THE MEASURE OF SUCCESS

In this post I want to talk about success and feelings.

Ultimately, the idea of success is so subjective. How one measures success is not going to be the same as the next person.

Most of us are so disconnected to our own desires and needs that we end up defaulting to ascribing to the measures of success that seem easy and palpable:

-        Hitting a certain number of followers

-        How many people buy from you or sign up to your thing

-        How much money you bring in

-        How busy or in demand you are

By all means, these can contribute to the idea of being successful and in some ways – it feels really good to know that people are desiring our products, or connecting with our work or interested in what we have to say or share. But this can’t be it. This can’t be all we have been given as a measurement tool.  What if we are absolutely missing a critical metric here: How we are feeling about what we are doing?

So often, when we are bringing ideas into the world, creating a business or something we feel excited about, the focus is on these metrics as guideposts for how we are doing. We tend to bypass the ‘feelings’ stuff and cross our fingers that if the metrics add up, the feelings will follow. Unfortunately, that’s usually the opposite of how it works.

I have several clients who, on paper are hitting all of those measures of success that I talked about a minute ago. They are booking clients, taking in a lot of orders, super in demand for their products and services and yet when we get into the coaching space and really reflect on how all of that is feeling, successful isn’t a word that comes up. Tired is. Frazzled is. Unclear is.

Often what I hear is that their work feels out of control, that it has taken on a life of its own. It’s like they work for their business instead of their business working for them amongst the other usually very complex and busy demands of their whole life.

There is little to no connection between the standard measurement of success and the feeling of success.

In the work that I do, I feel like my job is often about pulling my clients back to themselves. Dusting off the road that has been littered with expectations, arbitrary rules and measurements and shining a light back to the centre of who they are and asking

“what of this isn’t working for your energy right now?” “What do you want less of?” What do you want more of? What feels misaligned?

These aren’t the questions that come up in a downloadable business plan; but they hold the most power. Because when we are asking and answering these questions; when we make space to get quiet about our real desires, about how the work we once loved is making us feel, about what we really want this work to look like within the context of the rest of our lives, then we can gently course correct and strategize to make them a reality and rebuild a path towards it.

Maybe, if you’re feeling stuck in the zone of setting metrics for yourself based on numbers and figures to identify success, or you’re feeling detached from how you want your work to feel and just cruising along in autopilot it would be helpful for you to sit down with some of these questions today

These are the questions and the metrics that help me to unpack if what I’m doing is really fulfilling. If you want to write these down and check in with yourself, feel free.

-        What kind of impact is my work having with the people it’s for? Are they really feeling the intended shifts that they’re here for? Are they trusting themselves more, feeling supported?

-        How is my energy towards my work? Am I excited for it or dreading it? What am I dreading and why?

-        How is my business allowing me to live your life outside of it? Do I feel like I can’t switch off, have I given myself so much to do that I’m taking it into family time, have I made up arbitrary rules for myself that are limiting my ability to experience joy or pleasure?

-        What is the quality of my relationships? How connected do I feel to the people that matter in my life?

-        Do I feel like my reputation is holding up? Am I in integrity with how I’m communicating my work, how I’m selling my services, how I’m showing up for my clients?

-        How do I feel about selling this service? Am I delighted to let people know about it? Am I grounded in the value of it or am I feeling some scarcity and fear?

-        Do I feel momentum in my work, like I am finding space to grow deeper in my knowledge of how to help my clients?

-        Am I feeling supported? Do I need to check in with my business support system (for me that’s other coaches or my supervisor)?

I want you to be careful not to listen to these questions, contemplate your answers and dip into shame. Shame will keep you stuck in the mire. If you’re contemplating these things and lots of them feel hard to answer, that’s OK. You’re not doing things wrong, you’re doing your best. Try to welcome this as an opportunity to reset, without shame lingering, but as a way to take some power back and inject the priority of how you are feeling as an integral part of your work.

Without these as thresholds to reflect on, I am likely to overwork, load stuff onto my plate, numb out or disconnect. I am likely to overthink, to fixate, to be easily hurt or offended and take things really personally. I’m likely to be emotionally up and down because my validation has been built on the wrong metrics. 

These are the metrics that matter to me because I know that when these things are prioritised, my work becomes a joy. It becomes regenerative, a pleasure. Most of us start with the opposite metrics and hope that the rest will fall into place, or we believe that the outward “success’ will somehow morph into feeling like we are thriving. When the opposite is actually true. When we realign our work or business to take into account our whole self and put structures in place to honour that, that’s when the magic happens.

I hope this gives you permission today to start to measure what you’re doing from a different angle. I hope you feel courageous enough to be honest about the impact of what you are doing on how you are feeling and are willing to take whatever steps you need to shift things around.

YOU CANNOT FIGHT YOUR FEAR

Have you ever been in that position where you feel like you’re standing on the brink of change? Maybe you’ve been thinking about a change, or you’ve got an idea you’re toying with or something that you really want to say or do but the fear of jumping in and going for it is holding you back.

Maybe you’ve dipped your toe in the water of something new and fear has got you frozen, unable to move past the point of a toe dip and you’re ready to run back to safer shores. 

If this sounds a bit like you and those feelings and thoughts are fear and swirling around, the fear of what could go wrong feels overwhelming, but I want you to know that those feelings are completely normal and understandable. I want us to acknowledge those feelings and use this little dose of bravery to help you move forward and take the jump.

I’m a mother to two kids and like most kids, they give me the run around at bedtime. My youngest is 5 and she especially loves the bedtime shenanigans. She is such a happy, chilled little girl until it comes to going to bed and as soon as it’s time for lights out, it starts. For the last five years, we have stayed with her while she’s falling asleep, now we’ve been trying to transition out of that because she’s five now and bedtime ends up taking forever!

We all end up cramped in her single bed as she gets overtired. But still when it’s time for lights out and whoever is putting her to bed to leave the room, she starts. She gets really scared and starts tells me all kinds of reasons why it’s not bedtime in an attempt to keep me in the room. The thing about this process is, she is completely capable of falling asleep by herself, she’s just afraid because it’s new.

And new things are scary.

The dark is scary (even when the lights are on!) But fear isn’t interested in what’s real when it shows up for us in our own lives. Fear exists to keep us safe and it will tell us anything to keep us in our comfort zone and the ‘known’.

Doing things that are outside of our comfort zone are hard to get used to and our brains tend to try and alert us and warn us off to help us avoid the risks of the unknown. 

For the first few times we tried this new bedtime routine it was really frustrating. Whoever was putting her to bed would get annoyed at how long the excuses and the faffing about went on for, then it would end up getting heated. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who can relate to this!

But this process made me realised that when it comes to fear it's actually counterintuitive to try and fight it. Fear is a human, innate instinct and when we try to bypass fear and think that we can fight it, argue with it, or force it into place, that's always going to be a lost cause. 

Fear is unpredictable and erratic. So for my daughter, getting annoyed at her fear only prolongs the fear and escalates the situation more.

When we are moving towards something new, it often involves making ourselves vulnerable, and even it’s something really exciting for you, fear is still at the ready. How fear shows up in our brain is by mentally throwing anything and everything it can think of to make us retreat away from this unknown territory of expansion and vulnerability into safety again. That’s why every thought we have in fear is often about failing, making a fool of ourselves or thinking of everything that could go wrong.

This is why fear is usually chaotic and unlikely to make a whole lot of sense, even though what we might be hearing in our head sounds ‘realistic’ or ‘reasonable’, it’s easier to accept that fear is right than to accept we need to push through this fear and these chaotic thoughts to succeed in taking the first step outside of the known.

So when those chaotic and overwhelming thoughts are dominating, what our fear often needs to hear is compassion and some good old reliable information. It needs tending to like a child kicking off at bedtime. It needs understanding, soothing and calming to counteract the chaos that it brings to our systems. 

As a parent, this means digging deep at the most tired part of the day when all you want to do is crash out on the sofa with an episode of something. And for anyone feeling fear about those things you want to do or want to explore, it means digging deep to find that understanding and compassion for ourselves when all of our instincts are telling us to run and simultaneously shaming ourselves for not having it together, or not being braver.

All we want is for our fear to go away and let us get on with the things we want to do. All I wanted was for my daughter to get there faster with the bedtime routine but she needs me to remain calm and not enter the chaos with her. To reassure her and be that rational voice to counteract the voice of fear. I can’t be the one to put gasoline on the fire of her fears by getting annoyed, instead I need to smother her fears with my love and patience. Hard as it is.

And you know what, after a few nights of digging deep, remaining calm and reassuring her, things are much calmer at bedtime. My reassurance has kept her calm and shown her that she can do it, that it’s safe and that we’re here to respond if she really does need us. It takes some evidence building to proof to herself and her fear that she’s capable of it for it to feel less scary. And it works the same way for us. 

So when you are thinking about or planning for the next thing you need to be brave about and you feel that rise of fear, know that you have it in you to dig deep, show yourself compassion and acknowledge your fear for what it is. 

Your body and brain are trying to protect you from the unknown and unfamiliar. By acknowledging that you can let your fear know that you are grateful for its protection and that you’d like to proceed. You can show it the evidence that you’re ready, that the thoughts of failure are not rational but fear’s safety net which you appreciate and need to move on from. 

You can give your fear a stroke on the proverbial head and reassure it that you can take it from here.

WHY JEALOUSY, COMPARISON + DISCOMFORT IS A GIFT

This happens to all of us. None of us are immune to these three things. Jealousy, Comparison and Discomfort. 

• You see someone doing something really well, stepping out, showing up or taking steps towards something exciting and it stings. You question their motives, pick holes in their methods, inwardly (or maybe outwardly) have a pop at their action. Jealousy.

• You watch as someone launches a new thing that is really similar to your idea. You agonise over what they are doing because they are doing it in ways you hadn’t thought of or with seemingly more ease or traction. You follow closely, weigh up how your version of that thing isn’t as good or executed as well, sinking into feelings of being an imposter or worthlessness. Comparison.

• You brew an idea for something, let it simmer and realise all the work that is ahead of you to make it happen. You maybe mention it to a few people, don’t get the responses you wanted and that sense of failure hangs close. You shut things down before you even begin. Discomfort.

But what if these three feelings don’t have to be enveloped in pain? What if they are guiding markers, leading us towards understanding something really true about ourselves?

I want to flip the idea that jealousy, comparison and discomfort are feelings that we should go into battle with and show how, if we frame them just a little differently, they can give us some solid information and motivation that will propel us into action instead of hiding and shutting ourselves away.

Here are three reasons why we should capture these feelings and lean into them a little more:

1)    THEY POINTS OUT TO US THE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY PRECIOUS TO US.

What if instead of being frustrated or annoyed by jealousy or comparison we took information from it? What if we could loosen the power of these feelings over us by activating our curiosity.

When those feelings arise, instead of fanning them into full flame, what we can do is tune our mind to slow down and be curious about what our reaction or response is telling us.

“I’m having a strong reaction to this situation or person – I wonder what it is about it that is bringing up these feelings for me”.

Our brains are wired to get answers quickly and often we repeat patterns that we have learned over the years that are unhelpful to us in a bid to rationalise our way out of discomfort.

If we activate curiosity instead, we can actually learn some incredible truths about ourselves in the situation. What we can do is harness the feeling of comparison or jealousy to unlock some deeper stuff that is probably going on for us and use it as fuel to move ahead instead of throwing the towel in or getting competitive and frantic.

Feelings of comparison are actually really useful and can reveal for us some of our deepest desires.

INSTEAD OF THIS:

“Oh – every time I hear about that person speaking at events it makes me feel really behind. She is everywhere.”

ACTIVATE CURIOUS THINKING:

“When I hear of people getting opportunities to speak at events it sparks something in me that might lead me to think that I would quite like to do that. I wonder how I can connect with people to see if that could be an opportunity for me”.

 Do you hear the difference in the tone? Curiosity opens us up to possibilities instead of allowing old patterns of how we manage comparison and jealousy to steal our joy.

2)    THEY CAN SHOW US THE POTENTIAL AVAILABLE TO US.

When we view jealousy, comparison and discomfort as a gift, rather than something to banish, we can allow ourselves to see the potential for movement.

There are so many temptations around us in patriarchal culture that try to usher us into the mindset of scarcity and not-enoughness. There are not enough customers, not enough ears that will listen, not enough time to do something different, not enough space for me to bring the thing I really want to to life.

This BS messaging keeps us small.

What if we saw women who are putting themselves out there as allies instead of competition? What if you saw someone doing something that you would love to do and instead of feeling like you’ve missed the boat you could think “that is inspiring and if she can do it, why not me too?”.

Staying in discomfort, jealousy and comparison reinforces a culture of scarcity and pits women against each other instead of seeing it as a window from which we can view what is possible for us as well.

The next time you have those feelings come up, practice this updated way of thinking and do one small thing that will move you towards the idea you have – it will serve you so much better than rolling around in the pain of scarcity and inaction.

3)    THEY ARE ALERTING US THAT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

When jealousy, comparison and discomfort hit, you can be sure that you are on the precipice of moving towards something significant for you.

Our brains are wired to alert us when we are inching towards unknown territory or putting ourselves out there in a way that might make us vulnerable. It will use jealousy, comparison and discomfort to try and tug you back into that place of safety and comfort. You don’t have to let it.

My friends, this is not where you are made to stay. Comfort zones are rarely comfortable. They are there for when we need healing and deeper restoration, but not for when we want to take steps towards the things that feel really true and freeing for us.

I urge you today to look at how you’ve been handling feelings of jealousy, comparison and discomfort and see if you can give yourself permission to learn from them and lean into the powerful information you can gain from framing those experiences differently.

What Are We So Afraid Of?

You can see it pretty much everywhere you look if you look closely enough.  It's there, glaring out at you behind most things.  It's a tiny little four lettered word that has enough power behind it to cripple even the most resilient of us all. Fear.

Most of my surface fears are easy to describe:

-  Flocks of birds flying towards me (there was an incident with bird seed at trafalgar square when I was a child that brought this on...ask my mother)

-  Large groupings of small circular bumps or holes (I swear, it's a thing - Tryophobia *shudder*)

-  That the stuff that goes on in Homeland is actually true in real life (Sarin gas leaked into Capital cities?  I'll never sleep again)

-  Falling down the stairs while carrying Levi (I have this visual in my head every. time. I go down the stairs with him in my arms)

Some of our fears are less easy to describe, though - and they lurk beneath the surface of our brave exterior, showing up in places and situations we might not expect.  Our actions and reactions reveal a lot about our fears.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

When we look in magazines or in celebrity gossip columns - our inner voice tells us we don't look like that, have enough of that or are having as much fun as that - that's the voice of FEAR and it holds the power to make us feel inadequate instead of the TRUTH that it's all just smoke and mirrors.

When we see racially isolating, sensational or inflammatory social media posts or articles - Muslims are out to kill us all, more guns is the answer, it's us against them - those posts are driven by FEAR, the world has gone nuts and we badly want to control the narrative and we demonise a whole entire religion instead of the TRUTH that there is more good in the world than there is evil and that violence begets violence.

It's there in relationships that are difficult, where there is back-biting, jealousy, power-playing - FEAR makes us withdraw, be defensive or attack instead of seeing each other as flawed humans that are all just trying to figure things out.

It's there in our overspending and consumption, when we see what everyone else is wearing or having and we break our necks to keep up appearances - it's our FEAR that runs ahead and cripples our finances to make sure we're not left behind instead of getting out of the rat race and enjoying the simple things.

It's there in Churches when heads are buried about important topics that are changing the face of our culture like LGTB issues, climate change, peacemaking, consumerism, racism and addiction - it's FEAR that refuses to face up and keeps the Church looking like a Sunday club for safe-talking holy joes instead of a place of acceptance and of strong leadership on justice issues.

It's there in parenting when we react poorly to our kids - it's our FEAR that rises up and causes us to resort to threats and punishments to try and enforce good behaviour instead of listening and being patient and modelling gentleness.

It's there in the smaller more subtle things too - so many of our decisions are based on our fears and it would seem that if we dig a little deeper we're all just walking around a bit scared of life, aren't we?

I've been thinking about how different it would be if only we could really hear the fear instead of how we see the fear manifested in these often unhealthy ways.  If we could hear the fear, it would say:

"I'm worried that I'm not enough"

"I'm worried that I'm not safe in my country"

"I'm scared that if we talk about difficult things in our Church we'll be ridiculed or seen as wishy-washy"

"I scared that I'm missing out on all the fun"

"I'm worried that if I give other people a platform, I'll become redundant"

"I'm not sure that my life is exciting enough"

"I'm worried about losing my religious freedom"

"I'm worried that if I give this person too much of myself they'll hurt me"

"I don't want people to think I can't handle being a parent"

"I'm afraid that if I can't do this that I'll lose attention from the people I want to respect me"

That all sounds a lot more human doesn't it?  Who wouldn't hold empathy if someone stood in front of them and confessed these things?  Who could turn someone away that told such naked truths?  And yet, every day we chose to let our fears have power.

You see, it's not that fear is bad - I think it's inevitable.  I think a certain dose of it is healthy and normal but when fear manifests itself in ways that aren't healthy it can lead to destruction, broken relationships and a lot of collateral damage along the way.

It's scary to be human, to be vulnerable and open, isn't it?  I'm challenged by how fear manifests itself in my own life, and how I can find the courage to be more vulnerable with my trusted people.

I think that truth-telling pierces holes in dark places.  When our difficult truths are exposed to the safe people in our own lives, the dark stuff (like our fears) have less control over us.  We can begin to face up to them and find healthier ways to manage.  I know this to be true.

I also know that when we begin to see how fear manifests itself in others we can hold back our judgement a little easier; cut each other some slack; carve out a road for vulnerability and invite those people to join us.

What are your thoughts on fear?  Are there ways that fear has been manifesting itself in your own life that have been unhealthy for you?  How can we live less afraid and give each other more permission to tell the truth? I'd love to hear what you think about this... let's continue the conversation in the comments or on my facebook page.