This Is What a Feminist Looks Like - Men

Ah, the F-word.  What does it mean to you?  Does it make you angry, give you hope, make you want to roll your eyes?  Do you imagine suffragettes, heroes or just 'pushy' women?  Do you feel it's important, find it irritating or see it's seemingly never-ending need.  When the word 'feminism' is uttered, it conjures a strong reaction. I unashamedly consider myself a feminist.  There are not many people that know me that would question that or not know.  I am a feminist because I believe in equality, not in any gender powering over the other and until those scales of power and place and value are balanced, I will continue to call myself a feminist and be interested in and challenge why that balance is taking so long to come. (Phew, that could have gotten preachy...)

I'm raising a son to understand issues of equality early on, to challenge norms and think differently about limiting gender roles.  I'm also married to a man who is very tuned in to equality, to making sure that we are balanced in our roles at home and in family life but I'm not sure how many men really and truly would go as far as to calling themselves 'feminists' (except this guy.  And this guy.  Ok and this guy).  Maybe the label has been tarnished by an aggressive militant wing (aren't all labels tarnished by aggressive militant wings?), or maybe the term itself is on it's way out; maybe the language we have used around equality and gender doesn't fit anymore.

I'm not sure, but I thought it would be really interesting to hear from some men who do identify as 'feminists', so I have interviewed several great men, asking them 5 questions about their take on it all, why they chose to identify with the term and what it all means to them.

First up is my friend Lee.  Lee and I have lots of mutual friends and have 'known' each other for a long time even though we've only met a handful.  Lee and his amazing wife Emmah live in Liverpool and Lee (originally from here in NI) has his own business as a tour manager for musicians and various artists.  I also think Lee looks like a young Kevin Spacey.

Lee, tell everyone a bit about yourself - what you do, where you’re from etc.  

My name is Lee Mitchell, I am from Bangor in Northern Ireland and I play guitar…(that was the translation of part of my GCSE German Oral exam). I work in the music industry as a Tour Manager for various people. This means I have bursts of travelling then bursts of being at home which brings it’s own unique challenges and rewards!

Why do you consider yourself a feminist?  How did this come about?  Why are you not afraid of the term like most men (and a lot of women) seem to be?

I am a great believer in equality, in any shape or form. I believe in equal human rights and that all humans have the potential to be anything they want and achieve anything they want. Mostly our job as other humans is to not purposefully get in the way and if we can, help others fulfill their potential.

I’m not sure when I ‘branded’ myself a feminist I suppose… My wife is a ferocious believer in women’s rights, an off-shoot of her natural character to stand up for justice so I think with our conversations and as we have built our lives together its been more at the forefront of my mind. More things have been pointed out to me that maybe before I wouldn’t have consciously thought about.

I don’t see anything to fear when using the term 'feminist'. For me it’s simply anyone who believes women should have the same human rights as men. A no-brainer. The issue we have is that over the years there has been a perception that feminism means ‘man bashing’ which puts people off. It’s an unfortunate stance that is to the detriment of feminism and in my opinion, against the core values of it.

That's a huge point and really important to make clear.  So, what do you think are some of the biggest issues connected to gender inequality in the world today?

I think you could probably find issues in every aspect of life. The pay gap (around 10% less for women compared to their peers) and discrimination in the work place is a big one. The fact that in the top FTSE 100 companies, only 17% of board members are women is crazy. The thought and attitude that women either don’t deserve equal pay to their peers or don’t have the ability to reach the top of the ladder is obscene. You just can’t use the ‘time off work to have kids’ line as an excuse anymore.

Luckily I work in an industry that is full of women who are at the top of their game. Whether it’s in artist management, touring crew, artists themselves, promoters etc there are lots of amazing women in the music industry who are incredible.

In my opinion one of the most damaging things to women’s rights and values is the mainstream medias obsession with how women look and what they wear. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ and they have nailed making women compare themselves to one another. Until we as society start looking at women as more than what they wear, and more as who they are then we will constantly be fighting the battle for equality. It is up to us as men to ignore the media telling us how to view women as nothing more than an accessory in our lives. To start encouraging our wives, girlfriends, friends and daughters to fulfil their potential as human beings without the bullshit of worrying about fitting into a dress so they look good in a selfie. There is enough in life to worry about for both men and women without us adding to it.

Looking to the future, I also know that due to the nature of my job I will spend periods of time at home looking after our children. I don’t want that to be seen by society as ‘babysitting’. “Oh did daddy dress you today?” type questions make me very cross. If I want to dress my daughter in a sparkly silver blouse with a cowboy hat then I will. It doesn’t make me less of a parent.

I also think there’s a big danger in trying to fit children into gender boxes. If a boy wants to wear a dress during play then great, if a girl wants to play soldier then equally great. Who decided that blue was for boys and pink was for girls anyway?

Music to my ears!  Who are some of the women in your life or in society/history that you find fascinating or inspiring, and why?

My wife is a source of constant inspiration and encouragement. She is fierce when it comes to women being treated unfairly for no other reason than their gender. God help the man who tries to fit her in a box or tell her she can’t do anything because she’s a woman. It’s in her very blood and I’m grateful to her for never letting me think of people as less than they are. Thankfully, as a Primary School teacher she has chosen a profession that allows her to reach as high as she wants if the government don’t ruin education before she gets there. But that’s another rant for another time.

How do you think men can connect more to the feminist movement or in promoting equality?

I’m fairly sure the answer to this falls under the simple ‘don’t be an idiot’ category. It doesn’t mean as a business owner you start hiring only women in for the sake of it - that's not the point. It’s just about treating female job applicants the same as male applicants; go for the most qualified or suited for the job. It does, however, mean having a look at how you interact with and think about the females in your life.  Do you value their opinions as equal or do you perceive them as less than you?

What are some of the ways that you find yourself living out feminist values in your every day?  How does this look in your life?

I spend a lot of time off tour doing things that may be percieved traditionally as a woman's role. I do the dishes, I clean the house, cook dinner etc and I have no problem telling people that.  Other than what I've explained above, the biggest thing is having a mindset that is tuned in to equality and treating women fairly.

Ah Lee, it's so refreshing to hear such honest and empowering thoughts.  Thank you for standing with us and for us.

So tell me (male and female amongst us), what are your experiences or thoughts on feminism?  Do you find it intimidating, would you consider yourself one?  I'd love to hear!

The Waiting...

Phone calls, facetimes, texts, what's apps, facebook messages, tweets. Bumping (literally) into people on the school run, at the shop...

"not long now..."

"you still here?!" - why yes - because I'm having a baby, not emigrating.

People are kind.  They care.  I am so grateful for it all.  I'm sorry I'm not getting to reply/answer/respond all the time.

The waiting for this baby, in all honesty, has been agony.  I am so very desperate to begin this new chapter of our family life.  I've been pregnant for 526356 weeks.  I feel like I have felt all the normal things already; mourned the changes to our party of three, reconciled the tough newborn days/weeks/months ahead, given thought to the impending 'new normal' and given space in my heart and my head to welcome this baby without fear.  

Levi was born at 37.5 weeks.  8lbs 2oz of beautiful, sworthy, baby boy.  I remember going to bed that night after my waters broke and having a silent little cry in the dark as I curled into Dave's warm back thinking that this was the end of an era in our married life.  This was the last night in our little house, just us.  Things would never be the same again; our two was imminently becoming a three.  And now we sit here on the cusp on this next transition, and although those feelings are familiar, they are more processed - there has been more time to give to them than the first time around.  We are so much more ready.

"Are you overdue?" - I mean, I guess - if you base a baby's readiness to enter the world on mathematics alone.  My heart says "forget the due dates - it will come when it's good and ready".  My body says "that's quite enough now".

Every day I wake up, hyper-aware of my body.  Each movement inside (enough? too much?), each change, each symptom, each "sign".  My fingers, hot to the touch of a screen googling anything and everything.  Relax, they say.  Enjoy these last days.  I cried over my sausages, potatoes and beans tonight.  Just because.

The desire to control and to know can be overwhelming.  It's funny how you can feel so ready, so poised and so prepared yet so vulnerable at the same time.

A few friends directed me to this article in Mothering magazine on the last days of pregnancy - this time of waiting, or 'Zwischen' as the Germans call it - 'an in-between' time.  The article calls for a reverence of this time - that it is hugely spiritual - a now and not yet, thin place.  I feel this so very deeply right now and want to be able to rest here until the zwischen is over and this baby can be brought safely into our home and our lives.

Sukhi - Supporting Women Artisans!

I'm officially declaring this The Week of the Woman!  You heard it here first.  It seems only fitting - On Saturday Aly and I launched #motherhoodalive on instagram (holy moly, you guys are amazing - I am LOVING being part of this little community on there already), then it was Mother's Day, then it was International Women's Day, and in the midst of all of this, we are over halfway through the annual campaign of Fairtrade Fortnight, which although isn't specifically arranged to champion women, it is rooted in the same values that ensure the equal and fair treatment of some of the most vulnerable in the world - a vast majority of whom are female - so it's all connected, you see? The Week of the Woman - has a ring to it, no?

In light of this, I want to draw your eyes to a beautiful company I've been getting to know lately - Sukhi.  In Nepali, Sukhi means 'happy' and when you read about how much importance this company puts on making both the customer and the artisans that make their products happy and well cared for you will see that it's a good fit for a name!  Sukhi specialises in unique and beautifully hand crafted rugs - let me tell you more...

All of the rugs that you see on the site are made in country (Nepal, India, Morocco, Turkey) by local makers, mostly women.  What I've loved hearing about is the dignity the work gives - each maker gets paid 2 or 3x the local rate of pay in safe conditions and by buying the rugs directly with Sukhi, all the middle men and retailers are cut out so the customer gets a fairer price too.

The whole process of making their signature felt ball rugs is mesmerising and involves such incredible artistry.  I love that it's made with natural materials and dyes and you can really tell the pride of the makers by the quality you recieve. Watch this video to see what I mean...

I chose one of the traditional felt ball rugs in a marbled grey to go in our bedroom.  You can literally chose any colour, pattern and size for whatever you are after (fully customisable) but I wanted something soft and neutral to give a bit of warmth to our bare wooden floors.

The detail that goes into making these is so mind-boggling - approximately 5000 felt balls to make up one rug!  Bonkers.  Such craftsmanship and patience!

The texture of the rug is really soft on your feet - Levi is especially a fan! Anyone that's been in our bedroom since we got the rug has commented on how stunning it is - not that there are hoards of people all up in our bedroom, but you know!

What's also beautiful is that you get a little tag with your rug that lets you know the name of the woman who made it and if you go to the website, you can even send her a little message to thank her and share how much you love the rug!  It's little extra personal touches like this that bring us closer to the people who make our stuff - it's so important we remember and I can't help but want to support companies like Sukhi for endeavouring to shrink the gap between the maker and the customer.

I'm going to be supporting Sukhi on my sidebar this year - so if you are in the market for a new rug for anywhere in your home, make sure you click over and check out the variety they have knowing that you are directly supporting some amazingly talented women around the world when you do!

Thanks to Sukhi for sending us this rug to review - I love to support and spotlight companies that are in keeping with my values & ethics so all thoughts and words are genuinely my own. 

International Women's Day 2016

GAH - I just love International Women's Day. I love that we get to mark a day in the calendar to reflect on where we have been as women, look at what is still necessary for all women in the world to flourish and resolve to do more, be more, expect more in the years to come.

My workplace celebrated 10 years of marking IWD this year - a tradition started by my beautiful colleagues who run the Women's World Programme when the charity was just in it's infancy.  Even though I'm already on maternity leave, I wouldn't have missed it so I waddled down to spend the morning with over 100 women from dozens of nationalities who have somehow made their home here in our area.

That's me in the middle, caught in the act of gabbing away to my midwife friend about birth preferences and refusing unnecessary vaginal examinations...as you do.

But these women I spent the morning with.  These women are fierce.  They work, they contribute, they volunteer, they nurture, they resolve to thrive amidst the obvious and the silent challenges that living as an 'outsider' in an already polarised community brings.  Diversity is still a dirty word here.  We ate, we laughed, and we wept as we heard stories of these incredible women in our community who have overcome the most difficult things this year:  cancer, isolation, depression.  A grandmother now the primary care provider for her 3 grandchildren left behind after her daughter died tragically.  A mother who, only a couple of weeks after moving to Northern Ireland was attending English lessons when her two year old accidentally got caught in a blind cord at home and later passed away.

These women and their families have been extended the hand of welcome and friendship; of opportunity to painfully overcome with the support of our dedicated and compassionate teams at work, of generous local churches and of the kindness of individuals.  Such bravery.  It was a privilege to be there to honour them.

These WOMEN.  Their STORIES.  What COURAGE.

My friend Sharon reminds me that the small things are often the big things.

This years IWD theme is on 'pledging parity' - helping to move more quickly the divides and divisions that see and treat women as less than equal to men in so many facets of society.  When I see the audacity, tenderness and bravery of the women I have just mentioned, I am stirred up by the potential for women to continue to change the world because they already are.  They are standing in the gap, they are showing up and they are making things happen.  Their bravery, the sharing and acknowledgement of their stories is part of that pledge, it is bridging that divide.

For me, this pledge starts at home - in conversations with my four year old boy, as we model and discuss the value and abilities of women and girls. Through toys and stories and colours and conversations we are gently showing him - both Dave and I.

It continues in our marriage - in working things out together, being a team, having equal say in all decisions, modelling that there is no boss in our family but that we all mutually try to put each other first, championing each other's successes and dreams - dancing the dance of making sure everyones needs are met (this, the very heart of #motherhoodalive).

It then bleeds out into work, hobbies, friendships, how the communities around me are being built: everything to make sure that the voices, the stories, the plights and the successes of women are seen and heard in our homes, our communities and around the world.

So tell me, how can you pledge for parity in your family?  What ways are you seeing women championed that stirs you up?  What would you love to see changed for women in your own community and how can we do it together?  I'd love to hear from you!  I'm also linking up with Lulastic's IWD Blog Link Up, so if you want to read more from some awesome kick-ass women writers, do make sure to head over there for a good round up!