YOU CANNOT FIGHT YOUR FEAR

Have you ever been in that position where you feel like you’re standing on the brink of change? Maybe you’ve been thinking about a change, or you’ve got an idea you’re toying with or something that you really want to say or do but the fear of jumping in and going for it is holding you back.

Maybe you’ve dipped your toe in the water of something new and fear has got you frozen, unable to move past the point of a toe dip and you’re ready to run back to safer shores. 

If this sounds a bit like you and those feelings and thoughts are fear and swirling around, the fear of what could go wrong feels overwhelming, but I want you to know that those feelings are completely normal and understandable. I want us to acknowledge those feelings and use this little dose of bravery to help you move forward and take the jump.

I’m a mother to two kids and like most kids, they give me the run around at bedtime. My youngest is 5 and she especially loves the bedtime shenanigans. She is such a happy, chilled little girl until it comes to going to bed and as soon as it’s time for lights out, it starts. For the last five years, we have stayed with her while she’s falling asleep, now we’ve been trying to transition out of that because she’s five now and bedtime ends up taking forever!

We all end up cramped in her single bed as she gets overtired. But still when it’s time for lights out and whoever is putting her to bed to leave the room, she starts. She gets really scared and starts tells me all kinds of reasons why it’s not bedtime in an attempt to keep me in the room. The thing about this process is, she is completely capable of falling asleep by herself, she’s just afraid because it’s new.

And new things are scary.

The dark is scary (even when the lights are on!) But fear isn’t interested in what’s real when it shows up for us in our own lives. Fear exists to keep us safe and it will tell us anything to keep us in our comfort zone and the ‘known’.

Doing things that are outside of our comfort zone are hard to get used to and our brains tend to try and alert us and warn us off to help us avoid the risks of the unknown. 

For the first few times we tried this new bedtime routine it was really frustrating. Whoever was putting her to bed would get annoyed at how long the excuses and the faffing about went on for, then it would end up getting heated. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who can relate to this!

But this process made me realised that when it comes to fear it's actually counterintuitive to try and fight it. Fear is a human, innate instinct and when we try to bypass fear and think that we can fight it, argue with it, or force it into place, that's always going to be a lost cause. 

Fear is unpredictable and erratic. So for my daughter, getting annoyed at her fear only prolongs the fear and escalates the situation more.

When we are moving towards something new, it often involves making ourselves vulnerable, and even it’s something really exciting for you, fear is still at the ready. How fear shows up in our brain is by mentally throwing anything and everything it can think of to make us retreat away from this unknown territory of expansion and vulnerability into safety again. That’s why every thought we have in fear is often about failing, making a fool of ourselves or thinking of everything that could go wrong.

This is why fear is usually chaotic and unlikely to make a whole lot of sense, even though what we might be hearing in our head sounds ‘realistic’ or ‘reasonable’, it’s easier to accept that fear is right than to accept we need to push through this fear and these chaotic thoughts to succeed in taking the first step outside of the known.

So when those chaotic and overwhelming thoughts are dominating, what our fear often needs to hear is compassion and some good old reliable information. It needs tending to like a child kicking off at bedtime. It needs understanding, soothing and calming to counteract the chaos that it brings to our systems. 

As a parent, this means digging deep at the most tired part of the day when all you want to do is crash out on the sofa with an episode of something. And for anyone feeling fear about those things you want to do or want to explore, it means digging deep to find that understanding and compassion for ourselves when all of our instincts are telling us to run and simultaneously shaming ourselves for not having it together, or not being braver.

All we want is for our fear to go away and let us get on with the things we want to do. All I wanted was for my daughter to get there faster with the bedtime routine but she needs me to remain calm and not enter the chaos with her. To reassure her and be that rational voice to counteract the voice of fear. I can’t be the one to put gasoline on the fire of her fears by getting annoyed, instead I need to smother her fears with my love and patience. Hard as it is.

And you know what, after a few nights of digging deep, remaining calm and reassuring her, things are much calmer at bedtime. My reassurance has kept her calm and shown her that she can do it, that it’s safe and that we’re here to respond if she really does need us. It takes some evidence building to proof to herself and her fear that she’s capable of it for it to feel less scary. And it works the same way for us. 

So when you are thinking about or planning for the next thing you need to be brave about and you feel that rise of fear, know that you have it in you to dig deep, show yourself compassion and acknowledge your fear for what it is. 

Your body and brain are trying to protect you from the unknown and unfamiliar. By acknowledging that you can let your fear know that you are grateful for its protection and that you’d like to proceed. You can show it the evidence that you’re ready, that the thoughts of failure are not rational but fear’s safety net which you appreciate and need to move on from. 

You can give your fear a stroke on the proverbial head and reassure it that you can take it from here.

What Are We So Afraid Of?

You can see it pretty much everywhere you look if you look closely enough.  It's there, glaring out at you behind most things.  It's a tiny little four lettered word that has enough power behind it to cripple even the most resilient of us all. Fear.

Most of my surface fears are easy to describe:

-  Flocks of birds flying towards me (there was an incident with bird seed at trafalgar square when I was a child that brought this on...ask my mother)

-  Large groupings of small circular bumps or holes (I swear, it's a thing - Tryophobia *shudder*)

-  That the stuff that goes on in Homeland is actually true in real life (Sarin gas leaked into Capital cities?  I'll never sleep again)

-  Falling down the stairs while carrying Levi (I have this visual in my head every. time. I go down the stairs with him in my arms)

Some of our fears are less easy to describe, though - and they lurk beneath the surface of our brave exterior, showing up in places and situations we might not expect.  Our actions and reactions reveal a lot about our fears.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

When we look in magazines or in celebrity gossip columns - our inner voice tells us we don't look like that, have enough of that or are having as much fun as that - that's the voice of FEAR and it holds the power to make us feel inadequate instead of the TRUTH that it's all just smoke and mirrors.

When we see racially isolating, sensational or inflammatory social media posts or articles - Muslims are out to kill us all, more guns is the answer, it's us against them - those posts are driven by FEAR, the world has gone nuts and we badly want to control the narrative and we demonise a whole entire religion instead of the TRUTH that there is more good in the world than there is evil and that violence begets violence.

It's there in relationships that are difficult, where there is back-biting, jealousy, power-playing - FEAR makes us withdraw, be defensive or attack instead of seeing each other as flawed humans that are all just trying to figure things out.

It's there in our overspending and consumption, when we see what everyone else is wearing or having and we break our necks to keep up appearances - it's our FEAR that runs ahead and cripples our finances to make sure we're not left behind instead of getting out of the rat race and enjoying the simple things.

It's there in Churches when heads are buried about important topics that are changing the face of our culture like LGTB issues, climate change, peacemaking, consumerism, racism and addiction - it's FEAR that refuses to face up and keeps the Church looking like a Sunday club for safe-talking holy joes instead of a place of acceptance and of strong leadership on justice issues.

It's there in parenting when we react poorly to our kids - it's our FEAR that rises up and causes us to resort to threats and punishments to try and enforce good behaviour instead of listening and being patient and modelling gentleness.

It's there in the smaller more subtle things too - so many of our decisions are based on our fears and it would seem that if we dig a little deeper we're all just walking around a bit scared of life, aren't we?

I've been thinking about how different it would be if only we could really hear the fear instead of how we see the fear manifested in these often unhealthy ways.  If we could hear the fear, it would say:

"I'm worried that I'm not enough"

"I'm worried that I'm not safe in my country"

"I'm scared that if we talk about difficult things in our Church we'll be ridiculed or seen as wishy-washy"

"I scared that I'm missing out on all the fun"

"I'm worried that if I give other people a platform, I'll become redundant"

"I'm not sure that my life is exciting enough"

"I'm worried about losing my religious freedom"

"I'm worried that if I give this person too much of myself they'll hurt me"

"I don't want people to think I can't handle being a parent"

"I'm afraid that if I can't do this that I'll lose attention from the people I want to respect me"

That all sounds a lot more human doesn't it?  Who wouldn't hold empathy if someone stood in front of them and confessed these things?  Who could turn someone away that told such naked truths?  And yet, every day we chose to let our fears have power.

You see, it's not that fear is bad - I think it's inevitable.  I think a certain dose of it is healthy and normal but when fear manifests itself in ways that aren't healthy it can lead to destruction, broken relationships and a lot of collateral damage along the way.

It's scary to be human, to be vulnerable and open, isn't it?  I'm challenged by how fear manifests itself in my own life, and how I can find the courage to be more vulnerable with my trusted people.

I think that truth-telling pierces holes in dark places.  When our difficult truths are exposed to the safe people in our own lives, the dark stuff (like our fears) have less control over us.  We can begin to face up to them and find healthier ways to manage.  I know this to be true.

I also know that when we begin to see how fear manifests itself in others we can hold back our judgement a little easier; cut each other some slack; carve out a road for vulnerability and invite those people to join us.

What are your thoughts on fear?  Are there ways that fear has been manifesting itself in your own life that have been unhealthy for you?  How can we live less afraid and give each other more permission to tell the truth? I'd love to hear what you think about this... let's continue the conversation in the comments or on my facebook page.