What's your Method of Hiding? Part 1: Perfectionism

As I was preparing and planning for what I wanted to cover in this next season of 2022, I started thinking about some of the common things that are keeping us from building courage and being brave.

Through my work coaching women running businesses I’ve had a pretty good front row seat to all of the sneaky ways that I see fear showing up and keeping us from sharing our work, our ideas and our thoughts.

So I thought it would be a good time to dig into some of these common methods of hiding that maybe you can identify with. Some of them are pretty obvious, but today I want to start with one that I know all too well – it’s one of my most common methods of hiding that I use to protect me from vulnerability and it’s also a really sneaky one for women (I’ll explain in a bit) and that, my friends, is perfectionism.

I know are women listening to this podcast who have important messages to share but whose self-doubt and fear is keeping them quiet or hidden. I know there are women listening to this podcast who think maybe think that perfectionism doesn’t relate to them. 

I know that so many of us are caught up in the myth that we needs to be more something – more qualified, more prepared, more expert, more influential, more polished – than we are in order to share our ideas or work or to try and develop something that we really want to....

SO BEFORE WE TALK SPECIFICALLY ABOUT PERFECTIONISM AS A METHOD OF HIDING, LET’S GET INTO A LITTLE BIT OF BACKGROUND.

In historical patriarchal culture, down through the centuries: women have been excluded from political, public, and professional life. We have not (and continue to not be) considered in legislation/voting, policies, pay discrepancies, lack of legal protections, and the denial of women’s basic rights.

All of these external exclusions through the years has absolutely had internal effects in women. It has shaped how we think of ourselves and what we see as possible for our lives and work. It shaped our fears – fears of speaking up, of rocking the boat, of not pleasing others because often our livelihoods and safety actually did depend on us being small and quiet and keeping the status quo.

One of the mechanisms of actual protection for us has been hiding; whether we recognise it or not. We have hidden ourselves, our ideas, our talents for survival instincts. To avoid conflict, or criticism or any kind of emotional exposure that might cost us, we have hidden.

The result is we people-please, use language that is softer to avoid being singled out and essentially we have not felt fully free to take action in our own lives. The cost of doing this is really high.

So along with some of the more obvious ways we continue to hide in that hangover of exclusion and desire for safety, I want to also address some of the more evolved ways that we are hiding, the ones that don’t necessarily risk our physical safety any more, but that absolutely do risk our emotional safety.

I want to try to expose some of the ways that we might not realise we are hiding so we can start to think a little bit about how that is manifesting in our own lives so we can begin to come out of hiding and live a bit more freely and fully.

Perfectionism is the sneakiest of these – because on the surface, it actually shows up as productive. And productivity feels proactive. But often that acute sense of overcorrecting, overplanning, over editing, over attentive work is actually keeping us from letting our ideas or products or services out there into the wild to be seen, noticed and to breathe.

Adding on, overcomplicating and endless polishing perfecting can really be avoidance. Instead of putting something out there that is good enough; maybe it’s a website that we think needs all the bells and whistles. Maybe it’s a product we are making that we think needs professional photography before we share about it. Maybe it’s a business idea we think we need 3 offerings within before we launch it to people.

We can build as we go, start somewhere and take a small leap that can propel you into action. Beginning is better than perfect. Perfect never comes so we need to start somewhere and keep having a learning attitude, an evolving attitude to whatever it is we are doing.

Brene Brown talks about perfectionism being a 20 ton shield we lug around trying to protect us when in fact it’s really preventing us from being seen.

Perfectionism is an guise we often use to guard ourselves from all angles – covering all of the bases extra extra carefully by busying ourselves over minutiae, spending endless time agonising over how things look or sound and trying to combat any potential criticism before it comes.

It also leads us into a vicious cycle of shame, because it is positioned as a noble quality, something to strive for when actually it’s not only impossible to achieve, but if we fixate on it and inevitably find that no matter how much effort we put in, we are met with any kind of criticism or judgement, we tell ourselves it’s because it wasn’t perfect enough – and so the cycle of shame starts to swirl around. “I could have done more, made it better etc”

When really, the logic of perfectionism is actually the thing that is faulty and not one single person who is out there, doing the work, sharing their ideas is actually immune from criticism or judgement – no matter what the level of perfectionism they think might protect them.

What we can do instead of hiding by way of perfectionism is try to do our best. What we can do is be proud of how we show up for ourselves and our idea, despite any flaws that might appear or any judgement that may follow.

What we can do is put down the armour of perfectionism and allow our ideas to be seen and heard so that we can learn about them and go through the unavoidable process of our ideas becoming, rather than hoping they come out perfect the first time out the gate.

When it comes down to it, trying and having a go is really self-supportive and offers you compassion and curiosity. Perfectionism is centred around others and what they think, how they might respond and really takes you out of the equation of the thing you are working on – which isn’t a supportive or sustainable way to approach things.

Within all of this, I want you to know that it’s so understandable that we want to hide in this way. Risking being seen or judged is so viscerally scary, and our body knows it. So if you’re listening to this and thinking “this is me” please don’t double down into shame – but let it be a call to freedom for you to know that perfect isn’t really going to protect you and that you are more resilient than you realise.

And ultimately know that your hiding is a huge loss for the rest of the world - that so many incredible ideas/thoughts/wisdom/talents are not being seen, not heard, not shared because we are hiding or fixated on perfection as a form of protection.

When amazing women hide their ideas, thoughts, creations then the world misses out on expressions of goodness, of insight, of beauty, of honesty, of empathy and innovation. And we need you – we need your imperfect thoughts, ideas and creations to be out there in the world so we can find them and so you can enjoy the fulfilment of creating something of your own that feels important and true.

THE MYTH OF AFFORDABILITY

Today I want to talk about pricing.

If we were all in a room and I asked how many of you struggle with pricing in your business, I imagine a whole sea of hands would go up in front of me.

Pricing our work, our services or products is super tricky.

It’s safe to say that so much of the struggle to price what we do or offer comes down to our feelings. OUR BIG BIG FEELINGS! The emotion that we are attaching to money and prices and other peoples perception and our worthiness etc.

Our feelings tend to come first when we think about how to price: What does setting this price mean about me? Can I deliver on this price? Will I be good enough to live up to that price? Who am I to ask for this?

What I want to suggest is not that we leave our feelings at the door when it comes to pricing, because we know that a) it’s not possible and b) we want to include our humanity, our empathy and care in our business in lots of ways.

What I want to suggest is maybe that we need to tackle some of the particular mindset stuff that comes up that can sometimes be clouded by our feelings. So today I want to start with the idea of pricing to be affordable.

I want you to imagine that every time I say the word affordable that you can see me doing air quotes, ok?

I know that many of you want to be inclusive in your business, and that desire to show kindness and inclusion has you thinking about how to price your work or aspects of your work to be affordable.

AFFORDABILITY IS A MYTH:

• We all have our own view of affordability that may or may not be relevant to anyone else at all. What you deem expensive may cause someone else not to blink an eyelid. What you find cheap may be expensive for someone else. Trying to cater for everyone is going to tie us up in knots. There are people who will think that your work is really cheap and some who will think its expensive and NOTHING of those thoughts actually has any bearing on the true value of your work!

Let me say that again!

• We can care a whole lot, be super empathic and kind and also not agonise over catering to everyone and that be OK. It does not change your goodness and kindness.

• What is imperative is that we do not leave ourselves out of the affordability equation. What kind of price do YOU need to charge so that you can continue working in your business in a sustainable way? What price makes this right for you and your business or income?

• Ask yourself this: Can your customers/clients afford to lose your impact, your service, your products or your voice in their lives if you price things lower in the name of ‘affordability’ and end up with a business you can’t sustain?

• You are allowed to raise your prices so you can afford to build a sustainable business that works for you.

Why is it important that we price well?

·      So you can offer your best and maintain your integrity in the exchange.

·        Because women need to be more integrated into economic spheres – you getting paid moves us towards that.

·        If you don’t have money coming through your business, there will be no business to enjoy and serve.

·        We need to give people the opportunity to invest in things that will solve their problems and help them. Someone out there really needs and is ready to invest in you and what you have to offer.

 I appreciate you being here – and before I go – can I tell you about my leadership accelerator programme? It’s beginning again in September and I am starting to rally together the women who want to be part of this next group. Over 30 women have been through this 8 month business and leadership development programme with me. Women running their own businesses, women running teams, solo entrepreneurs and freelancers. If you are a female business owner and you want to develop stronger business skills, healthier boundaries, deeper self-trust and have a locked down support system full of wisdom – this is the programme for you. You can send me a message hello@melwiggins.com to get an info pack or check the show notes for the link to grab a free call with me to see if it’s the right fit!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A WOMAN OF INFLUENCE?

 The title of what I want to talk about today is ‘What Does It Mean To Be A Woman Of Influence?’ understanding what influence means at this time in our culture and see how we can understand it and harness it for good in our work, our businesses and lives.

It’s a familiar word right now, right? Influence. Influencer. It’s a hot topic, has actually become a job title for some people, used in linked in profiles and Instagram profiles. According to agency Mediakix, influencer market value on Instagram alone is projected to rise from £2.3bn in 2020 to £12.5. in 2022.

Influencers with over 1 million followers have an engagement rate of 1.21%.

I want to caveat this post by letting you know that this is not a talk about the benefits or dangers of influencer marketing – this is so much bigger than that. There is no shame to be scattered here today. But influence as a concept has got me really curious because I feel like right now at this time in culture, it’s a word that’s skewed and it’s significant that we understand what it means and how we can harness it to do some good in the world. Some good that our world desperately needs.

I’m hoping that what I share here will give us all some insight into what it means to cultivate influence in a way that actually makes a difference - that shifts us away from the idea of influence being about consuming and see it more through the lens of contribution or contributing.

I want us to discover the essence of influence and how it can reveal something true and good about ourselves and the culture we live and operate in.

A few years ago I spent some time interviewing people from all walks of life to find out what influence really means to them; what or who they think about when they consider who or what has been most influential to their lives. And then breaking down what it was about those people or those situations that shaped them.

I distilled all of the information I gathered and what emerged was really fascinating and I want to share with you where it took me.  But before I do –I want you to think of the things or the people that have been most influential to you. The people that have shaped you, left a lasting impact, have shown you something true about yourself. What were the qualities of that person? What made them significant?

For most of us, when we reflect on those influential people, it’s REALLY personal. It’s grandmothers, mentors, parents, teachers and people who have had direct access into our lives. There is a really personal layer to what makes someone influential in our lives. That’s personal influence.

What about social influence. Who are the thinkers, leaders, innovators that are shaping our view of the world and culture? Who are the people in that realm that are showing us something good and true? That’s another layer of influence, social influence.

Both personal and social influences can have an enormous impact on us and right now, as my research developed, there were 3 themes that seemed to be emerging as the most significant attributes of someone who is influential in both of these realms. There are 3 pillars that seem to cross over both the personal and social influence that we find most significant in our lives and I want to share them with you today.

The first one is INTUITION.

People of significant personal and social influence are acutely tuned into their own intuition.

This first pillar of influence came out of responses I got from people like:

-        They had a strong sense of self

-        They seemed to be able to try things and fail and get back up again.

-        They had really deep convictions about things.

-        They stepped outside of the noise and walked their own path.

What seems to be coming up over and over is that people who are personally and socially influential to us are those that are not swayed by the status quo. They are able to access an inner sense of self, of calling, of responsibility and move in that direction.

We live in such a noisy world. There are a million ways that we can be swayed and so many voices that are ready to tell us who we should be and what we should be doing or buying or being. What seems to be significant is that people of personal and social influence are those that can cut through the noise and develop a practice of listening to their own thoughts and ideas, accessing their own wisdom, knowledge and understanding and move through the world with that as their driving force.

INTUITION.

 The second pillar that is coming up is INTEGRITY.

 Responses that came up that have formed this pillar were:

-        They were consistent with me.

-        What you see is what you get with them.

-        They were the same in real life as they are online.

-        They showed up for me when things were hard.

-        They always held on to what they believed in even when other people didn’t care or understand.

What’s coming out of the research is that INTEGRITY is a foundational quality of someone who is personally or socially influential.

It is one thing to have intuition, but the step after actively tuning into our intuition and being assured of our own wisdom is acting on it.

To me, this integrity isn’t about outer platforms – it’s about an inner posture. It isn’t about reach or popularity, it’s about depth and sincerity.

People that influence us in significant ways, in ways that bring out the good and the true things in the world are people of integrity. One of my favourite quotes is by an author turned marketing expert called Donald Miller and he says “what you believe, isn’t what you say you believe. What you believe is what you do”. Let me say that again.

This is integrity. Showing up, even when things are hard, doing the work of being a flawed human, trusting our intuition and our own mind and living out the things we believe in.

 The final third pillar that I can see emerging is IMPACT.

 People of great personal and social influence have a lasting impact. And not only have an impact, but know that their actions and their movements in the world have an impact.

The responses that formed this pillar were things like:

-        She believed in me.

-        They made me feel seen and heard.

-        They called out something in me that I thought I had lost and I was able to see myself in that light again.

-        They put language to the things that I had always thought but didn’t know how to articulate.

-        He shone a light on something that I didn’t know what happening.

-        Their example paved the way for others.

-        They tried this way of doing things and it helped so many people, including me.

IMPACT. Small impacts, enormous impacts, but impact all the same. People of personal and social influence understand that they have the power to have a positive impact on the people and world around them and they take that responsibility seriously. They see the small things that make a big difference. They bring light to the dark places for other people and in the world around us.

We don’t need more popular people. We need more people of influence of THIS kind. We don’t need more people scrambling for space, clambering over each other to be seen. We need more people taking up spaces in the world and harnessing their intuition, integrity and impact. The people who are going to create really lasting, important things in the world will have these three things evident in their life.

And it’s my belief that if we can do the inner work of cultivating our intuition, our integrity and our impact, that our scope to leave the world and the people in it better than we found it is immeasurable.

As always you can reach out to me with any thoughts on IG or email. Feel free to share with your friends or on social media. And ill see you next time.

SHE LOVES HERSELF

I have an almost six year old daughter and she is every bit the typical six year old little girl. She loves singing and dancing and performing for us. There is a lot of ‘mummy watch!’ going on in our living room.

She loves to sit with me when I’m doing my make up and try things on and give herself a wee bit of blusher or lipstick. And I let her, because I know that right now in her little mind, all she is doing is mimicking her mum and trying things out. She doesn’t yet have the loaded views of beauty and societal beauty norms that I have where I am trying to cover certain parts of my face up or improve my looks – she is literally just playing.

And I so badly want things to stay in that playful place for her.

And it’s funny because every so often I am really triggered by my six year olds freedom around herself. Her full acceptance of her body, her face, her personality, her skills.

She moves through the world so unphased, so free. When she receives a compliment she doesn’t batt it away, she welcomes it “I know I am” she says.

It’s almost audacious that you would think otherwise to her.

She expresses her needs when she’s hungry or tired. She asks for what she wants. She refuses to do the things she doesn’t want to do. She wants you to see her and asks that you do. She hopes for your attention.

It’s so wild to me how far removed we become from this version of ourselves as we grow up and become women.

We don’t know how to say what we need. We are scared to. We are afraid to ask for what we want, in case we seem pushy or needy. We do things we don’t want to do because we don’t want to let people down or because we know it will make others happy with us and keep us in the good books.

We step out of the camera lens, we offer to take the picture instead. We share other peoples ideas instead of our own. We recoil at attention even though deep down we want to be seen and known. It’s almost as though as the years roll on we transform from these liberated little girls and become smaller and smaller versions of ourselves.

Sometimes I even find myself (and I consider myself to be a strong feminist with a good nose for bullshit) I find myself cringing that she could be so content with herself, almost wanting to make sure she doesn’t get carried away with it. I have to stop myself from curbing her self-acceptance in a weird way.

At six years old, my daughter really and truly loves herself. I wonder how many can say the same at 36.

I’ve been in enough rooms and conversations to know that ‘she loves herself’ usually isn’t the kind of comment you want to welcome. Because what we’ve heard it said about is usually someone who isn’t playing small.

Usually we say it about someone who shows confidence in themselves, or who shows up for themselves, or who navigates or moves in the world with some sort of self assurance and that rattles us.

So the words that we use to diminish her are: she loves herself.

And I think to myself. What do we really want her to do instead? Hate herself? Ignore herself? Numb herself out to her body and her desires?

I guess when women spend their lives hating themselves, thinking that they are broken or fat or ugly or not gifted, capitalism and patriarchy wins. It wins because we step away from our gifts, not wanting to be seen.

It wins because we spend our time and money trying to fix ourselves, our bodies, our skin and lining the pockets of the already wealthy.

What would it look like if we reframed ‘She loves herself’ and came around that idea in celebration.

What would it look like if we gave other women permission to be as audaciously loving towards themselves as my six year old is? What would it mean if we started using ‘she loves herself’ as something to aim for rather than a phrase to take someone down a peg.

What would it mean for you to decide to love yourself some more. To not swat away compliments. To not fixate on your appearance. To not justify your presence or point out your flaws.

What would it mean for you to stand tall in your giftings, to take up some more space in family conversations or in the workplace. What would it mean for you to be in the picture, to ask for some space, to share your ideas and be seen.

What would it look like for you to reclaim, in your own way, she loves herself.