What Are We So Afraid Of?

You can see it pretty much everywhere you look if you look closely enough.  It's there, glaring out at you behind most things.  It's a tiny little four lettered word that has enough power behind it to cripple even the most resilient of us all. Fear.

Most of my surface fears are easy to describe:

-  Flocks of birds flying towards me (there was an incident with bird seed at trafalgar square when I was a child that brought this on...ask my mother)

-  Large groupings of small circular bumps or holes (I swear, it's a thing - Tryophobia *shudder*)

-  That the stuff that goes on in Homeland is actually true in real life (Sarin gas leaked into Capital cities?  I'll never sleep again)

-  Falling down the stairs while carrying Levi (I have this visual in my head every. time. I go down the stairs with him in my arms)

Some of our fears are less easy to describe, though - and they lurk beneath the surface of our brave exterior, showing up in places and situations we might not expect.  Our actions and reactions reveal a lot about our fears.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

When we look in magazines or in celebrity gossip columns - our inner voice tells us we don't look like that, have enough of that or are having as much fun as that - that's the voice of FEAR and it holds the power to make us feel inadequate instead of the TRUTH that it's all just smoke and mirrors.

When we see racially isolating, sensational or inflammatory social media posts or articles - Muslims are out to kill us all, more guns is the answer, it's us against them - those posts are driven by FEAR, the world has gone nuts and we badly want to control the narrative and we demonise a whole entire religion instead of the TRUTH that there is more good in the world than there is evil and that violence begets violence.

It's there in relationships that are difficult, where there is back-biting, jealousy, power-playing - FEAR makes us withdraw, be defensive or attack instead of seeing each other as flawed humans that are all just trying to figure things out.

It's there in our overspending and consumption, when we see what everyone else is wearing or having and we break our necks to keep up appearances - it's our FEAR that runs ahead and cripples our finances to make sure we're not left behind instead of getting out of the rat race and enjoying the simple things.

It's there in Churches when heads are buried about important topics that are changing the face of our culture like LGTB issues, climate change, peacemaking, consumerism, racism and addiction - it's FEAR that refuses to face up and keeps the Church looking like a Sunday club for safe-talking holy joes instead of a place of acceptance and of strong leadership on justice issues.

It's there in parenting when we react poorly to our kids - it's our FEAR that rises up and causes us to resort to threats and punishments to try and enforce good behaviour instead of listening and being patient and modelling gentleness.

It's there in the smaller more subtle things too - so many of our decisions are based on our fears and it would seem that if we dig a little deeper we're all just walking around a bit scared of life, aren't we?

I've been thinking about how different it would be if only we could really hear the fear instead of how we see the fear manifested in these often unhealthy ways.  If we could hear the fear, it would say:

"I'm worried that I'm not enough"

"I'm worried that I'm not safe in my country"

"I'm scared that if we talk about difficult things in our Church we'll be ridiculed or seen as wishy-washy"

"I scared that I'm missing out on all the fun"

"I'm worried that if I give other people a platform, I'll become redundant"

"I'm not sure that my life is exciting enough"

"I'm worried about losing my religious freedom"

"I'm worried that if I give this person too much of myself they'll hurt me"

"I don't want people to think I can't handle being a parent"

"I'm afraid that if I can't do this that I'll lose attention from the people I want to respect me"

That all sounds a lot more human doesn't it?  Who wouldn't hold empathy if someone stood in front of them and confessed these things?  Who could turn someone away that told such naked truths?  And yet, every day we chose to let our fears have power.

You see, it's not that fear is bad - I think it's inevitable.  I think a certain dose of it is healthy and normal but when fear manifests itself in ways that aren't healthy it can lead to destruction, broken relationships and a lot of collateral damage along the way.

It's scary to be human, to be vulnerable and open, isn't it?  I'm challenged by how fear manifests itself in my own life, and how I can find the courage to be more vulnerable with my trusted people.

I think that truth-telling pierces holes in dark places.  When our difficult truths are exposed to the safe people in our own lives, the dark stuff (like our fears) have less control over us.  We can begin to face up to them and find healthier ways to manage.  I know this to be true.

I also know that when we begin to see how fear manifests itself in others we can hold back our judgement a little easier; cut each other some slack; carve out a road for vulnerability and invite those people to join us.

What are your thoughts on fear?  Are there ways that fear has been manifesting itself in your own life that have been unhealthy for you?  How can we live less afraid and give each other more permission to tell the truth? I'd love to hear what you think about this... let's continue the conversation in the comments or on my facebook page.

Social Media & the Empathy Deficit

A couple of Saturday's ago we woke up to the news that Paris, the city of love and lights, had been recklessly attacked.  Death tolls were rising by the hour and there was much speculation about who was responsible.  As I trawled through my usual mid-morning updates on the usual social media suspects (Twitter, Insta, Facebook) I followed the hashtags #prayforparis, #parisattacks etc and saw the outpouring of grief, shock and anger laden by so many.  I also saw (on those hashtags) people beginning to upload pictures of themselves in Paris.  Really? I thought. Is now the best time to carefully select your best Paris selfie and stick it up on facebook? Stupidly, I weighed in.

I made a comment on social media about how we should probably be lamenting the tragedy instead of uploading pictures of ourselves in Paris and (quite rightly) got a mixed response.  Some people agreed, some were paranoid that I was having a go at them, and some really disagreed - annoyed that I was policing people's heartfelt reactions.  I tried to clarify, the thread went on, people went back and forth, I had various sideline conversations via private messages etc and eventually just made a decision to delete the entire conversation because I realised this:  social media does not have the capability to hold emotion well.

In this case, the whole thing became unhelpful, and it was my fault for hosting it.  I am not the kind of girl to shy away from hot topics online but more and more lately I have been learning to pick my online battles carefully.  When emotions are charged, they do not translate well on social media.  

When emotions do not translate well, we misunderstand, we calculate what we want to calculate, we react and nobody wins.  Nobody proves their point well, nobody changes their mind about anything and nobody leaves feeling heard or respected.

This incident and related thoughts were compounded by a profound podcast I listened to a week later on Good Life Project - an interview that Jonathan Fields hosts with researcher Sherry Turkle (what a fun name!) on what technology, phones and social media are doing to empathy and the human condition.

It floored me, if I'm being honest.  It made me cry, it made me cringe and it hit me deep in the knower that what she was saying was true. When we live and communicate more and more in a digital world, and place increasingly less value on the art of real-life conversation it has massive detrimental impacts on our well-being.

Some of Sherry's research and insight that stood out to me in particular were:

+  that if we go out for coffee/meals with loved ones and have our phones on in eyeshot, we are less likely to have any depth of conversation with those loved ones than if our phones were out of sight.  The temptation to scratch the itch of phone-checking draws us and distracts us away from deeper connection with the people around us.  OUCH.

+  that texting, PM'ing etc instead of talking and hearing each other's voices is reducing our ability to be empathic because we cannot properly interpret each other's real emotion and our brains disconnect from the REAL person behind the screen.

+  that communication online is reducing our ability to be vulnerable (which further research has shown to be an essential element of being able to live wholeheartedly) because we can so easily control and manipulate what is discovered, known and shown about ourselves.  This vulnerability reduction also connects to empathy reduction because when we control what we put out there, we begin to expect perfection from each other instead of being able to accept and acknowledge each other's natural flaws.

+  that because of constant and instant communication, we are living in and raising a generation that will find it difficult to be secure with solitude, and will therefore have a limited understanding of self.  SCARY.

+  that when we are consumed with online communication rather than in-person communication, we lose the sharpness of collaboration and the spontaneity of creativity and ideas.

+  Turkle says "Technology doesn’t just change what we do, it changes who we are." and claims to not be anti-technology, but PRO-conversation.  I kind of like that.

This information, these studies and this research has massive implications on our wellbeing and our ability to really know, understand and empathise with ourselves and each other.  I was massively challenged by what I heard and what I've since been reading up on about how our further disconnect might actually make us less tolerant and more skeptical of each other.

Some things I am working on putting in place to counteract and try to claim back my own wellbeing around online activity:

+  No phones at the table.  This has been a rule in our house for a while now, but has been taken much more seriously since Dave and I both listened to that podcast and had some honest conversations with each other.  Phones, iPads and laptops have to be out of the room when we sit down to eat as a family.

+  As much as possible, arrange meetings for work to be in person or on skype.  I was really taken aback by the idea that we lose our ability to feed off each other's creativity and insight so drastically when we move away from flesh and blood conversations.  Sure, there are many times when an email convo will suffice for organising and communicating, and SURE, it frees us up time-wise, and SURE sometimes meetings are a drag but for the collaborative work that we do at Freedom Acts that involves heart and soul issues - person to person communication is essential.

+  Similarly - free up more time to talk/skype/facetime with the people we love.  I don't want conversation to feel like a drag.  I don't want to be the person that avoids answering their phone and would rather text because it takes too much of my energy.  I want to re-cultivate the deeper connection that comes with talking to the important people as much as possible.  Even if it is just a stolen few minutes during the day, hearing each other's voices - the nuances, the tones, the emotion, is so much more healthy for our relationships than one dimensional words on a screen.

+  Create distance when necessary.  Unfollow.  Pick battles with wisdom.  Refrain from engaging in conversations that are going nowhere fast (have the hop-topic conversations in person with people you trust - you don't have to agree, but at least you can trust your opinions will land safely).  Do not bite to passive-aggressive online behaviour.  Protect your heart.  I've learned this the hard and painful way but can honestly say it is more than healthy to know when to step back.  Creating distance from toxic online behaviour does not make you cold or frosty, it makes you sensible.

+  Maximise the good.  Utilise the best bits; the community building stuff, the campaigning, the information sharing, the positivity, the thoughtful, the generous.

So I wonder what you think?  Are you, like me, worried about what online communication is doing to the human condition?  Have you thought much about it in this way?  Have a listen to Sherry Turkle's interview and then maybe let's chat some more about it.  In person, preferably of course...

Purpose & Strength

I've had an interesting few weeks of conversations and investment in some personal development.  Usually that term gives me a bit of the shudders - it can sound a bit like navel-gazing - not something I have a lot of time for, but in reality it has been timely and really inspiring. Introspection, reflection & self-examination: not skills that I would say I have mastered, but I know they are important for growth, so I've been trying to get better at them - understanding my make-up a bit better; how I interact, how I learn, how I communicate, what makes me tick & come alive etc.  Pretty important stuff to get to grips with, I reckon.

A few weeks ago I logged into the #blogtacular twitter chat (every Wednesday, 9pm BST - not to be missed!) and the topic for the week was:

"Are you doing the work you want to be known for?"  

It was a pretty significant chat for me and the gals at Blogtacular know how to pose questions that are really thought-provoking.  I love the interaction and encouragement that goes on in those chats - if it were real life we would be walking out the pub door at the end high-fiving each other wildly.

I guess when I thought about responding to that question, I was working out the reality of that not only in a blog context but in a whole-life context.  For me, that's the bottom line.  This old blog here is a creative outlet for me amidst a pretty serious day job (that I love), but it's not a separate part of me - it's an extension of me.  I try to write and engage in things on the blogosphere that align with my whole self.  That means tackling issues that are important to me (I'm not a fashion-blogger, but I think ethical style is real important), tapping into my creative side by making things (I'm not a craft-blogger, but I think making stuff and being creative is life-giving) and trying to capture life for us in a way that is real and honest here in this space (I'm not a mummy-blogger, but I think motherhood is the biggest lesson of my life so I talk about it here).

For me, it's about championing the good, the underdog, the creative and the connections we all share.

If I could be known for that, I'd be happy.  It feels good to be true to yourself in all extensions, right?

Then this week, I had the chance to get some coaching from my friend Abbey - who runs her own coaching company out of the States.  Abbey introduced me to the Gallup Strengthsfinder last year and it has been a bit of a revelation.  I know there are a lot of personality assessments out there and lots of them are really good, but I was really drawn to the 'Strengths' concept because it uses positive psychology to "show people that our greatest potential resides in utilising our innate strengths" rather than using that energy to try and fix the parts of our make up that doesn't measure up.

Abbey was over in NI so I nabbed her for an afternoon of coaching with my work team.  We had all taken the assessment before hand so Abbey worked through our results individually and then brought us together as a team to look at how our strengths can work together - it was really practical, really inspiring and really freeing.

Both of these encounters have left me feeling energised and encouraged that I'm on the right track.  More so, it's given me a renewed vigour and confidence that the things I invest in, personally and professionally are a good fit for me.

I am really glad I've been spending some time on this - and would so encourage you to do the same (start with the Strengthsfinder assessment - trust!).  I think when we know our strongest abilities and find a purpose in life that fits those skills well, we all are on our way to being fully truly alive.

Owning Your Community

Continuing on from my post a while back about getting to know your neighbours, I wanted to get out some of my other thoughts on the importance of investing in your community and especially how OWNING your community can make a difference. I've been a bit of a nomad in life.  Northern Ireland for 17 years, Canada for 8, London for 4.  I've lived in countless houses, flats and dorms with people from all over the world.  It's been transformational, eye-opening and challenging.  When people ask me 'where is home?' I struggle to pick a place.  Obviously my true sense of home is wherever Dave and Levi are now, but so many of my formative years were spent in other places.  So many of my shaping young-adult years were spent from pillar to post - bunking with people who were doing amazing things, showing me hospitality, welcoming me into their families and offering me lots of wisdom to chew on.  I think the longest time I've lived in one place was from when I was born until I was 8.  You can see how easily I might have developed a sense of free-spiritedness, and although that is a strong and valuable part of my make-up, it has also had me often pining for ownership somewhere.

This was my first ever leaving party...heading off to Canada at the age of 8.  N'aawwwww.

And another time we left Northern Ireland to move to Canada...apparently cutting a cake is a right of passage when you emigrate for the second time.   NOTE TO SELF:  Always have a fringe. 

Anyway, almost 3 years ago after Dave and I returned to Northern Ireland from a magical, whimsical year of living it up in London. I knew in my heart that we would be putting our roots down for a while.  We wanted to start this new adventure of parenthood with family supporting us close by (boy am I glad we did).  I think this feeling of being settled had always unsettled me but the imminence of becoming a mother gave me peace and I knew that I needed to start to invest more in the place that I lived.  I understood from all my super important gap year days that living locally had a massive impact on the global but what did it even mean to start walking that talk?  I'd spent so much of my life knowing I'd probably be moving on again soon that I often resisted getting too involved, too connected.  The last few years has been a real lesson in staying put and putting in.

So with that as a backdrop, I am navigating what it means to belong somewhere. It has taken a real shift in thinking and doing and has meant deciding to be a bit more thoughtful about so many of our every day family choices.

The other night my neighbour came round and spent over 3 hours showing me how to crochet.  She has 5 kids, so thankfully she has some sort of deep well of patience built in.  As she corrected my trebles (that's a crochet term that I'm now privvy to you know), she told me about how she's been busy making blankets for Portadown Cares to give out in their Christmas hampers.  In the beginning of JUNE, this lady is thinking about how she can care for her community at CHRISTMAS.  Now THAT'S community ownership.

It means choosing to use your local hairdressers, butchers, coffee shop etc instead of giving your money to bigger, and sometimes fancier companies in bigger towns.  It means championing the good things already happening where you are; sticking up for your towns reputation; seeing potential in it and making sure we're all doing our bit to look after each other.  I feel like it's been even these small decisions that really make me feel more at home where I live.  Again, when you invest - you connect.  And when you connect you make a difference.

Owning my community has also meant that I am protective of it and the people I share it with.  For me, that level of ownership has taken me into the realm of community activism on issues of human trafficking and exploitation.  My friend and I had an inkling that there were people being exploited in our area so we spent some of our spare time meeting with all the local organisations and groups that work with vulnerable people.  We listened to these people; the people that have been investing in these issues longer than had in order to build a picture of what was already available and what was needed in our community to protect people.  And we continue to listen - every month we sit around a table with the Craigavon Human Trafficking Steering Group to listen to these people and learn from them.  All that listening gave us the guts to start Craigavon ACT Group (our voluntary activist group) 3 years ago, and even helped birth Freedom Acts (my job) this time last year.

We don't know ANYTHING until we listen.

I don't pretend to be perfect at this, but I've seen how worthwhile it can be when we connect and invest in where we live.  So I urge you to look around and see something great about your own patch, find something or someone in your community to look after, give your local shops some love and start to talk-up and own where you live.

And in all this be assured that I know that it's hard to connect sometimes but I know even more that it can be life-changing when you do.