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Mel: welcome back everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. I am Mel. Uh, and I I'm your host in this podcast. Um, we are heading into part two of a little series that I've been putting together on getting brave with boundaries. Um, this is a great time of the year for us to be looking at our by and because, um, it's busy. There are lots of extra demands on us on our time, on our resources with emotional and physical. So last week, if you haven't caught up with the previous podcast episode, You'll have heard me going through kind of what my understanding is of boundaries, that they are freeing, uh, that they are an opportunity for us to be really clear and kind with the people that matter to us and that they actually offer us the opportunity to do our best, most honest, true work. I then talked a little bit about what's in the. So if boundaries are so great, Mel, like what is in the way, like, why are they so frigging hard to implement and Cape and Minton? And I talked a little bit about how I patriarchal cultures that we exist in do not make it easy for us to eat. To really put boundaries in place. Uh, the systems that we operate in and, and work on an home demand. So much of us that it's really hard for us to feel like we have space and time and to really execute good boundaries. Um, I also talked a little bit a bite, um, overestimate in our capacity. Maybe we also feel like we're flailing and flying by the seat of our pants, because we haven't put any structure in place for, as a gift to ourselves when it comes to our work and our life. Um, and we're just kind of moving around from urgent thing to urgent thing. Plan on a hat and then also not asking for help and really believe in the harder we work, the more we're going to get out of it instead of being smart and strategic about our time and implement and boundaries around that. So that was. The part two, I actually want to move into a few solutions and thoughts around high. We can update our bind race. So if you resonated with part one and you're like, Ooh, what button I want? What am I going to do about this? I need to know, I need to do this. I know I need to update this stuff, but how do I do that? You're in the right place. We're going to do that today. Um, before we get to that though, I just want to. Maybe give you some signs, some red flags, if you're not sure already. I think it's helpful sometimes to kind of just be really clear about, um, some signs that we might notice that are given us good information about needing to update our bind race. And the first one of these is martyrdom. So with this with martyrdom, you might identify as having had your boundaries imposed on them, and you might become overly defensive to ward off any further in position. Um, and actually the crux of martyrdom means that often you continue to be knowingly imposed on and then let other people know of your martyrdom. Anybody for lit. The second sign might be resentment, and this could be really reflected in your interactions and relationships with others because of your anger over past and position of your boundaries, you might feel really resentful towards a lot of people towards situations and expectations. Sophie, the third thing is invisibility. And visibility might be a sign and this could involve you pull an in or withdrawn so that other people, and maybe even yourself, never really know how you're feeling or what you're really thinking. And your goal with this kind of invisibility is to not be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not imposed on. Because if they can't say me, if I don't stick my head up, then no, one's going to ask anything. Another sign you might need to update your boundaries is aloofness. So maybe as a result of experiences of being ignored or rejected in the past, it might feel easier for you to protect your boundaries by taking the defensive posture to begin with and reject others before they might reject you. Uh, in this case, she inward an unwilling or maybe fearful of opening up your space, your work to others. You might try to seem cool or withdrawn. So not to have any boundary, imposing experiences going forward. And then maybe on the flip side of this, the fifth thing, um, that might be a sign that you need to update your boundaries is a hyper accessibility. So this is when it seems to you that maybe nothing you think or feel or do is your own business. Maybe you're not even aware that that's what you think. Maybe you feel like you're expected to, or you feel a real urge to report to others, all the details and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships, and dealings with the outside world. Maybe you begin to feel like nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. Maybe you begin to believe that you don't have a private domain or your own space. To which you can escape and maybe fail. You'd need to overexplain yourself to others, even people you don't know. Um, maybe, maybe that's showing up for you in social media, the sense of hyper accessibility and all of those martyrdom, resentment and visibility. Aloofness, hyper accessibility may be signs that we need to update our bind race and you might've identified. Something that resonates for you in that, um, maybe experiences, behaviors that you've adopted that could indicate that you felt like your boundaries have been compromised or imposed on, and maybe it's time to reflect on where these experiences came from. So what was the boundary that wasn't in place there, or what's the boundary that was a little bit porous or wasn't communicated that allowed this to be the case and based on these kinds. Signs. I wonder if he can connect to a situation or a person where, you know, you need to update your boundaries in order to free you up or allow you to become just a bit more true to yourself. I know we can move into ways that we can update and advocate for our boundaries. And I've got five things to say about this, because I think that there are really practical things that we can do to update our boundaries. And the first thing is. Having support in place before and after setting your boundaries, I find this to be hugely, hugely helpful. Find someone to talk it out with someone that you trust before you sat them, be accountable to someone. I kind ability with boundaries is key. How have a conversation with someone trusted before you set your boundaries with someone or something? Um, especially if you're feeling nervous about it, have someone in your corner that you can be accountable to so that you're able to be empowered. Before you do that really difficult, but important work of setting a boundary and someone who you can unpack it with once you've done that. The second thing that I think is really important that we can do to advocate for our boundaries is have really explicitly clear agreements about expectations. Remember, from last episode, to be clear is to be kind. When it comes to agreeing to do something for somebody or saying, yes, do not be afraid to ask as many questions as you'd like, get as much clarity as you need. So you can weigh up. Where are your boundary lies on a particular situation? I think that's super important that you don't feel. Like you're being annoying or over the top by asking as many questions as you need to, or being as clear as possible a bite, what the expectations are. If you do say yes to somebody, if you do agree to do something, if you are stepping into something. The third thing is use simple and direct language. So when it comes to setting boundaries, yep. Clarity is super clear, but also being really direct is also important. And I know that we all find this really hard because we don't want to come across as a bitch and we don't want to be come across as harsh, but sometimes it's about, you know, not leaving any room for. For wiggle, like not leaving any room for things to be ambiguous. So it might be that you have to say something like, you know what I have decided not to take phone calls between 10 and two so I can get my work done. I'll need to call you later. Or, you know, although this cause is really important to me, I thank you so much for asking me to be part of it. I actually really need to say no for NY because I need to honor what's going on in my family at the minute. Or how about this? It's not okay with me that you comment on my appearance. I'd really like you to stop doing that. Or my favorite one, you know what, I'm going to have to think that over, I have this policy of not making decisions right away. So I'll let you know by X amount of time, right? I've got this policy of not making decisions right away. Give yourself plenty of space. You absolutely deserve to do that. The fourth thing, and this one's hard. I will caveat this fourth point with that. Is that realizing within ourselves that we do not need to defend Debbie it or overexplain our bind race. We absolutely can be firm. We can be gracious and we can be direct. We don't need to defend it. We don't need it to be at it and we don't need to overexplain it. That's our right. That's our right to, to have our boundaries in place with I thought. And if you faced resistance, what you might do, it's okay to repeat that again. It's okay. To repeat your boundary, the fifth thing, and maybe the most important. Is that in order to update an advocate for our boundaries, we got a bucket with some action. So that means really holding ourselves accountable to the things that we have put in place, the boundaries that we've put in place, showing that we mean what we say, showing that we're loyal to ourselves and our values and how we want to show up. So I'd love for you to think about what you might need to do in order to update. Boundaries, maybe that you're struggling with maybe things that have caused you to compromise in whatever way or to be overstretched in some way. And are there any of these five things that you might need to activate to update that boundary for yourself? I wonder what you're actively going to do to update that boundary. Maybe it's connecting with a friend, applied, a boundary that you need to put in place, getting that support, getting somebody trusted in your corner so that you can feel in part to me. The, uh, boundary happen, maybe it's that you need to be super, super clear and ask a bunch of questions. Maybe you need to be really direct and use simple and direct language. Maybe you need to resist defending yourself or debating things with people who are maybe insistent on pushing your boundaries, or maybe you just need to start backing yourself with some action around your boundaries and showing that you mean what you said. I really hope that that's helpful. I hope that you're able to take something away from this new one that our boundaries are critical to have an, a life that feels meaningful. That is kind of self-supportive and not as free. If you have any questions, if you have any. Comments. If you're struggling with boundaries, I'd love to hear a by thought here, your experience. You can always reach out to me on Instagram. You can email me at hello at Melbourne and star calm. Um, and I really, I, yeah. I just hope that you feel. A little bit more emboldens, um, and in part to set some boundaries and update those and your life, I'll be back again and a little bit with another episode. Thank you so, so much for less than.