INFLUENCE: 7 LIFE-CHANGING THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW

The idea of influence is intriguing to me. I’m on a bit of a quest at the minute to explore what it means in culture today; to break open the word and dig out all the flesh that we have put around it and try to find out what is at its core – the real juicy stuff.

And I’m getting somewhere. Somewhere surprising. And it’s exciting to lift the layers and see what’s underneath all the trappings of influence that we have created for ourselves. (sidenote: what we have created - not wonderful)

You see, for the majority of my career I have been involved in activism work. Working with charities, running charity projects, advocating, lobbying, creating movements for change. I’ve met people along the way that have shaped my idea of influence. I’ve witnessed a hunger for influence in the social justice sphere and been fascinated at how the power dynamics work when working for systemic change. I’ve seen what it takes for shifts to happen in the policy room or the campaign planning session; how influence is used – in healthy and unhealthy ways. Yes. The non-profit sector is not always healthy. Activism is not always healthy. Crazy, right?

In the last few years I’ve also been building my own business, one that largely operates online. I believe that my business has the same values as my non-profit work – empowering, advocating and opening conversations about systemic issues that have held women and girls back and creating connections so they can flourish – but this time my medium for this work has changed. I’ve been immersed in the world of social media, working to have my message heard there, connecting with others who are doing the same. To have influence in this sphere has certain trappings associated it and what is held up as influential has sometimes left a lot to desire. For me, anyway.

Both of these worlds have been fascinating to be part of and what influence looks like and what it takes to acquire it are very contrasting from one to the other. Not better. Not more effective. Just different.

In one world, influence is largely about who you know at the top.

In the other world, influence is largely about how many people are looking.

In one world, influence is about needing to be an expert in your field.

In the other world, influence can be gained by staging expertise or by learning as you go.

In one world, influence is mastered by having firm boundaries.

In the other world, influence is largely gained by blurred personal/private lines.

There are so many contrasts to it all and so my interest has piqued over time.

How does influence work so differently in one area to another?

Are there common threads that run through both?

And then, just to make things super interesting - last week I asked my friends on Instagram to think about who has truly been influential in their lives. I wanted to know what the top qualities of that person were that made them so significantly influential to them.

The answers to this came in thick and fast and it would seem that the people who have been incredible influences on our lives are quite close to our minds, easy to recount.

I paid close attention to the responses and what fascinated me was that there were some reoccurring themes. Themes that I’ve been sorting through to make sense of.

What occurred to me in sifting through this all, these personal lived experiences of being influenced by someone else is that influence isn’t actually about what happens on the outside.

Influence is an inside job.

Being a person of influence isn’t something that you can cajole or project - it’s an inner work that makes it’s way out.

As I work through all the data and the interviews and research, I wanted to share with you seven LIFE-CHANGING things that are emerging in my findings about the inside out idea of influence. I’ll be unpacking these more over the coming weeks but for now, just read them and absorb. Be challenged and hopeful. Find your own

1. Influence isn’t actually about outer platforms – it’s about an inner posture.

2. Influence isn’t about momentary notoriety – it’s about long-term dedication.

3. Influence isn’t about power – it’s about contribution.

4. Influence isn’t about reach, it’s about depth.

5. Influence isn’t about accumulation, it’s about generosity.

6. Influence isn’t about perfecting who we are, it’s about becoming who we are.

7. Influence isn’t about striving, it’s about ease.

These are life-changing truths because they tip our cultures idea of influence on it’s head.

Influence is getting rebranded, my friend and it’s happening here.

We don’t have to wait for numbers and figures to have an impact. We don’t have to show up perfectly or expertly or loudly. We get to have an impact. We get to do the inner work that brings integrity back into a world that so badly needs some. Are you with me? Isn’t that an enormous relief to hear?

I’m going to be sharing lots more about influence over the next number of weeks because I think it’s a conversation worth having. I’m going to be hosting an online workshop in October that will fully lay out all of my findings and give a bit of a new blueprint for influence that I think will be really inspiring and hopefully create lots of discussion and opportunity for learning.

If you’d like to be kept in the loop about that – stick your email address in in the box below so you’ll be the first to know about it all!

ON BEING A GOOD INFLUENCE(R)

I remember as an older child having conversations with my mum about influence: what kind of influence was I on my friends? What kind of influence did they have on me? That kind of thing. Maybe she saw an early rebellious streak in me. Or maybe she knew that influence was powerful – that our actions, our movements, decisions have the weight and the power to impact others; a pretty big concept to hold onto as a child but has stood me in good stead (except for my teenage years where influence was waylaid, and I got into my fair share of teenage mischief). So the idea of influence has been a strong thread in my life and I attribute my deep sense of responsibility (holler to all my enneagram ones out there) to be a good influence to those early conversations.

And now that word seems to be pretty popular, ringing in my ears when I dive into the world of social media. Some people are using it as their job description, PR’s and Marketing Teams are including it as a significant part of their campaign plans and strategies and I’m interested in having a conversation about what it really means – what mantle we are giving this term of being ‘an influencer’…

As most thorough blog post researchers do (!), I asked my friends on Instagram what the term ‘Influencer’ meant to them and the response was compelling.

Answers ranged from:

“A synonym for leader”

“Someone with the power to sway you for good or bad in your mindset or actions”

“Someone who makes an impact – positive or negative”

“Someone who lives in such a way that others want to imitate and become more like”

“Someone who inspires me to more, who’s further along than I am”

“Someone that changes your thoughts/viewpoints and is then followed by action”

 To this:

“Smart use of our covetousness by those with something to sell/advertise”

“Instagram accounts where staged pictures are tagged with #ad or #gifted. Insincere posts”

“Someone who gets paid to tell you something is good – which makes me want to do the opposite”

“Someone with high social media numbers meaning they can get paid to promote other peoples’ goods”

“A manipulator”

“An advertiser”

“Someone who influences people to buy more shit they don’t need”

“People who will happily sell a lifestyle they won’t fund themselves”

“Often someone disingenuous”

“Someone that gets paid to encourage others to buy a product”

“Someone with a large following that is approached by brands to create ads in exchange for free products”

“*A bunch of eyeroll emojis*”

“Consumerism”

“Someone that uses social media to make money by getting people to buy things they don’t need”

“Parasites”

“Unauthentic”

“Wankers”

 (folks, tell me how you really feel though…)

“Someone trying to sell me something”

“People who get freebies on Insta”

“Desperate bids for attention”

“Someone who is famous on social media for doing very little” 

YIKES. I had almost 100 replies – 20% of them pointing towards the diplomatic, thoughtful meaning of the word and 80% of them with a pretty negative view of what this term now seems to represent in society.

 And so, I want to talk about that. I want to open up the conversation of ‘influence’ and share a little bit of my own thoughts around it, what it means for women and see if maybe we can reclaim this word back to its positive potency.

I need to caveat that this isn’t a conversation that is intended to shame anyone. That’s never my goal – shame never really produces any change, only mistrust and fear. And it’s not a conversation about whether doing sponsored or gifted content on social media is bad or good. I am super proud of being able to use my own platforms to share about brands that I believe in – that I know contribute to the good in the world. This conversation for me is about reminding myself and the women I know and love that our influence is important and worth our intentionality.

What’s interesting to me is that when it comes to this online ‘influencer’ culture, it is mostly women who are drawn in. Of course, there are men who also have large followings and engage with campaigns and ads, but by and large the influencer marketing world is a female-powered machine (women as influencers and consumers of influencer content) and lately I’ve been wondering if there are undertones of patriarchal control that contribute to it being this way...

Bear with me.

Recently I have been deep diving into the history of women’s rights and the suffrage movement and am so moved by how relentlessly women fought for a seat at the table, for their voices to be considered worthy in society. They broke rules (and windows), were imprisoned and lost pretty much everything they had to see that women coming behind them would have more autonomy, more ability to be their truest selves. When I think about the here and now, and the rise of women wanting grow followings, become influencers and be noticed by brands, I wonder if we still have some heavy mindset shifting to do around this long history of women not being seen and heard and the patriarchal hangovers that we are maybe unknowingly tethered to.

Maybe some of us are still stuck in the belief that we must clamber to be noticed, or seek the approval of others to be deemed valuable or to belong. After all, It’s only been 100 years – just two generations - since women were able to even vote on what kind of society they’d like to live in – that mindset can take a while to run out.

Maybe some of us believe that the only way for women to make money AND be caregivers is to sell other peoples’ stuff on our social media platforms. Maybe the patriarchal hangover here is that we still feel nervous about not having enough money of our own or we haven’t taken control of our own finances and think that this will do. Maybe the fact that we still aren’t getting paid equal to our male counterparts makes us feel like this outlet gives us at least some power. Maybe it’s because we are only just beginning to see a rise in women holding positions of power or women making sustainable incomes from their own ideas. Maybe because selling our own ideas, products and innovative thinking still feels icky and we’d rather hide behind someone else’s stuff even if we don’t fully believe in them.

Maybe some of us are still telling ourselves that there is some sort of holy grail of validation that will come when we have X amount of followers or Y amount of attention. Maybe we are just afraid to act like we are free at all because to be free to be who you really are is scary and vulnerable and sometimes it feels safer to not even imagine the possibility.

What I would love for us all to know, my friends, is that we are emancipated. We are more free than we have ever been to contribute to the world on our own terms and the table is long and wide and extendable so we can all fit in. All of us.

What I’d love for us to know is that our ideas, our dreams, our creativity and desires are important and worth exploring and sharing. In fact, we desperately need your amazing ideas, your innovative thinking, your empathy, your fierceness, your opinions, your entrepreneurial prowess. We need it because there are problems to solve here on this planet and you might have the answers. Yes, you.

We need it because the way things have been going isn’t really working out too well for humanity and we don’t have time for you to hide your brilliance behind ads and consumerism and the false belief that likes and follows is what makes your life influential. We need to hear the thoughts and ideas of how women are going to make the world better, more tolerant, more creative, more resilient, more beautiful.

I know that you have desires for your life and for the world that you haven’t even admitted to yourself yet because you’re scared - but we need them. We need women that are awake to their truest selves, their deepest desires. Truth be told, I’m not sure I really know anyone whose deepest desire is to share ads for Babybel on their Instagram and believe it to be a meaningful contribution.

“But MEL!” I hear you say. “What if being an ‘influencer’ allows me to stay at home with my kids and that’s what I want to do”?

To that I say – amazing. Being a mother is one of the hardest roles I’ve ever taken on – it is no easy option and the internet has opened up a wonderful community of support for mothers to feel less alone. Brands and PR companies know how much time mothers spend on the internet sharing so I understand that the lure to earn money this way is real. But please, for your own sake, don’t let it be something you hide behind. Don’t put off throwing your own hat in the ring and continue to invest more of your precious time on other peoples ideas than the ones buried deep in your own soul. Don’t believe the lie that this is the only thing you can do to make money or be influential.

Finally, we need to reclaim influence so we can have conversations with our daughters and the young women in our lives about what matters because they need to see our bravery too. They need to know that their dreams and desires and ideas and voices matter as well. They need something to aspire to that has weight to it, that brings light to dark places in the world. I want to be able to tell my daughter about the amazing women in my life that are doing things that light up their souls. I want to have endless amount of role models to point my daughter to and say – “Look what she did! You can do amazing things too!”. I want to be able to divert her attention from the influence of perceived perfection, the numbers game, the popularity contest and endless consumerism and show her a world of women propelling each other forward with their big dreams and big hearts for goodness to reign in the world. I want to be able to hand over to her a legacy of women that are relentless in their pursuit of purpose and passion.

And so we need to continue to reclaim influence; to amplify the voices of women who are putting their bravest selves into the world with their own ideas and voices – to champion their influence. Let’s shine a torch on the important ways that women are shaping the now and changing the future and channel our energy into something that lasts longer than a current trend could ever offer.

We need to do that because we need to be able to see and to show what is possible – how our influence can have impact. We need to support women who are courageous enough to put their heads and ideas above the parapet because when they get brave it should give us license to as well. Seeing someone in their stride should set us alight and fuel us to do the same – not cripple us with comparison or envy. We have work to do ladies: fears to manage, ideas to explore, problems to solve, dreams to make space for, legacies to shape and there is so much more room here for your influence than you can ever imagine.

Creativity & Caring About the World - Can We Do Both?

While we were away on holidays I got to listen to some podcasts.  Having a baby that feeds 2 hourly through the night will give you that kind of time. I was really excited to see that Liz Gilbert had started Season Two of the Magic Lessons podcast - you may remember me talking about how it blew my mind last year here.  This season includes more of the same - readers give Liz their creative dilemma, she (and some of her expert friends) pep talk them through it and help them unpack and move ahead in their creative pursuits.  It's a really valuable listen, at least it has been for me.  I caught up with the first episode in this series and it really struck a chord - I'll explain why in a bit.

You may know that most of my working life has been spent tackling issues of injustice and exclusion:  various roles have seen me bringing diverse cultures together in contentious communities, raising awareness of human trafficking and exploitation, supporting homeless women, finding diversionary activities for young people that society has written off, making sure people get the right coffee in the right sized cup in speedy time.  OK, so that drive-thru Tim Horton's job in High School might not have been a strategic career move towards humanitarian work, but I did get to make people happy by giving them donuts, so yeah.  Small things are important too.

That's me up there giving all the serious chat at an anti-slavery exhibition.  Serious Mel.  MBE Mel.  Down with all the terrible things in the world Mel.

Anyway, you can see that much of my life gravitates to the big issues; to playing a small part in changing things from the front line and I count it a huge privilege to do what I do - I freaking LOVE my job.  I grew up in a house full of compassion and was exposed to lots of ways we could help others so it is pretty natural for me to end up here where I am, doing what I do.

Being on the front line of any kind of work like this can be consuming - it can make you serious and heavy hearted and feisty and strong.  It can also make you question just about everything, picking things apart, digging deep to find the roots of the problems; wanting to desperately scratch away all the red tape and distortions and misconceptions in order to see problems and issues for what they really are so you can begin to properly help.  It can be exhausting.

This is me.  And yet - this is not all of me.  There is also a part of me that craves frivolous creativity - and that's where things get interesting.  It's the part of me that loves mid-century interiors, fashion and whittling away the last moments of the day by the light of pinterest on my phone in bed; the part of me that loves music and singing and harmonising around the piano til the wee hours of the morning; that buys too many ceramic mugs because they speak to me from the depths of stinky charity shops; that loves to set a table all pretty, to make recipes that will nourish and comfort, to find the perfect light for a picture, to source the perfect fig scented candle, to hoard magazines and stationary just because they are beautiful to look at, to swoon over tiles and colour combinations and textures of fabrics.  All of these things are part of me too.  And so I struggled.

Up there, that's frivolous creative Mel.  Getting the right shot for a nice instagram pic Mel.  Pinterest Mel.  Beautiful stationary Mel.

For quite some time, and even sometimes still, I struggle to marry these two areas of my life.  Surely someone so serious about the darkest issues facing humanity cannot also care about beni ourain rugs?  Surely you can not get excited about setting a beautiful table for dinner and also be tuned into the turmoil of millions of our fellow humans being sold, displaced or exploited?  Surely the matters concerning the world right now are more important, more pertinent than any frivolity mentioned above?

This has been an on-going battle for me - coming to terms with my own creativity and allowing it to unashamedly be part of who I am.  Does everything I do or put out there in the world have to lead to something meaningful?  I know I'm not alone in this because I have talked to others in the same position - people who work on the front line of some of the most difficult issues, afraid to move in a creative realm for fear of losing their credibility or edge.  Afraid to tether themselves to anything too lighthearted in case it is mistaken for being shallow.  Interestingly, some of the most creative people I know are people who spend their day jobs dealing with the dark stuff of the world.  I wonder if there's not something more to be said about that?

What I have learned and am continuing to learn is this:  creativity - whether it is writing or drawing, photography or dance - will not be controlled.  It does not like to be bottled or treated like the enemy.  In fact, the more I lean into this tension in my life, the more I realise is that creativity is actually the ally of life on the front line.  It is not only the pressure release valve, but a middle finger up to all of the mess in the world.  Being true to your own creativity amidst a chaotic world is a beautiful, honest, necessary thing.  Itis not a scramble to erase the dark stuff, but an opportunity to drown it out by adding to the beauty. And oh, how the world needs us to add more beauty.  

In the first episode of this season of Magic Lessons, Liz talks to Jo - a woman who from a really young age wanted to be a comedy writer - she wanted to make people laugh.  Somehow, Jo ended up doing a PhD in Holocaust Studies and became a feminist campaigner! Hilariously ironically the opposite of a comedic author.  It was so refreshing to listen in to their conversation as Jo explained how she had stifled this desire and how eventually, the stress and strain of her heavy work led to her being physically ill and hospitalised.  By denying her creativity, not allowing that part of her make-up to also shine, her own body was objecting.  How incredible.  Liz gently talked her through this process of how she needs to allow herself to be creative - not to push it down as frivolous but to see it as a gift to a hurting world.  I just love that.

I am finding my own way through this tension, saying yes to creative ventures, acknowledging that part of who I am.  I don't worry so much about how that part of me comes across anymore because I know that it's healthy.  I love that creativity and caring for the world don't have to be mutually exclusive ways of life.  They merge and blend and contribute to the fullness of a world that is desperate for both truth and beauty, for help and inspiration.

Maybe this is you too?  It would be great to hear what you think about this.  Are you being true to all the areas of your life that make you come alive?  How do you give yourself permission to be creative and light in a world that is heavy and dark?

This Is What a Feminist Looks Like - Men

Ah, the F-word.  What does it mean to you?  Does it make you angry, give you hope, make you want to roll your eyes?  Do you imagine suffragettes, heroes or just 'pushy' women?  Do you feel it's important, find it irritating or see it's seemingly never-ending need.  When the word 'feminism' is uttered, it conjures a strong reaction. I unashamedly consider myself a feminist.  There are not many people that know me that would question that or not know.  I am a feminist because I believe in equality, not in any gender powering over the other and until those scales of power and place and value are balanced, I will continue to call myself a feminist and be interested in and challenge why that balance is taking so long to come. (Phew, that could have gotten preachy...)

I'm raising a son to understand issues of equality early on, to challenge norms and think differently about limiting gender roles.  I'm also married to a man who is very tuned in to equality, to making sure that we are balanced in our roles at home and in family life but I'm not sure how many men really and truly would go as far as to calling themselves 'feminists' (except this guy.  And this guy.  Ok and this guy).  Maybe the label has been tarnished by an aggressive militant wing (aren't all labels tarnished by aggressive militant wings?), or maybe the term itself is on it's way out; maybe the language we have used around equality and gender doesn't fit anymore.

I'm not sure, but I thought it would be really interesting to hear from some men who do identify as 'feminists', so I have interviewed several great men, asking them 5 questions about their take on it all, why they chose to identify with the term and what it all means to them.

First up is my friend Lee.  Lee and I have lots of mutual friends and have 'known' each other for a long time even though we've only met a handful.  Lee and his amazing wife Emmah live in Liverpool and Lee (originally from here in NI) has his own business as a tour manager for musicians and various artists.  I also think Lee looks like a young Kevin Spacey.

Lee, tell everyone a bit about yourself - what you do, where you’re from etc.  

My name is Lee Mitchell, I am from Bangor in Northern Ireland and I play guitar…(that was the translation of part of my GCSE German Oral exam). I work in the music industry as a Tour Manager for various people. This means I have bursts of travelling then bursts of being at home which brings it’s own unique challenges and rewards!

Why do you consider yourself a feminist?  How did this come about?  Why are you not afraid of the term like most men (and a lot of women) seem to be?

I am a great believer in equality, in any shape or form. I believe in equal human rights and that all humans have the potential to be anything they want and achieve anything they want. Mostly our job as other humans is to not purposefully get in the way and if we can, help others fulfill their potential.

I’m not sure when I ‘branded’ myself a feminist I suppose… My wife is a ferocious believer in women’s rights, an off-shoot of her natural character to stand up for justice so I think with our conversations and as we have built our lives together its been more at the forefront of my mind. More things have been pointed out to me that maybe before I wouldn’t have consciously thought about.

I don’t see anything to fear when using the term 'feminist'. For me it’s simply anyone who believes women should have the same human rights as men. A no-brainer. The issue we have is that over the years there has been a perception that feminism means ‘man bashing’ which puts people off. It’s an unfortunate stance that is to the detriment of feminism and in my opinion, against the core values of it.

That's a huge point and really important to make clear.  So, what do you think are some of the biggest issues connected to gender inequality in the world today?

I think you could probably find issues in every aspect of life. The pay gap (around 10% less for women compared to their peers) and discrimination in the work place is a big one. The fact that in the top FTSE 100 companies, only 17% of board members are women is crazy. The thought and attitude that women either don’t deserve equal pay to their peers or don’t have the ability to reach the top of the ladder is obscene. You just can’t use the ‘time off work to have kids’ line as an excuse anymore.

Luckily I work in an industry that is full of women who are at the top of their game. Whether it’s in artist management, touring crew, artists themselves, promoters etc there are lots of amazing women in the music industry who are incredible.

In my opinion one of the most damaging things to women’s rights and values is the mainstream medias obsession with how women look and what they wear. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ and they have nailed making women compare themselves to one another. Until we as society start looking at women as more than what they wear, and more as who they are then we will constantly be fighting the battle for equality. It is up to us as men to ignore the media telling us how to view women as nothing more than an accessory in our lives. To start encouraging our wives, girlfriends, friends and daughters to fulfil their potential as human beings without the bullshit of worrying about fitting into a dress so they look good in a selfie. There is enough in life to worry about for both men and women without us adding to it.

Looking to the future, I also know that due to the nature of my job I will spend periods of time at home looking after our children. I don’t want that to be seen by society as ‘babysitting’. “Oh did daddy dress you today?” type questions make me very cross. If I want to dress my daughter in a sparkly silver blouse with a cowboy hat then I will. It doesn’t make me less of a parent.

I also think there’s a big danger in trying to fit children into gender boxes. If a boy wants to wear a dress during play then great, if a girl wants to play soldier then equally great. Who decided that blue was for boys and pink was for girls anyway?

Music to my ears!  Who are some of the women in your life or in society/history that you find fascinating or inspiring, and why?

My wife is a source of constant inspiration and encouragement. She is fierce when it comes to women being treated unfairly for no other reason than their gender. God help the man who tries to fit her in a box or tell her she can’t do anything because she’s a woman. It’s in her very blood and I’m grateful to her for never letting me think of people as less than they are. Thankfully, as a Primary School teacher she has chosen a profession that allows her to reach as high as she wants if the government don’t ruin education before she gets there. But that’s another rant for another time.

How do you think men can connect more to the feminist movement or in promoting equality?

I’m fairly sure the answer to this falls under the simple ‘don’t be an idiot’ category. It doesn’t mean as a business owner you start hiring only women in for the sake of it - that's not the point. It’s just about treating female job applicants the same as male applicants; go for the most qualified or suited for the job. It does, however, mean having a look at how you interact with and think about the females in your life.  Do you value their opinions as equal or do you perceive them as less than you?

What are some of the ways that you find yourself living out feminist values in your every day?  How does this look in your life?

I spend a lot of time off tour doing things that may be percieved traditionally as a woman's role. I do the dishes, I clean the house, cook dinner etc and I have no problem telling people that.  Other than what I've explained above, the biggest thing is having a mindset that is tuned in to equality and treating women fairly.

Ah Lee, it's so refreshing to hear such honest and empowering thoughts.  Thank you for standing with us and for us.

So tell me (male and female amongst us), what are your experiences or thoughts on feminism?  Do you find it intimidating, would you consider yourself one?  I'd love to hear!