Social Media & the Empathy Deficit

A couple of Saturday's ago we woke up to the news that Paris, the city of love and lights, had been recklessly attacked.  Death tolls were rising by the hour and there was much speculation about who was responsible.  As I trawled through my usual mid-morning updates on the usual social media suspects (Twitter, Insta, Facebook) I followed the hashtags #prayforparis, #parisattacks etc and saw the outpouring of grief, shock and anger laden by so many.  I also saw (on those hashtags) people beginning to upload pictures of themselves in Paris.  Really? I thought. Is now the best time to carefully select your best Paris selfie and stick it up on facebook? Stupidly, I weighed in.

I made a comment on social media about how we should probably be lamenting the tragedy instead of uploading pictures of ourselves in Paris and (quite rightly) got a mixed response.  Some people agreed, some were paranoid that I was having a go at them, and some really disagreed - annoyed that I was policing people's heartfelt reactions.  I tried to clarify, the thread went on, people went back and forth, I had various sideline conversations via private messages etc and eventually just made a decision to delete the entire conversation because I realised this:  social media does not have the capability to hold emotion well.

In this case, the whole thing became unhelpful, and it was my fault for hosting it.  I am not the kind of girl to shy away from hot topics online but more and more lately I have been learning to pick my online battles carefully.  When emotions are charged, they do not translate well on social media.  

When emotions do not translate well, we misunderstand, we calculate what we want to calculate, we react and nobody wins.  Nobody proves their point well, nobody changes their mind about anything and nobody leaves feeling heard or respected.

This incident and related thoughts were compounded by a profound podcast I listened to a week later on Good Life Project - an interview that Jonathan Fields hosts with researcher Sherry Turkle (what a fun name!) on what technology, phones and social media are doing to empathy and the human condition.

It floored me, if I'm being honest.  It made me cry, it made me cringe and it hit me deep in the knower that what she was saying was true. When we live and communicate more and more in a digital world, and place increasingly less value on the art of real-life conversation it has massive detrimental impacts on our well-being.

Some of Sherry's research and insight that stood out to me in particular were:

+  that if we go out for coffee/meals with loved ones and have our phones on in eyeshot, we are less likely to have any depth of conversation with those loved ones than if our phones were out of sight.  The temptation to scratch the itch of phone-checking draws us and distracts us away from deeper connection with the people around us.  OUCH.

+  that texting, PM'ing etc instead of talking and hearing each other's voices is reducing our ability to be empathic because we cannot properly interpret each other's real emotion and our brains disconnect from the REAL person behind the screen.

+  that communication online is reducing our ability to be vulnerable (which further research has shown to be an essential element of being able to live wholeheartedly) because we can so easily control and manipulate what is discovered, known and shown about ourselves.  This vulnerability reduction also connects to empathy reduction because when we control what we put out there, we begin to expect perfection from each other instead of being able to accept and acknowledge each other's natural flaws.

+  that because of constant and instant communication, we are living in and raising a generation that will find it difficult to be secure with solitude, and will therefore have a limited understanding of self.  SCARY.

+  that when we are consumed with online communication rather than in-person communication, we lose the sharpness of collaboration and the spontaneity of creativity and ideas.

+  Turkle says "Technology doesn’t just change what we do, it changes who we are." and claims to not be anti-technology, but PRO-conversation.  I kind of like that.

This information, these studies and this research has massive implications on our wellbeing and our ability to really know, understand and empathise with ourselves and each other.  I was massively challenged by what I heard and what I've since been reading up on about how our further disconnect might actually make us less tolerant and more skeptical of each other.

Some things I am working on putting in place to counteract and try to claim back my own wellbeing around online activity:

+  No phones at the table.  This has been a rule in our house for a while now, but has been taken much more seriously since Dave and I both listened to that podcast and had some honest conversations with each other.  Phones, iPads and laptops have to be out of the room when we sit down to eat as a family.

+  As much as possible, arrange meetings for work to be in person or on skype.  I was really taken aback by the idea that we lose our ability to feed off each other's creativity and insight so drastically when we move away from flesh and blood conversations.  Sure, there are many times when an email convo will suffice for organising and communicating, and SURE, it frees us up time-wise, and SURE sometimes meetings are a drag but for the collaborative work that we do at Freedom Acts that involves heart and soul issues - person to person communication is essential.

+  Similarly - free up more time to talk/skype/facetime with the people we love.  I don't want conversation to feel like a drag.  I don't want to be the person that avoids answering their phone and would rather text because it takes too much of my energy.  I want to re-cultivate the deeper connection that comes with talking to the important people as much as possible.  Even if it is just a stolen few minutes during the day, hearing each other's voices - the nuances, the tones, the emotion, is so much more healthy for our relationships than one dimensional words on a screen.

+  Create distance when necessary.  Unfollow.  Pick battles with wisdom.  Refrain from engaging in conversations that are going nowhere fast (have the hop-topic conversations in person with people you trust - you don't have to agree, but at least you can trust your opinions will land safely).  Do not bite to passive-aggressive online behaviour.  Protect your heart.  I've learned this the hard and painful way but can honestly say it is more than healthy to know when to step back.  Creating distance from toxic online behaviour does not make you cold or frosty, it makes you sensible.

+  Maximise the good.  Utilise the best bits; the community building stuff, the campaigning, the information sharing, the positivity, the thoughtful, the generous.

So I wonder what you think?  Are you, like me, worried about what online communication is doing to the human condition?  Have you thought much about it in this way?  Have a listen to Sherry Turkle's interview and then maybe let's chat some more about it.  In person, preferably of course...

Top 6 Tips for an Ethically Mindful Christmas

There's no denying it.  Christmas is in the air. It seems to happen earlier and earlier as each year passes, doesn't it?  Harvest and Halloween pass and boom - before we can dump the rotten pumpkins in the food bin we are drawn right in to the twinkly festivities and the pressure is on.

Some of us (not me) are stealthily organised, buying gifts during the year, storing them away so not to panic when the Christmas music starts to blare through the speakers in the town centre – a serenade to indicate that time is running out and the countdown to Christmas is well and truly on.

Others of us are less prepared – hoping that perfect gift idea will fall on our lap, jump out at us in the shop or more likely on our screens, with more of us opting for the ease of online shopping now than ever before.

It can be an incredibly stressful time, with to-do and to-buy lists as long as your arm. It’s easy to get swept up in the madness of it all, counting it as part of the ‘buzz’ or ‘atmosphere’ but as we begin to join in with the festive lead up, maybe there is a different example we can take that steers us gently away from the hype and the flashing lights. Maybe there is a way more reflective of the Christmas Story we know and love so well that we can tune our ears and hearts to – one of generosity, peace and of justice.

How can we be more mindful of the world around us in a culture that steers us to only think about ourselves?

Christmas and all of the associated Western trappings can have some pretty awful side effects on the World; on people and creation.  The tonnes of waste through non-recyclable wrapping paper, decorations, boxes and gift bags, heaps of unwanted presents, loan sharks preying on the vulnerable and people wracking up huge amounts of debt to keep up appearances. Surely there is a better way to do things?

Choosing to have a more ethical Christmas does not have to take away from the beauty of gift-giving, in fact, it only enhances that beauty. Once we delve deeper into alternative, more ethical options we can see that how we spend our money can add to the beauty of belonging to each other, bringing true ‘Joy to the World’.  Tell me now if you are tired of the Christmas Carol puns.  I could do this for days.

So what does it mean to buy ethically? 

Buying ethically is choosing to be an active consumer, rather than a passive one.

Buying ethically means taking the time to find out who makes our stuff and if it’s made in a way that respects people and the planet.

Buying ethically gives the power back to the consumer and in turn empowers others.

Buying ethically is a statement – another way of living out what we believe; that we are all connected and we are all valuable.

Although we still have a long way to go in terms of supply chain transparency it has never been easier to be mindful of who and what we give our money to. Progress is slow but it is being made and where we put our money makes a difference.

I'm not here to give you another gift guide today.  There are so many of those, and we all have different taste, so instead I offer my thoughts & top tips on how we can make Christmas more mindful & ethical this year:

1) Set Boundaries

Have an open discussion with your family about presents this year. This is a biggie - get other people on board.  Suggest a Secret Santa style of gift-giving – where each person draws a name and buys for only that person? Maybe you decide together to set a price limit on gifts? The pressure to buy and spend a certain amount of money can really dampen the joy of giving so why not live a little lighter this year by having those conversations early. Make presence, not presents your priority this year.

2) Buy Small

Who are the independent makers in your area? Who is working hard at a craft that is often overlooked for faster cheaper versions? Websites like etsy.com and folksy.com are great for finding beautiful one-off gifts where the profit goes directly to the maker. You can buy jewellery, art prints, hand-knit items and ceramics, even narrowing down your search to your local area in the knowledge that you are supporting a small business in a society where biggest seems best. Christmas is also the perfect time to buy from the beautiful artisan and food markets that pop up in City centres and town squares. Seek out the makers. This is what the Indie Christmas Giveaway is about after all!

3) Buy Selectively

There are some excellent shops both on the high street and online that are committed to sourcing their products from the most transparent supply chains. Beautifully curated online stores like Decorators Notebook, The Future Kept, and Ethical Superstore are great for finding unique gifts as well as everyday items. Supporting shops that are deliberating championing fair-trade and more ethically certified products is a great way to get what you need without compromising on quality or style.

4) Buy Differently

A few years ago we decided to buy our family alternative gifts from well-known charities. We bought my parents a goat, my brother some chickens and our friends got a toilet! Thing is, this goat lived in India and was actually given to a family in India on behalf of my parents to supply them with milk to drink or sell on, the chickens were in Bangladesh and the toilet was given to a family in Cambodia. There are numerous charities that now have gift options like these: you can buy sanitation supplies with Oxfam, toilets with Tearfund, or cows with Christian Aid. Every gift, given in the name of your loved one, is making a massive difference to people in the worlds poorest nations. *disclaimer - see point 1 about getting family on board before going down this route! When they expect an iPod dock and "get" sanitation supplies, it might not be received in the manner you expect...!*

5) Do Your Homework

Maybe now is the perfect time to look at what companies and brands are treating people and the planet with respect? Who is paying a living wage? Which manufacturers are dedicated to not creating more waste that is ruining creation? Websites like ethicalconsumer.com are great for spot-checking items to see which brands are leading the way (some content requires a subscription but lots of it is accessed for free). They rate every kind of product from bicycles to toasters to guide you to the most ethical choice.

You might also want to check on the brands, companies and products that you are already enjoying and giving your money to. Lidl, Morrisons and Aldi have become the first major supermarkets in the UK & Ireland to pay their staff above the National Living Wage, which is a great example to other big chain stores. Marks and Spencer have also made big progress with their ‘Plan A’ – their commitment to helping protect the planet by sourcing responsibly, reducing waste and helping communities.

For your other favourite retailers, now is the time to look up their supply chain policies, corporate social responsibility policies and if they don’t have them – just ask! Send an email or contact the company through social media. As a paying customer, it’s your right to know!

6) Be Content

Much of our learning about choosing more ethically must be rooted in contentment with what we have. When we understand our privilege and can recognise how much we already have then we can make wiser choices when we spend our money. We must drown out the adverts and the noise that tells us contentment comes packaged up prettily underneath a tree and remind ourselves that true contentment comes from things we cannot touch or switch on.

Why not start by being more intentional about one or two of these things this year? If we each made decisions with a little more thought and purpose, we could collectively make some important statements.

A version of this post first appeared in Herald Magazine & contains affiliate links.

A Post-Election Manifesto

Today we are disappointed.  We are tweeting our fears, facebooking our worries and I'm proud. I'm proud because I can see the appetite for more.  The appetite for politics that make sense for everyone.  Not much of the last 24 hours makes sense.

But after today we will get up, shake off our disappointment and pick up our resolve.  We will harness our upset and anger at the state of our politics, of our given leadership and we will use it.

We will turn our frustration into action.  We will own our communities for ourselves.  We will come together in ways that will show up the powers-that-be and remind them that 'we are the many, they are the few'.

We will start community groups, we will protest, we will encourage, cheer on and share.  We will build towns and cities that defy selfish agendas and we will fulfil empty promises for ourselves.  We will know the value of money, of care and protection and we will exercise it daily.

We will challenge decisions, we will follow up requests, we will decide to be involved.

We will champion the good, the underdog, the bright spots in our communities.  We will call each other to account and not wait for others to lead.  We will be innovators, entrepreneurs and activists.  We will move ahead.

We will understand that the real work happens here - on the streets and avenues, in the community centres and churches, in the non-profits and the small businesses.  We will remember our own power and we will give it away to those that really need it.

Be annoyed today; be angry and despondent.  Let the dust settle a while and then let's, together, show them how it's really done.

Purpose & Strength

I've had an interesting few weeks of conversations and investment in some personal development.  Usually that term gives me a bit of the shudders - it can sound a bit like navel-gazing - not something I have a lot of time for, but in reality it has been timely and really inspiring. Introspection, reflection & self-examination: not skills that I would say I have mastered, but I know they are important for growth, so I've been trying to get better at them - understanding my make-up a bit better; how I interact, how I learn, how I communicate, what makes me tick & come alive etc.  Pretty important stuff to get to grips with, I reckon.

A few weeks ago I logged into the #blogtacular twitter chat (every Wednesday, 9pm BST - not to be missed!) and the topic for the week was:

"Are you doing the work you want to be known for?"  

It was a pretty significant chat for me and the gals at Blogtacular know how to pose questions that are really thought-provoking.  I love the interaction and encouragement that goes on in those chats - if it were real life we would be walking out the pub door at the end high-fiving each other wildly.

I guess when I thought about responding to that question, I was working out the reality of that not only in a blog context but in a whole-life context.  For me, that's the bottom line.  This old blog here is a creative outlet for me amidst a pretty serious day job (that I love), but it's not a separate part of me - it's an extension of me.  I try to write and engage in things on the blogosphere that align with my whole self.  That means tackling issues that are important to me (I'm not a fashion-blogger, but I think ethical style is real important), tapping into my creative side by making things (I'm not a craft-blogger, but I think making stuff and being creative is life-giving) and trying to capture life for us in a way that is real and honest here in this space (I'm not a mummy-blogger, but I think motherhood is the biggest lesson of my life so I talk about it here).

For me, it's about championing the good, the underdog, the creative and the connections we all share.

If I could be known for that, I'd be happy.  It feels good to be true to yourself in all extensions, right?

Then this week, I had the chance to get some coaching from my friend Abbey - who runs her own coaching company out of the States.  Abbey introduced me to the Gallup Strengthsfinder last year and it has been a bit of a revelation.  I know there are a lot of personality assessments out there and lots of them are really good, but I was really drawn to the 'Strengths' concept because it uses positive psychology to "show people that our greatest potential resides in utilising our innate strengths" rather than using that energy to try and fix the parts of our make up that doesn't measure up.

Abbey was over in NI so I nabbed her for an afternoon of coaching with my work team.  We had all taken the assessment before hand so Abbey worked through our results individually and then brought us together as a team to look at how our strengths can work together - it was really practical, really inspiring and really freeing.

Both of these encounters have left me feeling energised and encouraged that I'm on the right track.  More so, it's given me a renewed vigour and confidence that the things I invest in, personally and professionally are a good fit for me.

I am really glad I've been spending some time on this - and would so encourage you to do the same (start with the Strengthsfinder assessment - trust!).  I think when we know our strongest abilities and find a purpose in life that fits those skills well, we all are on our way to being fully truly alive.