SHE LOVES HERSELF
I have an almost six year old daughter and she is every bit the typical six year old little girl. She loves singing and dancing and performing for us. There is a lot of ‘mummy watch!’ going on in our living room.
She loves to sit with me when I’m doing my make up and try things on and give herself a wee bit of blusher or lipstick. And I let her, because I know that right now in her little mind, all she is doing is mimicking her mum and trying things out. She doesn’t yet have the loaded views of beauty and societal beauty norms that I have where I am trying to cover certain parts of my face up or improve my looks – she is literally just playing.
And I so badly want things to stay in that playful place for her.
And it’s funny because every so often I am really triggered by my six year olds freedom around herself. Her full acceptance of her body, her face, her personality, her skills.
She moves through the world so unphased, so free. When she receives a compliment she doesn’t batt it away, she welcomes it “I know I am” she says.
It’s almost audacious that you would think otherwise to her.
She expresses her needs when she’s hungry or tired. She asks for what she wants. She refuses to do the things she doesn’t want to do. She wants you to see her and asks that you do. She hopes for your attention.
It’s so wild to me how far removed we become from this version of ourselves as we grow up and become women.
We don’t know how to say what we need. We are scared to. We are afraid to ask for what we want, in case we seem pushy or needy. We do things we don’t want to do because we don’t want to let people down or because we know it will make others happy with us and keep us in the good books.
We step out of the camera lens, we offer to take the picture instead. We share other peoples ideas instead of our own. We recoil at attention even though deep down we want to be seen and known. It’s almost as though as the years roll on we transform from these liberated little girls and become smaller and smaller versions of ourselves.
Sometimes I even find myself (and I consider myself to be a strong feminist with a good nose for bullshit) I find myself cringing that she could be so content with herself, almost wanting to make sure she doesn’t get carried away with it. I have to stop myself from curbing her self-acceptance in a weird way.
At six years old, my daughter really and truly loves herself. I wonder how many can say the same at 36.
I’ve been in enough rooms and conversations to know that ‘she loves herself’ usually isn’t the kind of comment you want to welcome. Because what we’ve heard it said about is usually someone who isn’t playing small.
Usually we say it about someone who shows confidence in themselves, or who shows up for themselves, or who navigates or moves in the world with some sort of self assurance and that rattles us.
So the words that we use to diminish her are: she loves herself.
And I think to myself. What do we really want her to do instead? Hate herself? Ignore herself? Numb herself out to her body and her desires?
I guess when women spend their lives hating themselves, thinking that they are broken or fat or ugly or not gifted, capitalism and patriarchy wins. It wins because we step away from our gifts, not wanting to be seen.
It wins because we spend our time and money trying to fix ourselves, our bodies, our skin and lining the pockets of the already wealthy.
What would it look like if we reframed ‘She loves herself’ and came around that idea in celebration.
What would it look like if we gave other women permission to be as audaciously loving towards themselves as my six year old is? What would it mean if we started using ‘she loves herself’ as something to aim for rather than a phrase to take someone down a peg.
What would it mean for you to decide to love yourself some more. To not swat away compliments. To not fixate on your appearance. To not justify your presence or point out your flaws.
What would it mean for you to stand tall in your giftings, to take up some more space in family conversations or in the workplace. What would it mean for you to be in the picture, to ask for some space, to share your ideas and be seen.
What would it look like for you to reclaim, in your own way, she loves herself.
