FINDING THE TRUE SELF CARE THAT FEEDS YOUR CORE

Self care is really having a moment right now, isn’t it?

There are more anxieties and pressures in the world now more than ever and with the uncertainty of the last year to add into the mix, understandably we need to make time for ourselves now more than ever.

We all have so many responsibilities, people, causes and things vying for our attention, so it’s only good and right that we take a moment and think about how we might intentionally care for ourselves.

However what worries me about this is that often, particularly for women, self care becomes a ‘nice to have’ rather than a ‘necessity to take care of ourselves’, as for women it often becomes just an extra line on our list of things to do:

- Reply to that email – TICK

- Get groceries – TICK

- Check in on that friend that seemed off – TICK

- Set a reminder to register kids for xyz – TICK

- Book a call with the accountant – TICK

- TAKE CARE OF SELF – ummmmm….Ok?

And that last item just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list, to tomorrow, to next week, to half term and on and on. It’s never a priority we allow ourselves.

But I really think we’ve got it wrong when we view self care in this same task-driven way that we see other compartments of our lives. What this ends up doing is making self care another thing to feel pressured to do, to accomplish, to attain and yet we don’t put it at the top of the list because often as women, we don’t allow ourselves to put ourselves first.

It also then means, because we are human and are already stretched, we end up trying to look for shortcuts, hacks or tips to try and quickly dip our toes in, partially attempt it or even more worryingly – we commodify it as something that can be purchased. 

This is one of my concerns about self care and the way that it’s perceived. It’s become another sneaky capitalist-skewed way of operating that we have to buy into and consequently we think that’s the only way to take care of ourselves. This only depletes us more and actually heaps even more shame on us if we ‘don’t get around to the self care thing this week’. 

And we all know what happens when shame enters the room, right? We shrink. We feel immobilised.

Rather than the self care we think we have to buy into, I’m interested in a more nuanced conversation about what it really means to care for ourselves. And even beyond that, what does it really mean for us to care for ourselves and each other in meaningful, restorative ways?

Because caring for ourselves as a concept might not be as helpful as it sounds or as helpful as we’re all led to believe it is. It really puts so much pressure on us to be able to do that and to do it right, when the reality is that we need each other in order to feel nourished just as much as we need ourselves. This is a human instinct and to deny that moves us away from our biological, innate essence.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s brilliant book - ‘Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle’ – they say this:

“No one is “complete” without other people—and we mean this literally. To be complete without social connection is to be nourished without food. It doesn’t happen. We get hungry. We get lonely. We must feed ourselves or die. We don’t mean you “need a man” or any kind of romantic partner. We mean you need connection in any or all of its varied forms. And it is also true that the lifelong development of autonomy is as innate to human nature as the drive to connect. We need both connection and autonomy. That’s not a contradiction. Humans are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again.”

 So what we need is this more generous, supportive and rich way to understand self care and this comes in two parts:

1) Community care. This community aspect is realising that we need each other. We need to intentionally connect with our community and allow ourselves to be helped and cared for as well as doing that for others. We do this through deep honest friendships, surrounding ourselves with those who nourish us and whom we can nourish in return.

The second part comes in:

2) The Self aspect. And we think we already know this one, but I think we need to look deeper than just candles and Netflix (although I have no doubt that these are often an indulgence and escape that we need sometimes too!) But what if instead of looking for ways to escape our life so we can feel cared for, we look deeper at the ways in which we really find fulfilment to nurture ourselves? 

What if we choose to reflect on the experiences and moments in our life where we have felt in flow, in our element or when we have felt like we are living our purpose, then we dilute and dissect what elements of those experiences brought us to life and use this as our starting point. 

When we really pinpoint those moments that make us feel full up and alive, often things come up like: ‘when I’m able to create without pressure,’ or ‘When I’m bringing people together for a purpose,’ or ‘when I get to experience novelty or be spontaneous’. These things are our core experiences and they are telling us something about ourselves and what our bodies, minds and souls need to feel cared for and nourished.

Once you’ve identified these core experiences that nourish us then self care becomes less about fitting those things in that we feel we ‘have to do’ but more about seeing how we might be able to integrate these core parts of what we need into an aspect of it in our already full lives. It becomes less about a to-do list and more about a deep connection to our core nutrients, an awareness of what we need to look after our souls and really fee in our flow and like our true selves.

It’s only when we see these two aspects, community care and your core nutrients weaving together that we see self care become intentional. Once we have this understanding, the self-care conversation can become much more whole – so we look at not just where we need that community connection but also what our full self needs in order to feel fulfilled and in flow.

Here are a couple of things to consider as you incorporate self care into your lives:

- Where are you accessing community right now? Where are the spaces where you feel connected and cared for in community? Where do you have the opportunity to do this for others as well?

- What are the experiences in your past where you have felt most alive or fulfilled? What were the elements of that experience that really nourished you? 

- Make a list, and then have a look at where you can integrate those things into your life now. Not as another thing to do but as a way to allow yourself to be creative at caring for yourself in a deeper more meaningful and sustainable way.

ASSEMBLY WINTER GATHERING

This time last week we were excitedly shoving pallets of beer out of the way, sweeping floors and filling carafes of water. We were hanging festoon lights (not me, I left that to the experts) and arranging bunches of fresh herbs at place settings. We were setting the stage for another Assembly Gathering.

After our very first magical gathering in the Autumn the fear started to set in about how I would ever be able to host another event that would be as special and intimate as it was.  The first one is always special isn't it? Because it's new and a bit raw and fumbly and honest. The first time round I invited creative women that I knew or that I had built up a relationship with online because it was a pilot - a test I gave myself - to see if the idea was worth it to other people and so it felt safer to invite people I knew rather than to open it up to everyone. I didn't want to lose that honesty and intimacy the second time around. Isn't it funny how the things you worry most about end up being the most beautiful part of something?...

So I flung the doors open this time - welcoming anyone who felt like they needed some creative community in their life to come along. No creative criteria needed to qualify you to be there - just a 'come as you are' call-out. I had so many messages from people saying how they wanted to come but didn't feel 'creative' enough. They were reassured that they didn't need to be 'professional' creatives to come - just a knowing in the bones that creativity was important to them. And so they did. 40 of us in fact - almost double the last gathering.

The scene of our evening together was Boundary Brewery Tap Room - a small, bright industrial unit in an old trade centre in the heart of East Belfast. Boundary is a cooperative brewery, owned by 1100 shareholders (of which we are one) and run by Matthew, Michael and a bunch of other passionate dreamers. We are big fans of what Boundary are doing - pursuing their passion, creating, experimenting, collaborating, and putting Northern Ireland on the map for amazing craft beer. It seemed like the perfect place to bring people together again. And so we did.

After our very first magical gathering in the Autumn the fear started to set in about how I would ever be able to host another event that would be as special and intimate as it was.  The first one is always special isn't it? Because it's new and a bit raw and fumbly and honest. The first time round I invited creative women that I knew or that I had built up a relationship with online because it was a pilot - a test I gave myself - to see if the idea was worth it to other people and so it felt safer to invite people I knew rather than to open it up to everyone. I didn't want to lose that honesty and intimacy the second time around. Isn't it funny how the things you worry most about end up being the most beautiful part of something?...

So I flung the doors open this time - welcoming anyone who felt like they needed some creative community in their life to come along. No creative criteria needed to qualify you to be there - just a 'come as you are' call-out. I had so many messages from people saying how they wanted to come but didn't feel 'creative' enough. They were reassured that they didn't need to be 'professional' creatives to come - just a knowing in the bones that creativity was important to them. And so they did. 40 of us in fact - almost double the last gathering.

The scene of our evening together was Boundary Brewery Tap Room - a small, bright industrial unit in an old trade centre in the heart of East Belfast. Boundary is a cooperative brewery, owned by 1100 shareholders (of which we are one) and run by Matthew, Michael and a bunch of other passionate dreamers. We are big fans of what Boundary are doing - pursuing their passion, creating, experimenting, collaborating, and putting Northern Ireland on the map for amazing craft beer. It seemed like the perfect place to bring people together again. And so we did.

As you can see I was joined by the most incredible team again. Grace Campbell from Grace & Saviour turned a lads-pad brewery into an earthy, charming, feminine haven. I'm so grateful for Grace's eye for detail and work ethic - she is a pleasure. See how she transformed the space...

Right? Clever girl. 

As people nervously arrived (and - full disclosure - I was putting make up on in my car - the glamour), we mingled, chatted and eventually split into two groups to flex our creative muscles. One group circled around the temporary bar to listen to Sheena (Matthew's wife, beer connoisseur and all-around beautiful person) tell the story of Boundary and talk through beer tasting etiquette - including the right way to pour, the brewing process, flavours and glassware importance. Who knew?! Even the most adamant, reluctant non beer-drinkers were swayed around by the beautifully citrusy Boundary ales. Combo that with some incredible crudites and wild garlic dip to keep our bellies from rumbling and it was hea-ven.

The other workshop brought Christine from Colour & Cloth in to show us how to naturally dye fabric using basic kitchen and foraged ingredients. We got to huddle around bubbling pots of blackberries, tea, tumeric and onion skins and watch Christine as she manipulated fabric around elastic bands and clothes pegs and dipped it in the pots of natural dye to create the most incredible patterns. Christine is a natural teacher and a talented maker (she worked on the costumes for Game of Thrones!) and I would highly recommend going along to any of her workshops. We were then each given a beautiful piece of natural silk to make our own mark on and take home as a scarf. It was such a good leveller to be able to chat as we went about folding and pegging our scarves, submerging them into the various dyes and hanging them all around the brewery to dry.

Once we had all sampled and tasted and dyed we were ready to sit down and feast. And feast we did. Sarah from Little Pink Kitchen put on the most incredible menu for us. We started with probably the best soup I have ever had - some kind of indian spiced parsnip and apple mouth party, with a little onion bahji on top. Then onto a plate full of mango chicken and paneer skewers, chopped seedy salads, coconut, sweet potato and pomegranate rice, dips to die for and a tangy blood orange cake for dessert.  So much yum. Sarah bossed it and everyone was raving about the flavours in the food - even the vegans! 

I don't remember what we're laughing about here but I was probably telling Sarah that she is a bonkers genius for making and delivering 40 lunches, going to OX for lunch herself and then making dinner for 40 people in THE ONE DAY. BY HERSELF. 

I'm just so gushingly grateful for all the incredible women who came out and braved their own self-doubt and nerves (not to mention our other gal pal, Storm Doris!) to be together. Not wanting to force conversation, but to gently encourage discussion directed towards our mutual love of creativity, I had laid out some quotes and questions on the table that could be talked about together. I loved stopping through dinner to look around and listen to all the buzz of conversation and connection as quotes were hashed out and questions were raised. It was so fun to see people meeting for the first time in real life - artists meeting customers and stockists of their work, designers meeting photographers, others wearing accessories designed by someone else in the room, not to mention so many moments of "Oh! You're ________! I've been dying to meet you! I love your work!"  This is what Assembly is all about. The connecting, the championing.

I'm already looking forward to planning for our Spring gathering - ideas are swirling! I really hope that if you have wanted to be a part of Assembly that you know that you can and you should- there is no hierarchy of creativity here. 

If you are interested in sponsoring Assembly Gatherings or would be interested in leading one of our workshops, please do get in touch - I would love to hear how we can work together.

Here's to making the time, honouring our creative sides and being part of a community in bloom.

* All of the photography you see here is from the insanely talented Grace from Adam & Grace Photography. We are so grateful for how beautifully she has captured the evening. *

8 Things You Should Care About

I don't often talk about my work on here.  I reckon most people know what I do and keep up with our social media outlets for information but this week feels significant.  This Friday, October 18th marks EU Anti-trafficking Day. I work in this field, around this issue every single day.  There isn't a day in my life that goes by now without some sort of conversation about slavery and exploitation - so most days feel like anti-trafficking days to me.  However, I know that the issue of modern day slavery can sometime seem so overwhelming to someone not so engrossed or familiar.  The statistics are suffocating:

21 million people in forced labour in the world today. That's about the same as the population of the whole of Australia.

Every country in the world is effected by this crime.  Source countries, destination countries, internal trafficking.

Sexual exploitation.  Forced labour.  Domestic servitude.  Forced crime.

80% of victims are women and girls.

I could go on and on and on.

But how do we connect to it all?  How do we make sense of numbers and figures in order to not be paralysed by the scale of the problem?

My job requires me to do just that.  To think about how every day people can engage in this issue, find what they can offer and put it to use.  Big ways and small - it all matters.

So I've been thinking about some of the ways you might not know that you can care about human trafficking that really make a difference.  You don't need to be on the front line giving inspiring speeches, debating policy and campaigning.

Over the next 2 posts, I'm going to share 8 important issues that are connected to human trafficking.

If you are wondering how to connect - here are four things you can start caring about today:

-  Education

“I think of it often and imagine the scene clearly. Even if they come to kill me, I will tell them what they are trying to do is wrong, that education is our basic right.”  – Malala Yousafzai

Malala is quite right.  The right to education is something we should all be passionate about.  Informed and empowered young people around the world is what we need.  With education, certainly comes power.  The power to understand, to make good choices, to have opportunities that can quash the vulnerabilities that oppressors and traffickers prey upon.

Whether you live in Belfast or Bangladesh - protecting and promoting education must be a priority.   Do you thank the teachers at your children's school?  The Times reported in September that "Currently the only official guidance teachers have to talk about sex and relationships to pupils was last updated in 2000, some 13 years ago, and does not mention internet porn, sexting or social media." - I'll get to the issue of sexualisation as a big contributing factor in this issue tomorrow - but if you think it's important that we educate young people about this stuff rather than let Channel 4 do it, you can add your voice to The Times campaign with a few clicks on the keyboard here.

-  Getting to know your neighbour

I blogged about this before here and for AskWhatNow - seeing what goes on in your neighbourhood, investing and connecting to your local community can be life-changing.  For you and for others.  Livability UK states that '5 million people aged over 60 say they now consider the television to be their only source of company'.  This statistic is just an example of how disconnected we actually are to each other, in an age where we are technologically able to be connected the most.   This message is so simple, but less practiced in our society than ever before.  If trafficking exists in our housing developments and estates - how will you spot it if you don't know who you live around?  How can you create a culture of 'looking out for each other' where you rest your head?

-  Social Inclusion

Similar to getting to know your neighbour - how intentionally inclusive are you?  Human trafficking thrives in places where people are isolated and hidden.   My co-workers at CIP are a shining example of social inclusion for the migrant & ethnic minority communities here in our area.  I have been moved to tears seeing and hearing the stories of how lonely people far from home have been welcomed, educated and befriended by the programmes CIP runs.  Are there people in your town that are hidden?  That don't know how to access support, friendship and care?  Find somewhere to volunteer.  This matters.

-  Job Security

At the end of the day, if we can't get job security and employment rights sorted here within a democratic society, what hope is there for people in countries with more corrupt governments?  Exploitation is exploitation.  We can dress it up but it still smells the same.  Take zero hour contracts for example.

The BBC explains: 'Zero-hours contracts, or casual contracts, allow employers to hire staff with no guarantee of work.  They mean employees only work as and when they are needed by employers, often at short notice, and are only paid for the hours they work.  Some zero-hours contracts oblige workers to take the shifts they are offered, others do not.  Sick pay is often not included, though holiday pay should be, in line with working time regulations.'

With the increase of zero-hours work contracts (up to 1 million people in the UK) in the job market, there is a real weakness in the system leaving people with very little security, financially fragile which can often lead to vulnerability.  Some workers have disclosed the impact such uncertainty has had on their mental health - noting breakdowns and depression.  Big companies like Sports Direct, Pub chain JD Wetherspoons and Cineworld have up to 80% of their staff on zero-hours contracts.

This murky underworld has also seeped into academia and exposed the levels of discrimination that go along within it.   According to research carried out by UCU nationally, 'permanent contracts are most likely to be awarded to University and College teachers 'who's face fits within the existing culture of an institution' while female lecturers, black staff, lesbian and gay workers are disproportionally likely to be employed on 0 hour contracts.'

All of this is connected to how we value each other and what we contribute to society - a core theme in the issue of exploitation and trafficking.  Does your employer use these contracts?  Are you promoting equality and fairness in your job in all areas?

*steps gracefully off the soapbox*

Have a think over these four issues.  Make the connections to your own life, views, decisions.  Is there something here you can do differently/better/new?

I'll be back tomorrow with four more issues to stir the pot...

Don't Believe The Hype

Yesterday our wee country had a visit from the POTUS.  I love using POTUS, it makes me nostalgic for The West Wing.  I really miss The West Wing.

As I was driving to do a Freedom Acts school session, I flicked on the radio to listen into the broadcast of the event at the Waterfront Hall where a packed auditorium of students, young people and dignitaries were waiting on baited breath the arrival of the Obamas (and their entourage, obvs).  People being interviewed were saying stuff like 'This is a life-changing day for our country' and 'This will put Northern Ireland on the map'.  

Huge. Massive. Eyeroll.

I guess it's easy to understand the draw though - American Presidents are iconic.  They're a little bit like fictional characters to us here in the UK; like they don't really exist outside of TV - and on TV they're always the hero, so getting to see and hear one speak in your home country must have been pretty exciting.

In all the pomp and circumstance (and insanely OTT police presence) a couple of things brought me and my easily-lured-by-the-glamour-of-it-all personality back to reality.  

My husband got word last week that there was a ticket available for him to go to hear Obama at the Waterfront.  Without thinking twice about it, he turned it down.  We talked about it and he made it clear that all the adulation and fuss didn't sit comfortably with him.  You see, my Dave isn't easily swooned like me.  He'd rather sit in a room and have a guinness with Joe Mahon from 'Lesser Spotted Ulster' than listen to Obama.  Maybe it's because he knows someone like Joe Mahon really loves our wee country and has a lot more invested in this beautiful land than an American President.  

Then yesterday in the midst of the hype, my mate Rick tweeted this:  'Ok so I thought what Mr Obama had to say was fantastic. And needed. But do we pay any attention when ordinary people share the same message?'

Nail. On. Head.

What do you think it is about our culture that needs to hear empowering words from someone like Obama in order to feel inspired.  I mean, I'm not naive enough to not understand it.  I guess it just got me thinking about that topsy turvy idea that unless something is said by someone with weight behind them, that has a significant platform or some sort of wide recognition we're unlikely to really listen. 

A couple of years ago I wrote a song - the lyrics came back to me with extra meaning in light of yesterday:

Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light

And blessed are the hungry that are starving to do right

Blessed is the mystery when the truth is out of sight

Insecure and beautiful underneath

Blessed are the complex for not settling

And blessed are the sacrifices, lives of offering

Blessed are the lost, it’s for only them I sing

Insecure and beautiful underneath

Twisted are the values that this world reveals  

 The trophies and the honour seeming wasted

Fruitless deeds make everything appear to me so clear

Credit where it’s due, the unremembered things you do

Will one day find reward, just see it through.

Blessed are the generous that have not much

And blessed are the tactile in a world that’s lost its touch

Blessed are the honest who can’t put a price on trust

Insecure and beautiful underneath

Blessed are the workers that can’t see reward

And blessed are the gentle in the face of such discord

Blessed are the humble when their voices are ignored

Insecure and beautiful underneath

I hope that we can become less fickle.  I hope that we are keeping our ears and eyes open to the people quietly and faithfully going about their business to make our country and our communities more hopeful, more beautiful, more inspiring and more united.  The youth workers, the community workers, the shop-keepers, the civil servants, teachers and volunteers;  these are the people who are invested in our communities and our country and will be there doing their bit, day in and day out, long after the cavalcade has left town.