Episode 18: She Loves Herself

I’ve been in enough rooms and conversations to know that ‘she loves herself’ usually isn’t the kind of comment you want to welcome. Because what we’ve heard it said about is usually someone who isn’t playing small. Usually we say it about someone who shows confidence in themselves, or who shows up for themselves, or who navigates or moves in the world with some sort of self assurance and that rattles us.

So the words that we use to diminish her are: she loves herself. But what else should she do? Hate herself? Ignore herself? Numb herself out?

In this episode I'm calling for a reframe on this term, including a bit of a lesson from my six year old daughter (look out for a follow up reel from her and I on IG!).

+ Click here to read the transcript

Hello, and welcome back to courage is calling. I am so glad you're here. Um, uh, those of you that follow me on Instagram or have been around, uh, what I do for any length of time, I'll know that I have an almost a six year old daughter and she is every bit to the typical six year old little girl. Uh, she loves singing and dancing and dresses. And performing for us. And there is a whole lot of mum. Mommy, watch, watch, watch mommy, watch mommy. Watch this. Watch mum, uh, going on in our living room. Um, every single day, uh, and she loves to sit with me when I'm doing my makeup in the morning and try bits of makeup on and give herself a wee bit of blush her or wee bit of lipstick. And, you know, I let her, because I know that right now in her little mind, all she's doing really is mimicing me. She's mimicking her mommy and just trying things out and it's all about play. Um, she doesn't yet have the loaded views of beauty and societal beauty norms that I have where, you know, I'm using makeup to try and cover certain parts of my face or improve my, in some way. She's literally just mimicking and playing and. I so badly want things to stay in that playful, easy place for her. It's really funny because, uh, every so often, if I'm being really honest, I am really triggered by my six year old's freedom around herself. Her full acceptance of herself, of her body, of her fierce, her hair, her personality, her skills. She really does move through the world. So unfair and so free. Like when she receives a Compli and she doesn't bat it away, she like welcomes it. Like. Anna. That was excellent. Did you have, I know, I know I am. You know, she says, I know and it's almost audacious that you would think otherwise to her, you know, she's so in tune with herself, she expresses her needs when she's hungry or tired. Not always in the way that I want her to, but she does. She expresses herself. She asks for what she wants. She refuses to do things that she doesn't wanna do. She wants you to see her. And she asks that you do, she really hopes for your attention. And it's so wild to me, it's so wild. How far removed we become from this version of ourselves as we grow up to become women. We don't know how to say what we need. We are scared to, we are afraid to ask for what we want in case we seem pushy or needy. We do things we don't wanna do because we don't wanna let people die or because we know it's gonna make other people happy with us. If we do and keep us in their good books, we step out of the camera lens and we offer to take the picture instead. We share other people's ideas instead of sharing our own, we recoil at attention, even though deep down, we want to be seen known. It's almost as though, as the years roll on, we transform from these liberated little girls and become smaller and smaller versions of ourselves. And sometimes I even find myself and I cons like I consider myself to be a strong, wrong feminist with a really good nose for sniffing out bullshit ways of thinking. But I find myself sometimes even cringing that she could be so content with herself almost, you know, wanting to make sure that she doesn't get carried away with that. Um, and I have to like actively stop myself from curbing herself, acceptance, or like playing it down in a weird way. At six years old, my daughter really, and truly loves herself. And I wonder how many can say the same at 36, I've been in enough rooms and enough conversations to know that the term she loves herself. Usually isn't the kind of comment that you want to welcome, because what we've heard it said about is usually someone who isn't playing small. All, usually we hear it sad about someone who shows confidence in themselves, who shows up for themselves. He navigates or moves in the world with some sort of self assurance that rattles us. And so the words that we use to diminish her are, Hmm. She loves herself. And I think to myself, what do we really want her to do? Instead hit herself, ignore herself. Like numb herself out to her body and her desires. Is that what we want? Like, what's the opposite of loving yourself? Is it loathing? But I guess, you know, it makes sense that when women spend their time and their lives hitting themselves and thinking that they're broken, thinking that they're fat or ugly or not gifted, then capitalism and patriarchy wins and it wins because. we tend to then step away from our gifts, not wanting to be seen and we don't take up space. It wins because we stand, spend our time and our money trying to fix ourselves, our bodies, our skins, and we line the pockets of the beauty industry and already wealthy. So, what would it look like if we reframed, she loves herself and actually came around to that idea in celebration instead. what would it look like if we gave other w women permission to be as audaciously, loving toward themselves else as a six year old is. What would it mean if we started using, she loves herself as something to aim for rather than a free is to take someone down AEG. What would it mean for you to decide to love yourself some more, to not SWOT away, compliments, to not fixate on your appearance, to not justify your presence or point out your flaws? What would it mean for you to stand tall in your giftings to take up some more space and family conversations in your relationships, in the workplace? What would it mean for you to be in the picture, to ask for some time to share your ideas, to be seen? What would it look like for you to reclaim in your own way? She loves herself before I go. I just also wanna mention, uh, that I have another brand builder strategy day coming up on the 11th of May Wednesday at the 11th of May at my home in county Arma. And this is a full day of intensive and focused coaching and planning to help you and the other women that will join you. Um, To get clear and excited about the next stage of building your business. Uh, these days are immersive and intensive and we go through so, so much to help you get absolutely clear on your, your business impact on messaging, create plans for your offers, your marketing, um, to really up level your sense of business ownership. Uh, if this is right for you, you can check out the brand builder strategy J. Um, through the link of my profile on Instagram or go to Mel wigs.com/brand-builder-strategy dash. There are only five spaces available. Um, this is a small group in person. Experience, uh, for female business owners who need that real injection of clarity, uh, to help them build a beautiful regenerative profitable business. So check it out as always, I am super grateful for your time. Listening to this, if you'd be so kind, it would mean so much to me. If you would take a minute to read and review the, the podcast on apple or Spotify, and maybe even share it with your friends or followers on Instagram stories or on WhatsApp or whatever, and you can feel free to get in touch with me with any of your thoughts on from at Mel Wiggins for email. hello@melwiggins.com. I really, really appreciate you. And I'll be back again in two weeks with another episode, we'll see you then.