Episode 14: Getting Brave with Boundaries Part 1

About four years ago, I was barely keeping my head above water. I was running a home. I was running a charity, I was running this business – Assembly, I had a two year old and a 6 year old and a marriage and other responsibilities to manage and I was right in the deep end. I needed to make some changes. Not only did I need to get some help medically, I knew I needed to work out a better, easier way of doing things that didn’t involve me sacrificing my mental and physical health.

So. I want to share some of that learning and how implementing and updating boundaries have been so key to moving towards health for me.

I think the key thing here is getting to the baseline of why we are so frazzled and torn and I have a few ideas about why this is so and why women in particular are grappling with this desire for balance and boundaries so much more than men and why it is distracting us from the amazing work that we should be doing in the world. This is Part 1 of 2 and I'll be laying out why I believe boundaries are critical and freeing and what might be in the way of us setting them.

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lovely friends. Hi. Welcome back to courage is calling with me, your host, Mel Wiggins. Um, I wonder how you doing today as you listen to this wherever you are in the kitchen and the car on a walk. Put in washing away. Those are all my favorite places to listen to podcasts. Uh, today I thought I would begin a two-part series on getting brief with binderies. This is something that I have noticed is really, really, really one of the biggest things that we need to talk about when it comes to building courage, being brave. Moving towards the things that we feel called or compelled today, our bind race. Um, and so I'm wondering, let me just get a temperature gauge of, of where you're at, but I wonder if you've maybe thought of some of these things before, have any of these situations crossed your mind? Wanting to throw your phone at the wall because you're so sick of it. So sick of your addiction to it, even when you tell yourself it's, you know, working or networking or marketing and feeling like it just never ends, or maybe you feel like you don't have any time for yourself or your hobbies, you're not even actually sure. What any of your hobbies or what you like to do are anymore because. I feel really consumed with running your home or run your business or doing the thing. Maybe you feel like your brand never switches off because you're always running from task to task. And you're not really, really sure that you're giving your full attention to anything. Maybe you're someone that feels like they're always sneaking in work when you're at home. So you get the kids to bed or you get the dinner washed up on your back on the laptop. Um, Maybe you feel like you have really demanding clients and you're starting to be resentful of that. And you feel like you can't say no to them and you're bending to their whims, or maybe you're someone who, anytime you're asked how you're doing or how things are going, your default responses. Yeah. So busy, so busy. It's crazy. So tired, so busy or maybe a weekend at home. On your own with a stash of movies and all the good snacks signs like heaven to you. I wonder, I wonder if those are things that have crossed your mind before, or if you can relate to any of that. I just want to say if that's, if that's the case, you're absolutely in the right place by lesson today. Um, and those are absolutely thoughts that I've had at one stage or another. That's how I came up with them. I came up with those points really easily because they have been my own lift experience. I want to tell you about something personal. So about four years ago, I really was barely keeping my head above water. I was running a home, for my, my family, running a charity project, running this business assembly. I had a. Two year old, um, a six-year-old and a marriage and all these other responsibilities to manage. And I was right in the deep end and it all came to a head after a real bite of panic attacks came out of nowhere. Um, one night I actually ended up at A&E thinking that I was dying of a heart attack. Um, and anyone who's experienced panic attacks as part of their mental health story will attest to that's really how it feels times. And that was the wake-up call that I had to, to know that I needed to address what was going on on the outside was really affecting me and my body on the inside. I needed to make some changes and not only did I need to get some help medically. I knew that I needed to work out a better, an easier way of doing things that didn't involve me sacrificing my mental and physical health. So I want to share some of that learning with you. And I want to talk through some of the insights that I've. I've gained the shifts that have happened for me that have helped me to feel more safe, more free in my life and work. Um, and I think the key here is get into the baseline of why we're so frazzled and torn and have a few ideas about why this is so, and why women in particular are grappling with this desire for balance so much more than we understand that men are. Um, why it's distracting us from the amazing work that we could be doing in the world. So to start off, I want to just do a little run through of what I believe boundaries are and why they're so important in helping us redress some of the balance and that feeling frazzled and torn stats on the first thing I want to say about boundaries is boundaries are not constrictive. They are freeing, they are freeing. And maybe you have grown up in a culture where boundaries have meant restriction or being confined and sometimes blind. And, you know, in a really traditional sense can get a bad rap and be associated with stuff that maybe hasn't served us in the past. But I want you to know that boundaries when applied the right way are supposed to be so self-supportive. And so fraying, when we are really clear about what is serving us well and what isn't boundaries are that action point that helps us align with what we really and truly want to be doing. So I want to compel you to ask yourself. What freedom do I need to have that I don't right now? What boundaries can I put in place around my work? My relationships, the things that feel L fitting to me right now that will bring me more freedom and more opportunity to focus on the things that are going to help me grow and develop as a person. The second thing I want us to understand what boundaries is this binary. Do not equal letting people dying. They mean that we get to be really clear unkind with the people that matter most to us, because there's nothing that can harm a relationship more than unclear undefined, bind race. And often when a relationship is strand or difficult or burdensome it's because we've aligned our boundaries in that relationship to be unclear or loose. But when our loyalty to ourselves remains intact and we are clear about what we are willing to do, how much time we're able to invest, what kind of support we can offer, how much of ourselves we can give it, actually foster safety and clarity in our relationships. So I want you to think of relationships that you're having any difficulty with right now. It could be work. Our client relationships, it could be family or friends and notice where communication and clear boundaries might be ambiguous or avoidance at the minutes. And I want you to know it's not too late to update your boundaries and be clear with the people that you care about most. And it might mean that you have to draw a line or say no, or let someone. But you love know that you aren't able to commit to the thing in the way that you thought you could before. And this absolutely can feel stretchy at first because adjusting and updating boundaries might trigger reactions and other people, but it is the best thing you can do for others and ultimately yourself being clear in order to be kind. And that's a brand new O'Brien, uh, signed by. And she also says Darren to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. And finally, one last truth that bite boundaries boundaries actually offer us. The opportunity to do our best work, to be self-supportive and intentional about what we want to offer or create or high. We want to show up boundaries Elias to be really true and really loyal to ourselves. So when we're intentional about where we stand on things and how much time we have, what our priorities are. Absolutely are going to shift and move around for different seasons of our life. We will see our truest work coming three. There is something about being really clear on what matters and what's most important. That's going to allow us to siphon off things that actually were never meant for us in the safe. And we can be specific about, you know, our offerings and our services. We can be more focused on doing the stuff that brings out our best and we can serve and work, um, uh, be of service from a place of intention and pace rather than burnout or scarcity or resentment. So those are some reasons that I think boundaries are really important. So we need to be clear about, um, hi, they're here to really help us feel more CF, more free, more focused, and what I'd love for you to do, if you're up for a little bit of homework is to write dine. Um, some of the things that really are hitting home for you. And then also just as I talk through this next bit, you might want to make some notes. Because what I want to do is look at what's in the way what's in the way of us. So if boundaries are so great, Mel, then why are they so freaking hard? Why are they so hard to set? Why can I not get my boundaries sorted? Well, there's stuff in the way. And I think that it's important that we call that out, that we tell the truth about why boundaries are difficult. Um, and so I want to talk through like four or five. Reasons that I believe boundaries. Um, why boundaries are difficult for us in particular as women. So what's in the way. So the first thing I want to talk about is that when it comes to boundaries, we're really trying to contend with a very patriarchal society. And this is a big one and it underpins. So much of what we do and how we view balance and boundaries and all of that. We are forever trying to compartmentalize our lives and not acknowledging that there's always going to be a blade and then forever feeling guilty that we can't switch off. What we sometimes forget is that the systems and the functions of this world are not built for women who want to explore their desires. They're not built for us to maneuver between home and work easily. We are constantly thrown off by the systems and the barriers that have been created by man to suit ma male needs on the web man operate. And what happens when we come up against this is that we hit that wall. Realized that we can't do all of those things that we can't compartmentalize work and home and family and friendships and all of the things that we're supposed to balance and, um, have boundaries around. And we come up against that. And then we surmise that something's wrong with us. And we swallow this, this guilt pill, and we know that guilt. Well, eight us up at eight, set us up an ACE up our time. It eats up our action. It halts our action. And when guilt is rife, we operate out of sham and that's never good soil to grow anything from. And it's all because we're operating in a world that is not designed for our flourishing, of course, strides have been made for sure, to, for policies and procedures and all of that kind of stuff. All of the. Me and stuff that gets in the way still gravitates to a male-centered world, a patriarchal centered world where we orbit around the meal normative way of doing things. And so, so, so much of our guilt is misplaced because we forget that the world isn't set up in a way that enables women to feel good about existing and multiple roles and this heaps and heaps. Shame on us that we absolutely don't need. We don't deserve. That's a big one. And that's something that all of us need to question to challenge, to pick apart and find some good female role models for this stuff and be good female role models for this stuff by holding her hands up and saying the system is rigged. Secondly, maybe more practically speaking, there may be other reasons why you're feeling a real struggle in setting boundaries and. Getting any sense of balance. Um, and I think another reason why balance and boundaries might feel off might be in us, overestimating our capacity. So saying yes, when we really may know, or body says, no, maybe taking on too much and then feeling like real failures when we don't get round to doing things, or when we do it out of Judy we're resenting saying yes. And then we Essen more time and energy steward over these things that we wish we hadn't said yes to. Uh, maybe this is what having difficult conversations because generosity cannot exist without boundaries. Boundaries are not easy, but they are the key to self-love and treating others with loving kindness. Nothing is sustainable without blind race. Another reason why we might find ourselves flailing in terms of boundaries might be that we don't actually have a plan for. Our business or our work, and we are just flying by the seat of our ponds. Um, I know that I relate to that and it's only in the last couple of years that boundaries in my work have been so, so PowerPoint. So maybe you're switching from task to task feeling really half-assed and a bunch of areas. So if you work for yourself and you haven't given yourself the gift of some structure, it's super likely that you're going to be scrambling. It really is. That's super likely. You're not prioritizing that you feel swamped. And then you're doing a lot of comparing and looking around to other people's work or their businesses, giving yourself the gift of a plan of a strategy is significant and taken yourself, taking the work you have to do seriously and tuning into your own way of doing things. Another thing. Um, and what might be in the way is thinking that we should be able to do it all and not asking for help, not getting creative with collaboration, with Sharon ideas, with invest in and support. So maybe if you're running a business, you feel like you're the marketer, the creator, the admin, the CEO, the accountant bookkeeper, the designer, the cleaner, whatever it is. We would absolutely never, ever be expected to do all of these roles in a traditional job. Um, so what are the things that you're laboring over that are absolutely none of your business in your business? What do you wish could be taken off your hands? Time and money are the same energy in lots of ways. And we're exchanging them all the time. So what is it? A bite? Our hesitation to do this in our work. Asking for help. And maybe what's in the way is actually a belief that we have that tells us that the harder you work and work and work, that the more you'll earn and earn and earn and we're slogan at night, instead of being really smart and strategic about article. There's a bunch of stuff in the way, and that's why boundaries doesn't feel easy. That's why it's a big topic for us to unpack. And this is just part one I want to just present boundaries is what I believe they are. And what I see is in the way as a bit of a relief, hopefully for you to know that you are not alone. That this is absolutely stuff that all kinds of women are going through as well. Um, if any of these are connecting, I would love to hear it. You can always reach out to me on Instagram at malware gins. You can email me hello@malwareguns.com. Um, and I'll be back in a couple of weeks for part two of getting brief with fine.