Episode 25: Common Hiding Techniques: Perfectionism

As I was preparing and planning for what I wanted to cover on the podcast in this next season, I started thinking about some of the common things that are keeping us from building courage and being brave and through my work coaching women running businesses I’ve had a pretty good front row seat to all of the sneaky ways that I see fear showing up and keeping us from sharing our work, our ideas and our thoughts. So I thought it would be a good time to dig into some of these common methods of hiding that maybe you can identify with. Some of them are pretty obvious, but today I want to start with one that I know all too well – it’s one of my most common methods of hiding that I use to protect me from vulnerability and it’s also a really sneaky one for women (I’ll explain in a bit) and that, my friends, is perfectionism.

I know there are women listening to this podcast who have important messages to share but whose self-doubt and fear is keeping them quiet or hidden. I know there are women listening to this podcast who think maybe think that perfectionism doesn’t relate to them or that their perfectionism is just "attention to detail". 

I know that so many of us are caught up in the myth that we need to be more something – more qualified, more prepared, more expert, more influential, more polished – than we are in order to share our ideas or work or to try and develop something that we really want to.... this episode is for you.

Feel free to get in touch if any of this connects and you want to chat more:

email: hello@melwiggins.com

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Oh, Hey there. Welcome back to normal broadcasting friends at the summer is just closing and we are back into full back to school mode over here. So uniforms. Busy mornings lunch packs the whole bit, the whole bit. Um, and I hope that wherever you are, as you listen to this pep talk that you have a quiet moment to yourself, maybe a week cup of coffee as well. Um, it is good to be back recording for you. And as I was preparing and planning for what I wanted to cover on the podcast in this next season, I started thinking about some of the common things, um, that are keeping us from building courage and being brave. And through my work coaching women, running businesses, I've had a pretty good front row aid to all of the, the sneaky little ways that I see fear. Showing up and keeping us from sharing our work, our ideas, our thoughts, et cetera. So I thought it would be a good time to dig into some of these common methods of hiding that maybe you can identify with. So this is gonna be, um, a little series of, of episodes all around that. And some of the common methods of hiding are pretty obvious. Uh, but today I wanna start with one that I know all too well. , it's one of my most common methods of hiding that I use, uh, to protect me from vulnerability. And it's also a really sneaky one for women, especially, and I'll explain why and a bit, and that my friends is perfectionism. And I know there are women listening to this podcast who have important messages to share, but who self doubted fear is keeping them quiet or hidden. And I know that there are women listening to this podcast who maybe even think that perfectionism doesn't relate to them. and I know that so many of us are caught up in the myth, the myth that we need to be more, something maybe more qualified, more prepared, more expert, more influential, more polished than we are in order to share our ideas or our work, or to try and develop something that we really want to. So before we talk specifically about perfectionism as a method of hating, let's get into a little bit of background. So. In historical patriarchal culture, dying through the centuries. Women have been excluded from political public and professional life. We have not, and, you know, continue to not be considered in legislation, in voting in policies, in pay discrepancies, in lack of legal protections and the denial of women's basic rights and all of. External exclusions through the years has absolutely had an internal and emotional and maybe even a physiological effect on us as women. It has shaped how we think of ourselves and what we see as possible for our lives and work. It has shaped our fears, fears of speaking up of rocking the boat of not pleasing other people because often and less of all times. Our livelihoods and CFD actually did depend on us being small and quiet and keeping the status quo. and one of the mechanisms of actual protection for us has been hiding whether we recognize it or not. We have hidden ourselves, our ideas, our talents, and, uh, survival instincts to avoid conflict or criticism or any kind of emotional exposure. Right. That might cost us. We have hidden. And the result is that we, we end up people pleasing, maybe even using language that is softer to avoid being singled out. And essentially we have not felt fully free to take action in our own lives. And the cost of doing this is really high. It costs us our autonomy. It costs us our fulfillment, our creativity, our financial wellbeing, our emotional wellbeing, and the list goes on. So. Along with some of the more obvious ways that we continue to hide in that hangover of exclusion and desire for CFD. I want to also address some of the more evolved ways that we are hiding the ones that don't necessarily risk our physical CFD anymore, but that absolutely do risk our emotional CFD. I wanna try and expose some of the ways that we might not realize we're hiding so that we can start to think a little bit about how that is actually showing. In our own lives. So we can begin to come out of the shadows, come out of hiding and live a bit more freely and fully. And you know, for me, and I know for many others, perfectionism is the sneakiest of these because here's why on the surface office, perfectionism actually shows up as productive. Okay. And productivity feels very proactive. But often that acute sense of, um, productivity, which actually looks like overcorrecting and overplanning and overing and being overly attentive to the work is actually keeping us from letting our ideas or our products or our services. Get out there into the wild to be seen and noticed and to breathe. So what looks like on the outside is us doing stuff to be ready. Um, but not quite letting the works see the light of day properly and we can trick our brain. This is why it's sneaky. We can trick our brain into thinking that our perfectionism, because it's productive, we're doing stuff that it is the work. that we are doing something, but actually most of us are not really taking the risk to really put our stuff out there to be visible and to let our thoughts out there and our products and services out there where they can live and breathe and become perfectionism can look like adding on. It can look like over complicating. It can look like endless polishing. Um, and often this perfection seeking really can be avoidance. , you know, instead of putting something out there that is good enough, maybe it's a website that we think needs all the bells and whistles before anyone's allowed to interact with it. Maybe it's a product that we're making, but we think it needs, you know, professional photography before we share about it or show people, or maybe it's a business idea that we think needs three clear and strategic offerings and funnels and freebase before we launch it to PayPal. Um, BNE Bryan talks about perfectionism a lot and she calls it the 20 ton shield that we log around trying to protect us. When in fact it's really preventing us from being seen. And I see that perfectionism for me is often a Gise that we use to guard ourselves from all angles. So covering all of the bases, extra, extra carefully by busying ourselves over minutiae spending, endless time agonizing over how things look or sound and trying to combat any potential criticism before it comes. And the thing is that it actually leads us into a really vicious cycle of she. Because, you know, perfectionism is often possession as a noble quality, something to strive for. Oh, you're so good at details. You're really in the details. when actually it's not only impossible to achieve perfection or a level of perfection that will ever be good enough in our minds, but if we fix it on it and inevitably. Find that no matter how much effort we put, put in, or how much perfecting we do, we're likely to be met with some form of criticism or judgment. We then tell ourselves that judgment or criticism has come because it wasn't perfect enough. And so the cycle of Shem starts to swirl around. I could have done more. I could have made it better when really the problem is the logic of perfectionism that we've been battling. The logic of perfectionism is actually the thing that is faulty here and not one single person. Let me tell you who is out there doing the work, sharing their idea. And putting themselves out there is actually immune from criticism or judgment, no matter what level of perfectionism they think they can execute to protect themselves. But what we can do instead of hiding by way of perfectionism is try to do our best. And what we can do is be proud of how we show up for ourselves and our ideas, despite any flaws that might appear or any judgment that may follow. And what we can do is put down the armor of perfectionism and allow our ideas to be seen and heard so that ultimately, so that we can learn about them and go through the unavoidable process of our ideas becoming. of them just becoming and evolving rather than hoping that they come out perfect. The first time outta the get. And when it comes down to it. Trying and having a go is a really self supportive way to operate. And it offers us compassion and curiosity about the things that we are doing perfectionism on the other hand actually is centered around others and what they think, how they might respond to our work. And it actually takes us out of the equation of the thing that we're working on. It's, it's focused on what other people are gonna think and not what we think. And that's not a supportive or sustainable way to approach these creations or these services or ideas or products that have been brewing in our souls. We don't wanna hand all of that over to the opinions of others. Because of perfectionism. And so within all of this, I want you to know that it's actually so understandable that we would want to hide in this way because risk in being sane or being judged is actually really viscerally scary, and our body knows it. So if you're listening to this and you're thinking, this is me, please, don't double down into shame in yourself. But let it be a call to freedom for you to know that perfect. Isn't really going to protect you. And actually you're more resilient than you realize. And ultimately no, that you're hiding is a huge loss for the rest of the world. That so many incredible ideas and thoughts and wisdom and talents are not being seen, not heard and not shared because we are hiding or fixated on perfection as a, a form of protection. And when amazing women. Like you hide their ideas, their thoughts or creations, then the world misses out. It misses out on expressions of goodness, of insight, of beauty, of delight, of honesty of empathy. Of innovation and we need you, we need your imperfect thoughts, ideas, and creations to be out there in the world so we can find them. And so you can enjoy the fulfillment of creating something of your own. That feels important and true. Thanks for listening. As always I'll be back again soon with part two of this series on hiding with another exploration, into the ways our protective self shows up to limit us and keep us small. Don't forget to share this post with any of your perfectionist friends. Give me a shout out, um, on email, if you have any questions, uh, you can reach me at hello@melwiggins.com or just in the Instagram DMS. And my handle is at Mel Wiggins. Um, so if any of this connects, um, you can give me a shout there and make sure to sign up. To the email footnotes from the podcast, which I send every other week. And you can get those by getting onto my mailing list and the directions to do that. And the links to do that are in the show notes. And I'll be back talking to you real soon.