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Welcome back to Courage is Calling!

Today I wanted to talk a little bit about self care.

It’s definitely having a moment this year right? With so many more anxieties and pressures on us and as the world seems to be so unpredictable and we have so many more people and causes and things vying for our attention, its good and right that we take a moment and think about how we might intentionally care for ourselves.

What worries me about this is that often, particularly for women, self care then takes on this extra line on our list of things to do:

Reply to that email – TICK Get groceries – TICK Check in on that friend that seemed off – TICK Set a reminder to register kids for x y z. – TICK Book in with the accountant – TICK CARE FOR SELF – ummmmm….Ok?

I really think we’ve got it wrong when we view self care in the same task driven way that we see other compartments of our lives. What this ends up doing is making self care another thing to feel pressured to do, to accomplish, to attain. It also then means, because we are human and are already stretched, we end up trying to look for hacks or tips to try and dunk ourselves into self-care or even more worringly – commodify it as something that can be purchased. Another sneaky capitalist-skewed way of operating that only depletes us more and actually heaps more shame on us if we ‘don’t get around to the self care thing this week’.

And we all know what happens when shame enters the room, right? We freeze. We shrink. We feel immobilised.

What I’m interested in is a more nuanced conversation about what it really means to care for ourselves, and actually more than that – what it really means for us to care for each other in meaningful, restorative ways. Because caring for ourselves as a concept might not be as helpful as it sounds. It really puts so much onus on us to be able to do that when in reality we need each other in order to feel nourished just as much as we need ourselves – and to deny that moves us away from our biological, innate essence.

In their brilliant book ‘Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle’ – Emily and Amelia Nagoski say this:

“No one is “complete” without other people—and we mean this literally. To be complete without social connection is to be nourished without food. It doesn’t happen. We get hungry. We get lonely. We must feed ourselves or die. We don’t mean you “need a man” or any kind of romantic partner. We mean you need connection in any or all of its varied forms. And it is also true that the lifelong development of autonomy is as innate to human nature as the drive to connect. We need both connection and autonomy. That’s not a contradiction. Humans are built to oscillate from connection to autonomy and back again.”
 So a more generous, supportive and rich way to understand self care comes in two parts:

The community aspect. Community care. Realising that we need each other. We need to intentionally connect with community and allow ourselves to be helped and cared for as well as doing that for others. We do this through deep honest friendships, in learning communities or spiritual communities and causes that we are connected to.

And secondly

the self aspect. And with this I think we need to look deeper than just candles and Netflix – although I am absolutely certain that those things give us a lovely experience of indulgence and escape – but what if instead of looking for ways to escape our life so we can feel cared for, we look deeper at the ways in which we really find fulfilment? What if we reflected on the experiences and moments in our life where we have felt in flow, in our element or like we are living our purpose and we dilute and dissect what elements of those experiences brought us to life? When we distill down what really makes us feel full up and alive, often things come up like: when I’m able to create without pressure. Or When I’m bringing people together for a purpose, or when I get to experience novelty or be spontaneous. These things, these core elements of experiences are telling us something about ourselves and what our bodies, minds and souls need to feel like ourselves, to feel cared for and nourished.

Getting to know what really feeds our core then becomes less about fitting those things in but seeing how we might be able to integrate an aspect of it in our already full lives. It becomes less about a to do list and more about a deep connection to our core nutrients, an awareness of what we need to look after our souls and really feel like ourselves.

It’s only when we see these two aspects, community care and core nutrients weaving together in depth and intenion that the self-care conversation actually can become much more whole – so we look at not just where we need that community connection but also what our autonomy needs in order to feel fulfilled and in flow.

So here are a couple of take aways for you: Where are you accessing community right now? Where are the spaces where you feel connected and cared for in community. Where do you have the opportunity to do this for others as well? What are the experiences in your past where you have felt most alive or fulfilled? What were the elements of that experience that really nourished you? Make a list, and then have a look at where you can integrate those things into your life now – your full life now. Not as another thing to do but as a way to allow yourself to be creative at caring for yourself in a deeper more meaningful and sustainable way.