves.

However what worries me about this is that often, particularly for women, self care becomes a ‘nice to have’ rather than a ‘necessity to take care of ourselves’, as for women it often becomes just an extra line on our list of things to do:

- Reply to that email – TICK

- Get groceries – TICK

- Check in on that friend that seemed off – TICK

- Set a reminder to register kids for xyz – TICK

- Book a call with the accountant – TICK

- TAKE CARE OF SELF – ummmmm….Ok?

And that last item just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list, to tomorrow, to next week, to half term and on and on. It’s never a priority we allow ourselves.

But I really think we’ve got it wrong when we view self care in this same task-driven way that we see other compartments of our lives. What this ends up doing is making self care another thing to feel pressured to do, to accomplish, to attain and yet we don’t put it at the top of the list because often as women, we don’t allow ourselves to put ourselves first.

It also then means, because we are human and are already stretched, we end up trying to look for shortcuts, hacks or tips to try and quickly dip our toes in, partially attempt it or even more worryingly – we commodify it as something that can be purchased. 

This is one of my concerns about self care and the way that it’s perceived. It’s become another sneaky capitalist-skewed way of operating that we have to buy into and consequently we think that’s the only way to take care of ourselves. This only depletes us more and actually heaps even more shame on us if we ‘don’t get around to the self care thing this week’. 

And we all know what happens when shame enters the room, right? We shrink. We feel immobilised.

Rather than the self care we think we have to buy into, I’m interested in a more nuanced conversation about what it really means to care for ourselves. And even beyond that, what does it really mean for us to care for ourselves and each other in meaningful, restorative ways?

Because caring for ourselves as a concept might not be as helpful as it sounds or as helpful as we’re all led to believe it is. It really puts so much pressure on us to be able to do that and to do it right, when the reality is that we need each other in order to feel nourished just as much as we need ourselves. This is a human instinct and to deny that moves us away from our biological, innate essence.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s brilliant book - ‘Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle’ – they say this:

“No one is “complete” without other people—and we mean this literally. To be complete without social connection is to be nourished without food. It doesn’t happen. We get hungry. We get lonely. We must feed ourselves or die. We don’t mean you “need a man” or any kind of romantic partner. We mean you need connection in any or all of its varied forms. And it is also true that the lifelong development of autonomy is as innate to human nature as the drive to connect. We need both connection and autonomy. That’s not a contradiction. Humans are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again.”

 So what we need is this more generous, supportive and rich way to understand self care and this comes in two parts:

1) Community care. This community aspect is realising that we need each other. We need to intentionally connect with our community and allow ourselves to be helped and cared for as well as doing that for others. We do this through deep honest friendships, surrounding ourselves with those who nourish us and whom we can nourish in return.

The second part comes in:

2) The Self aspect. And we think we already know this one, but I think we need to look deeper than just candles and Netflix (although I have no doubt that these are often an indulgence and escape that we need sometimes too!) But what if instead of looking for ways to escape our life so we can feel cared for, we look deeper at the ways in which we really find fulfilment to nurture ourselves? 

What if we choose to reflect on the experiences and moments in our life where we have felt in flow, in our element or when we have felt like we are living our purpose, then we dilute and dissect what elements of those experiences brought us to life and use this as our starting point. 

When we really pinpoint those moments that make us feel full up and alive, often things come up like: ‘when I’m able to create without pressure,’ or ‘When I’m bringing people together for a purpose,’ or ‘when I get to experience novelty or be spontaneous’. These things are our core experiences and they are telling us something about ourselves and what our bodies, minds and souls need to feel cared for and nourished.

Once you’ve identified these core experiences that nourish us then self care becomes less about fitting those things in that we feel we ‘have to do’ but more about seeing how we might be able to integrate these core parts of what we need into an aspect of it in our already full lives. It becomes less about a to-do list and more about a deep connection to our core nutrients, an awareness of what we need to look after our souls and really fee in our flow and like our true selves.

It’s only when we see these two aspects, community care and your core nutrients weaving together that we see self care become intentional. Once we have this understanding, the self-care conversation can become much more whole – so we look at not just where we need that community connection but also what our full self needs in order to feel fulfilled and in flow.

Here are a couple of things to consider as you incorporate self care into your lives:

- Where are you accessing community right now? Where are the spaces where you feel connected and cared for in community? Where do you have the opportunity to do this for others as well?

- What are the experiences in your past where you have felt most alive or fulfilled? What were the elements of that experience that really nourished you? 

- Make a list, and then have a look at where you can integrate those things into your life now. Not as another thing to do but as a way to allow yourself to be creative at caring for yourself in a deeper more meaningful and sustainable way.

YOU CANNOT FIGHT YOUR FEAR

Have you ever been in that position where you feel like you’re standing on the brink of change? Maybe you’ve been thinking about a change, or you’ve got an idea you’re toying with or something that you really want to say or do but the fear of jumping in and going for it is holding you back.

Maybe you’ve dipped your toe in the water of something new and fear has got you frozen, unable to move past the point of a toe dip and you’re ready to run back to safer shores. 

If this sounds a bit like you and those feelings and thoughts are fear and swirling around, the fear of what could go wrong feels overwhelming, but I want you to know that those feelings are completely normal and understandable. I want us to acknowledge those feelings and use this little dose of bravery to help you move forward and take the jump.

I’m a mother to two kids and like most kids, they give me the run around at bedtime. My youngest is 5 and she especially loves the bedtime shenanigans. She is such a happy, chilled little girl until it comes to going to bed and as soon as it’s time for lights out, it starts. For the last five years, we have stayed with her while she’s falling asleep, now we’ve been trying to transition out of that because she’s five now and bedtime ends up taking forever!

We all end up cramped in her single bed as she gets overtired. But still when it’s time for lights out and whoever is putting her to bed to leave the room, she starts. She gets really scared and starts tells me all kinds of reasons why it’s not bedtime in an attempt to keep me in the room. The thing about this process is, she is completely capable of falling asleep by herself, she’s just afraid because it’s new.

And new things are scary.

The dark is scary (even when the lights are on!) But fear isn’t interested in what’s real when it shows up for us in our own lives. Fear exists to keep us safe and it will tell us anything to keep us in our comfort zone and the ‘known’.

Doing things that are outside of our comfort zone are hard to get used to and our brains tend to try and alert us and warn us off to help us avoid the risks of the unknown. 

For the first few times we tried this new bedtime routine it was really frustrating. Whoever was putting her to bed would get annoyed at how long the excuses and the faffing about went on for, then it would end up getting heated. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who can relate to this!

But this process made me realised that when it comes to fear it's actually counterintuitive to try and fight it. Fear is a human, innate instinct and when we try to bypass fear and think that we can fight it, argue with it, or force it into place, that's always going to be a lost cause. 

Fear is unpredictable and erratic. So for my daughter, getting annoyed at her fear only prolongs the fear and escalates the situation more.

When we are moving towards something new, it often involves making ourselves vulnerable, and even it’s something really exciting for you, fear is still at the ready. How fear shows up in our brain is by mentally throwing anything and everything it can think of to make us retreat away from this unknown territory of expansion and vulnerability into safety again. That’s why every thought we have in fear is often about failing, making a fool of ourselves or thinking of everything that could go wrong.

This is why fear is usually chaotic and unlikely to make a whole lot of sense, even though what we might be hearing in our head sounds ‘realistic’ or ‘reasonable’, it’s easier to accept that fear is right than to accept we need to push through this fear and these chaotic thoughts to succeed in taking the first step outside of the known.

So when those chaotic and overwhelming thoughts are dominating, what our fear often needs to hear is compassion and some good old reliable information. It needs tending to like a child kicking off at bedtime. It needs understanding, soothing and calming to counteract the chaos that it brings to our systems. 

As a parent, this means digging deep at the most tired part of the day when all you want to do is crash out on the sofa with an episode of something. And for anyone feeling fear about those things you want to do or want to explore, it means digging deep to find that understanding and compassion for ourselves when all of our instincts are telling us to run and simultaneously shaming ourselves for not having it together, or not being braver.

All we want is for our fear to go away and let us get on with the things we want to do. All I wanted was for my daughter to get there faster with the bedtime routine but she needs me to remain calm and not enter the chaos with her. To reassure her and be that rational voice to counteract the voice of fear. I can’t be the one to put gasoline on the fire of her fears by getting annoyed, instead I need to smother her fears with my love and patience. Hard as it is.

And you know what, after a few nights of digging deep, remaining calm and reassuring her, things are much calmer at bedtime. My reassurance has kept her calm and shown her that she can do it, that it’s safe and that we’re here to respond if she really does need us. It takes some evidence building to proof to herself and her fear that she’s capable of it for it to feel less scary. And it works the same way for us. 

So when you are thinking about or planning for the next thing you need to be brave about and you feel that rise of fear, know that you have it in you to dig deep, show yourself compassion and acknowledge your fear for what it is. 

Your body and brain are trying to protect you from the unknown and unfamiliar. By acknowledging that you can let your fear know that you are grateful for its protection and that you’d like to proceed. You can show it the evidence that you’re ready, that the thoughts of failure are not rational but fear’s safety net which you appreciate and need to move on from. 

You can give your fear a stroke on the proverbial head and reassure it that you can take it from here.