WHY WE NEED TO STOP FEELING EMBARRASSED BY OUR AMBITION

How do you feel when you think about the word ambition?

What feelings or image or emotions come up when you think of it? 

 Now take a moment to think about an ambitious woman. What feelings come up for you then?

It seems we’ve painted ambition with a dirty brush. By taking the toxic elements that we perceive about ambition and skewing its meaning, particularly when it’s used in the description of a woman.

For this very reason, I KNOW so many women who find it hard to admit they have ambition. This admission comes with a fear of being judged for having ambition because our society has historically never allowed women to voice, let alone celebrate, their desire to achieve and do more.

As if wanting more for this one life that we’ve got is greedy, needy or will make us unlikeable in some way.

In fact, there have been studies conducted by leading research institutions such as Harvard and Columbia University, dissecting the perception of ambitious women. The research shows that culturally, ambition is seen as a positive trait in men yet criticised in women. 

When presented with two case studies (one male, one female) with exactly the same goals, ideas and personality traits the female was found to be more scrutinised and rejected.

I see the repercussions of this culture affecting so many women in my line of work. In my programmes, I see women who are terrified to admit that they have ideas, aspirations and goals that they’d like to make a reality.

 The truth is that they have every reason to be afraid of owning their brilliance and their desires. This is because we

a) Have never made women feel safe to have or share their ambitions or to grow and desire their goals without attaching a negative connotation to it, and 

b) We have neglected to create support systems that enable women to do this without feeling like they have to compromise other areas of their lives when they do.

Unfortunately women have good reason to be fearful of coming across as ambitious. We have demonised women’s aspirations and appetite for more by reducing it to mean that she’s ‘bossy’, pushy, untrustworthy, competitive, maybe even undesireable to a potential partner or a bit too big for her boots.

And yet we see other virtues of womanhood celebrated and elevated much more for being the ‘traditional’ values of womanhood that don’t allow women to move outside of the roles created for them by society – things like self-sacrifice, and caring for everyone else.

So what happens for women who face that fear with their ambition?

Well, we go into self-protection mode.

We end up hiding, feeling embarrassed, dumbing down our ideas, people-pleasing, apologising or not taking credit for our efforts, handing things over to other people when we’re capable and want to do things for ourselves, doubting our abilities, feeling resentful and worse than that – this resentment often leads women to judge each other and being competitive or bitchy.

We fall into the trap that society has set up for us and it keeps us small and scared, not realising this is exactly the intention of society and it’s a cycle that continues on and on.

 This needs to change.

We need to normalise, accept, celebrate and give each other permission to thrive in the ways that we want to.

To break this cycle that society has set up for us, we need to find supportive spaces to be more fully ourselves where we can own our ideas and goals as well as find cheerleaders to encourage us as we pursue the things we care about. 

It has to start with us.

And we have a responsibility to both own the desires and ambitions we have for ourselves as well as make sure that we are a safe person and place for other women to share their ambitions with.

When we own our ambitions and become safe places for other women to thrive how they want to, it releases other women to do the same. 

It’s our way of saying: “there is plenty of room for us all.” 

We all have different ideas of what fulfilment and desire looks like but the desire for them as a group is how we can help each other to be brave.

Ambition comes in many forms and we should just accept that it goes hand in hand with the stereotypes we’ve been given. As soon as we realise that ambition does not equate to the stereotypes then we can actually allow ourselves to be really inspired by each other.

This is how we can challenge these cultural tropes that paint women with ambition in a negative light.

There will always be those that are intimidated, threatened or resentful when they observe or encounter a woman who openly displays her ambition. There’s no getting around the risk of potential criticism or the opinions of others but it’s important to remember that other people’s responses to your ambition usually have nothing to do with you.

Their responses to us only really ever tell us about them.

 And so the questions I want to leave you with today are:

-        Are you willing to be loyal to your own curiosities and ideas? Are you ready to be loyal to yourself and your ambitions?

-        Where can you bring those ambitions and dreams to that feels safe and empowering?

-        How are you going to champion other women who are taking the risk to stretch and grow as well?

I hope this gives you some permission today, to be ambitious in whatever way you need to. To know that your ambition is not embarrassing or threatening – it is important and necessary for us to witness and own it.