NEWSFLASH: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CONFIDENCE

No, this isn’t clickbait, I promise.

I have genuinely come to this conclusion:

There is no such thing as confidence.

For such a long time I bought into the idea that confidence is something that you can build or grow or develop. Now I’m not so sure.

There’s something that rattles me about the idea of “being confident” that I wasn’t able to pinpoint for ages. It felt like, particularly for women, that word was everywhere - orbiting around us on magazine stands and by-lines; pointing out what was missing: 

“12 Steps to More Confidence”

“Why Confidence is Your Biggest Career Asset”

“The Confidence Gap & How to Close It”

“The Key to Building Your Brand: Confidence”

It all sounds compelling.

“Of course! That’s what I need: more confidence.”

“When I get more of that, then I’ll be able to do the things that feel stretchy; then I’ll be able to put myself forward or share my ideas or step out of my comfort zone.”

Pursuit of confidence has become this holy grail achievement for women of the world who are interested in offering more.

But what if it’s not the holy grail?

What if confidence is simply not ‘a thing’?

What if it’s a myth that has us circling around and around and never actually taking any action because the markers for confidence are really murky? How will I know if I’m confident? What does it feel like to be confident? At what level of confidence will I be ready for X Y or Z? Who knows? It’s all a bit illusive.

I’ve done a great deal of research and observing on this and I want to offer a few more reasons that build on this idea:

 1)    EVERYONE YOU ADMIRE IS DOING THEIR WORK A LITTLE BIT AFRAID AND WITHOUT ANY CERTAINTY.

I have worked with many incredible women doing brilliant things in the world. I have built charity projects and a business of my own from scratch. What I can attest to is this: in every circumstance where there is a high risk of vulnerability, criticism or rejection - fear and self-doubt is rife. When I think of the women that I admire, I have been relieved to hear them speak to their own self-doubt and how they still struggle with feelings of being an imposter in their work. There isn’t a thought leader or innovator that you look up to who is immune to this and there isn’t a thought leader or innovator out there that isn’t putting themselves and their work out there with any concrete assurance that what they do next is going to connect or have traction.

We have to do things scared.

What is significant is that it’s only through the process of trying, sometimes failing and processing the learning that we develop resilience and wisdom to build our capabilities and way forward.

The way I see it is that instead of pursuing this illusive confidence in our ideas or abilities -  what is more human, more natural, more self-supportive is to understand how to manage and create a healthy relationship with our fears and self-doubt, because they are not going away.

2)    THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IS THROUGH. AND THEN THROUGH AGAIN.

If only we could escape our self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy, right? If only there was a magic formula that we could ignite when we needed to display confidence in our abilities or activate self-belief.

The reality is that the only way through this stuff is through. And then through again.

Because how we build capacity as humans, how we learn, how we grow and develop is not by bypassing feelings of self doubt, but by moving through them. Once we realise that self-doubt is universal and that fear is our brains way of trying to keep us safe from emotional risks, we can show up for ourselves with more empathy and resolve to give things a go.

This isn’t a linear process. We don’t learn about our self-doubt once and have it mastered. Understanding and managing self-doubt (which will show up in a bunch of different ways throughout our lifetime) is a life-long journey and a muscle that we have to chose to build by deciding that it’s worth moving towards things that feel most true to us, even if certainty of an outcome is not available.

3)    THE PURSUIT OF CONFIDENCE ACTUALLY KEEPS WOMEN SMALLER, FOR LONGER.

Like any message we absorb in our culture, there are some particular patriarchal benefits to this idea of pushing women towards this confidence myth.

If women are taken up in the pursuit of mythical confidence and don’t learn the unsexy but important work of managing self-doubt and uncertainty then they will remain distracted, deflated, left-out and will likely give up on the things that they truly want to do.

It serves the capitalistic society that dominates all that we do if we as women chase the unattainable under the false pretence of confidence mastery. It keeps us busy, burnt out, concerned with other peoples’ opinions rather than working through our fears and finding ways to embrace how self-doubt shows up. There is real power and autonomy available for women who are able to dismantle their limiting beliefs and do the brave work of updating them.

ASSEMBLY SPRING/SUMMER GATHERING 2019

Another Assembly Gathering has come and gone and I can’t wait to tell you all about it…

These Gatherings are like markers in the year for me - signifying the beginning of a season, a punctuation mark to welcome in something new. They take months to plan and it feels like they are over so quickly so I love to be able to record it all here and keep the memories of these special days alive.

This year for our Spring Summer Gathering I wanted to host it somewhere fresh, somewhere peaceful, somewhere that immediately felt like a retreat from the daily grind and the chaos of life. It didn’t take me long to know that Origin Community Farm was going to be that space. From the very first time we went to check out Origin as a family - a working flower and vegetable farm, cafe and community space - I felt at home. The team that run the space are some of the very best people you could know. They care deeply about what they do, they are creative, insightful, welcoming and generous and the space they have created was just the ticket for gathering almost 30 women together to eat, drink and escape routine for a while.

I’ll give you a quick overview of the day, but really these pictures from Ruth of Native Ivy do the talking for me. It’s so special to have the moments captured by such a brilliant photographer - I’m sure you’ll agree…

Everyone arrived to Origin and were welcomed with a seasonal botanical cocktail, mixed up by our in house mixologist for the day - Laura Turley. We had beautiful fresh canapes from The Edible Flower and settled into chatting to new people, bathing in the sunshine of the garden and getting familiar with the goats and chickens in the yard.

That’s me giving important information like who to talk to if the bog roll runs out…

Then everyone split off into two workshop spaces - half the group heading into the cafe space for a floral crown workshop with the lovely Vicky from Origin and the other half heading into the flower polytunnel with Laura to mix up some botanical cocktails. The groups then switched over so everyone had a chance to do both workshops. Everyone immersed themselves fully and it was so great to see all the variations of beautiful floral crown creations - from big Frida Kahlo style headdresses to dainty earthy crowns; it was pretty stunning! Even those that came thinking they didn’t have a creative bone in their body soon left chuffed with what they put together when they had the right tools and time to get on with it. Sometimes that’s all we need eh? The foraged cocktail class was a big hit too - lots of homemade garnishes and infusions were sampled and Laura was a wealth of knowledge on how simple it is to create impressive cocktails from natures bounty.

After the workshops and JUST as the rain and wind began to howl, we crowded into the polytunnel to sit down for dinner. We dined on three incredible courses put together by The Edible Flower - each one sublime. Nettle and nutmeg soup, dulse soda bread with local Abernethy butter, all the seasonal salads loaded with colour and flavour and the most delicious carrot and goats cheese tart tatin. The wine flowed and we finished up with a dreamy summer fruit pudding and geranium cream, lounging around the big table like the Floral Queens that we are. It was so lovely (and my favourite moment of these events) to look up and down the table at the diverse group of women gathered - many strangers before this day - all making connections and finding common ground.

I’m so grateful to have had a BRILLIANT team to help me put this Gathering together - especially the amazing Steph from This Old Home who took care of all the details, knew exactly how and when and what to get to bring my ideas to life. Steph worked really hard to source the right stuff and make sure everything looked and felt beautiful - from the styling of the workshop spaces to the tablescape and outdoor areas. I’m so grateful to get to work with women who are creative, warm and dedicated.

All the little details matter and we had beautiful linen napkins in a gorgeous light grey provided by Magic Linen and they set the tone of the earthy table so perfectly. The little linen goodie bags were an extra treat and were filled with organic, eco toiletries from local eco retailer Bamboo & Beeswax and a beautiful organic cotton food bag provided by Tracy from BTS Concept Store in Coleraine. Menu’s were designed and printed by Natalie at Keady Row.

The beautiful hand-painted ‘Gather’ banner was made by Kate Morrison and pulled the whole space together, dontcha think?

The night was coming to a close before we knew it and we huddled around the firepit with mint tea and lavender biscuits. One by one, everyone headed home, taxi’s arrive and just like that it was over!

A huge thank you to everyone who helped out, especially the magnificent team at Origin who let us have full run of their space for the day. And to the women who came to the Gathering, and the women who continually support Assembly in many many ways - thank you. YOU are the heart and soul of Assembly.

ASSEMBLY WINTER GATHERING 2018

It’s been a couple of weeks since we had our Winter Assembly Gathering so I wanted to show you what we got up to! It was such a beautiful evening. 40 women; making, eating, and getting to know each other as we gathered at this years Winter venue, Portadown Town Centre Market. The amazing Lauren from @litphotographyni captured the whole evening for us so beautifully - makes me want to do it all again…

We had The Edible Flower team on board for catering so we were kept fully fed and watered from arrival - spiced rum with hot apple juice and homemade pretzels that I can’t stop thinking about to this day. Those girls are geniuses with their flavours and expertise. They really are top class caterers and it’s always such a pleasure to have them on the Assembly team.

Once everyone arrived we split off into workshops - half heading over to Becky to learn about natural remedies and make a healing herbal tea and the other half over to Gill, (our amazing florist who installed that beautiful foliage suspension and the incredible circle installations while having a newborn baby in her arms) to make some natural alternative wreaths!

And then we feasted! We had four courses of amazing food by Team Edible Flower. They knocked it out of the park with the menu. Lentil, beetroot and goats cheese starter, slow cooked beef rendang with jasmine rice for mains, spiced ginger cake with caramelised apples on top for dessert and rose meringues and green tea to finish. Glory be. The eating is my favourite part. It’s when everything slows down and we get to sit and chat and take our time and savour.

The table was set with beautiful stonewashed linen tablecloths c/o our friends at Linen Me and simple, elegant brass candle sticks from the amazing Fetch and Sow. We hung warm light festoons c/o Lights4Fun from the industrial ceiling to bring some warmth to the space (hanging them caused some serious marital tension between Dave and I but it was worth it in the end…). We also used Linenme napkins to wrap up the little treats we put together for all who attended. Everyone received a gorgeous paper-cut print by Cotton Papier, a pair of my favourite ever bamboo socks by Thought Clothing, a little sample of Neals Yard Hand Cream and Facial Serum from small batch Irish natural beauty company Sana Naturals. A big thank you to the awesome brands that contributed gifts - they were perfect.

As always, being round the table, getting to make and learn and be together felt magical. What a serious delight it is for me to bring women together in this way - to make space for our own creativity and to build community. I don’t take it for granted that women are brave enough to buy tickets and come to Assembly for the first time on their own, or that they come back because they have made connections they want to foster. Thank you to everyone who came - it’s only ever as good as the women who come.

All of these images were captured by Lauren from LIT Photography who is such a talented warm person and a real gem to work with. Aren’t they wonderful?

Finally, I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has been part of Assembly this year. To those of you who have joined the Members Community (almost 80 of you now!), everyone who has hosted, helped or attended one of our Gatherings, Sessions, our charity Clothes Swap and Skydive, the Winter Market and the Movements Group Coaching Course (PHEW). Needless to say it has been such a learning curve for me to lead in this way this year and I have absolutely LOVED meeting so many amazing women here in Ireland who are doing incredible things, have brave and beautiful ideas and want to be more courageous with their lives. Here’s to all of that and more in 2019.

P.S. My monthly newsletter ‘The Understory’ is going out this week - if you want to get it, see the box below!

INSIDE THE ASSEMBLY SPRING/SUMMER GATHERING!

It's been a few weeks since we had our Assembly Spring/Summer Gathering for the year so I thought I'd take you inside and show you what we got up to.

These Gatherings are pretty all consuming for me in the lead up - so much thought, preparation, promotion, sourcing and energy goes into putting this day together and I love it. I do. It flexes creative muscles in me that I want to build but make no mistake, it also takes a small army of helpers around me to make it happen. I am so grateful for all the people who were on my team for this Gathering - so many beautiful women who made it all come together - with their skills, expertise, encouragement and generosity. 

We headed back to the gorgeous home of Erin and Jo (The Edible Flower) in Saintfield for this years Gathering and it is such a warm, generous space. It takes a special couple to have the courage and tenacity to be able to host 40 women for the day so effortlessly. They cleared out space for us, cooked delicious food for us, led a workshop, lit campfires and were generally amazing. 

Setting up and bringing a vision of table settings and flowers and backdrops is such an exciting part of this role for me and I was so lucky to have Kelly from Ciderpress Lane as my right hand woman to help with setting up. Kelly runs similar dinners and workshops through her awesome business Ciderpress Lane in Seattle, Washington and we connected over IG ages ago through mutual friends. It just so happened that she was in Ireland on vacation the same time as our Gathering was happening so I scooped her up and was so thrilled that we could finally meet in real life and she could come and be part of Assembly with us! 

I also had the absolute pleasure of bringing in Lindsey from The Wildflower to make the table come alive with some gorgeous spring blooms. I cannot tell you how happy these flowers made me - they were the perfect peachy tones and really made the table look so special (you'll see them in situ later on down the post). Lindsey is such a dream to work with and totally got my ideas and the feel I wanted to create. If you ever need anything floral done, she's your girl.

We were also so lucky to have Steph and Matt from This Old Home come and bring some of their stunning backdrops for different spaces around the Gathering. These guys have such style and warmth and their gorgeous wooden backdrops brought a really unique element to the different spaces around the property. The dressed wooden triangle finished off our dining space beautifully and the chevron backdrop we used to serve welcome cocktails from was something really special. Such a gorgeous fam they are (their beautiful boy Tom got in on the action while we set up) with such creative know-how.

After everyone arrived and had a seasonal cocktail and some canapes we broke up into workshops - one half of the group heading out to meet with Jo and learn about seasonal gardening, growing your own veg and getting a chance to pot some plants to take home. Erin and Jo have a large vegetable garden where they grow much of the food they cook and cater with so Jo took us on a tour. I don't know anyone more enthusiastic about soil, crop rotation and the ultimate joy of growing your own than Jo. She is utterly joyfully contagious and a wealth of info. They are going to be running some twilight gardening sessions (with yummy food included) on their property during July/August so if learning more about this stuff is your thing you should get along! 

While one group got their hands dirty, the other half of the group headed over to the cow byre to meet up with Tonya from Infinity Farm. Tonya is an urban beekeeper and came along to take a workshop on making beeswax products. Everyone had a chance to make some scented beeswax lipbalm and an eco-friendly beeswax wrap (alternative to cling film/tinfoil) to take home! The smells coming from the workshop space were heavenly as everyone had a go at blending essential oils into their beeswax lipbalms. 

Then to feast! And feast we did. The Edible Flower team put on such a spread of food for us, I was satisfyingly bursting at the seams at the end of the night. Soup, scones, homemade sourdough pizza made in their brand new wood-fired pizza oven with local, seasonal toppings and the most incredible rhubarb pavlova to finish. 

Denby provided us with sets of plates from their new Studio Blue collection and they looked beautiful on the table with the optical white stonewashed linen tablecloths and indigo linen napkins provided by the wonderful LinenMe. It's all of these small details that bring a table together, don't you think?

Our amazing designer Nat from Keady Row did up our menu/manifesto cards for each person in our new Assembly branding.

Everyone was also treated to a little gift from two amazing companies. Some organic sunscreen from Green People and a beautiful selection of candles and tealights from The Botanical Candle Company (which were opened with audible gasps at how beautiful they were). The candle scents were 'Greenhouse' and 'Cutting Garden' which just felt so perfect given our seasonal workshops. Big huge love and thanks to Green People and The Botanical Candle Co. for being so generous with their products. 

How gorgeous are these mamas with their fresh new babies? Assembly is always accommodating of new babies (and you'll never be short of someone to hold your baby while you eat)!

And so this is where the magic happens; around the table. Conversations deepen, connections are made as we relish in the simple pleasure of eating and drinking together. It's always my favourite time to take stock - to look around the room at people getting to know each other, laughing and making space for their own nourishment. Such a joy.

After dinner we retreated to the campfire and had warm milky chai tea before we said our goodbyes and packed down.

Thank you so much to everyone who made our Spring/Summer Gathering such a treat. To those who came, threw themselves into workshops and made new connections, to our incredible hosts and the team of women who brought it all together. A special final thank you again to our amazing photographer Rachel from Martha & Pine Photography. She captured the day so beautifully and these images are all her amazing work. She is a magician.

If you want to be part of what Assembly is all about - making space to reflect, learn, gather and grow into our creative selves - then you might want to think about joining our Members Community. This is a warm, inclusive group of women from the North and South of Ireland who want to invest in the community aspect of Assembly on a regular basis. Members get discounts on tickets to all Assembly events, get together at members only meet ups, have access to live workshops in our buzzing private facebook group and have the opportunity to take part in special projects together that empower women in need. 

If that sounds like something you'd like to be part of, come join us! Doors are only open for a little while so click here to join today!