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Mel: Welcome back my friends to courage is calling the pep talk station for women who want to be brave with their lives. I am your host male. I'm so glad to be in your ears or your car or your phone or your speaker today. Um, in this episode, I want to talk briefly about success and feelings. Um, this is such a big one.

Um, I have a lot to say, and hopefully it will, you know, provoke some. New understanding of success for you because ultimately the idea of success is really just, it's so subjective as not so high one person measures success. Isn't going to be the same as the next. Right. And I have this feeling because of the work that I do, that most of us are so disconnected to our own desires.

Uh Nate's. That we often end up defaulting to ascribing, to the measures of success that seem easy and measurable and palpable. Stuff like heading a certain number of followers on social media or your email list. Um, how many people buy from you or sign up to your thing, how much money you're bringing in every month, high, busy, or high in demand you are.

And by all means like these absolutely can contribute to the idea of being successful. I'm using some air quotes here. Um, and in some ways it feels really good to know that people are desiring our products or connecting with our work or are interested in what we have to say or share, but this can't be just at kind of like this just can't be all that we have been given as a measurement too. So what are we missing? What are we missing? Um, I wonder if what we're missing is a really critical metric. And I wonder if the critical metric that we're missing is high. We are feeling about what we're doing. And so often when we're bringing ideas into the world or creating a business or running a business or doing work, we feel excited about the focus is on these metrics that I just mentioned as a guidepost of high we're doing right.

And we kind of look to them to say, If, if it's air quotes working, I wish she could see my air quotes. I'm doing air quotes a lot, and we tend to bypass the feeling stuff and just cross our fingers that if the metrics add up, the feelings will follow that if the metrics start coming through, then the feelings will follow them.

But unfortunately that is usually the opposite of high at work. I've had several clients over the last year or so. Who on paper, based on the usual metrics are hitting all of those measures of success that I mentioned a minute ago, you know, they're booking clients, they're taking in lots of orders.

They're super in demand for their products and their services. And yet when we get into the coaching space together and really reflect on high, all of that is feeling. Successful is not a word that comes up. They're never saying, yeah, I feel really successful. Often. They're feeling really tired. They're feeling really frazzled and they're feeling really unclear. Those are the things that are coming up and often what I hear. Is that their work feels out of control that it's taken on a life of its own. It's like they work for their business instead of their business, working for them amongst all the other, very, usually very complex and busy demands of their whole, the whole rest of their life.

So to me, it seems like there is little to no connection between the standard measurement of success and the feeling of success. Maybe I’ll say that again, it seems like there's little to no connection between the standard measurements of how we are defining success and the actual feeling of success.

And then the work that I do, I feel like my jobs often a bite pulling my clients back to themselves, Dustin, off the road, that's been littered with expectations, arbitrary rules and measurements, and shining a light back to the center of who they are and asking what of this isn't working for your energy right now. What do you want? Less? Well, do you want more of what feels misaligned? Um, and you know, these are not the questions that come up in some sort of downloadable business plan through your local council. Um, but they really do hold the most par because when we are asking and answering these questions, when we make space to get quiet, About our real desires about how the work we maybe once loved is no mechanistic, feel about what we really want this work to look like within the context of the rest of our lives. Then, then once we, you know, dive into those questions, we can gently course correct and strategize to make them a reality and rebuilt that path towards that. And maybe if you're feeling stuck in the zone of, you know, setting metrics for yourself based on numbers and figures to identify high successful things are going, or you're feeling detached from how you want your work to fail and just kind of cruise on along and autopilot.

Um, maybe it would be helpful for you to sit down with some of those questions. And I'm going to share with you some of the questions and the metrics, I guess that helped me to unpack if what I'm doing is really fulfilling. Um, if it really is energizing me. So if you want to write these down and feel free, um, and, you know, check in with yourself, spend some time over these questions. So here we go, here are some other questions. So what kind of impact is my work? Having with the people that it's. Are they really feeling the intended shifts that they're there for? Are they trusting themselves more? Are they feeling supported? Hi, is my energy towards my work? Am I excited for it or am I dreading it? And if there's anything I'm dreading, what am I dreading and why? Hi, is my business, allowing me to live my life outside of it. Do I feel like I can switch off? Have I given myself so much to do that? I'm taking it into family time. Have I made up arbitrary rails for myself that are lemonade limiting my ability to experience joy or pleasure and the rest of my life?

What is the quality of my relationship? Hi, connected to, I fail to the people that really matter in my life. Do I feel like my reputation is holding up? Do I feel like I'm in integrity with how I'm communicating my work? Hi, I'm selling my services. Hi, I'm showing up for my clients. How do I feel about selling the service? I might delighted to let people know ABIDA and I grinded and the value of it. Or am I feeling some scarcity or fear? Do I feel momentum in my work? Like I'm finding space to grow deeper in my knowledge of how to help my clients. Um, I feel in supported, do I need to check in with my business support system?

So for me, that's maybe some other coaches or my supervisor. And I want, when you hear those questions, I don't know what comes up for you, but I do want you to be careful not to listen to them and contemplate them and dip into the pit of shame because shame is going to keep you stuck. It doesn't really inspire any action. So if you're contemplating these things and lots of them feel hard to answer or. Really scared to answer them. That's okay. You're not doing things wrong. That's not what I'm saying. That's not where we're going with this. You're doing your damn best. But I would encourage you to try and welcome this as an opportunity to reset with ITM lingering around, to be curious about these questions and use them as a way to maybe take some part back and inject the priority of how you are feeling as an integral part of your work. So for me, I know that with these questions as like thresholds for me to re reflect on, I am really likely to overlook. I'm really likely to load stuff onto my plate to numb EIT or disconnect because I'm too tired from all the stuff that I've given myself today. I'm likely to overthink. I'm likely to fix it on certain things to be easily hurt or offended and take things really personally, both with. My business. And in my personal life, I'm likely to be emotionally up and dying because my validation has been built on the wrong metrics. And these are the metrics that moderate to me. They might not all, you know, jive with you, but these are the metrics that matter to me because I know that when these things are prioritized, my work actually becomes a joy.

It becomes regenerative and a pleasure to be in. And the thing is that most of us start with the opposite metrics. The ones I mentioned at the beginning and hope that the rest will fall into place, or we believe that the outward success will somehow morph into an N-word feeling when the opposite is actually true.

When we realign our work or our business to take into account our whole self and put structures in place to honor that that is when the magic happens. I hope this gives you permission today to start to measure what you're doing from a different angle to set down the other measurements for a while. I hope you feel courageous enough, to be honest about the impact of what you're doing on how you're feeling.

And you're willing to take whatever steps you need to shift things around. If you didn't see us to do that, if you need someone to help you reflect back I'm here, you can always reach out on Instagram or email at hello@melwiggins.com, or if you're less than on it's before the 1st of November, 2021 uh, you can check out my month accelerator group coaching program, where we get into all of this, uh, it's now, and there's just a few spaces left. Um, as always, I really do appreciate you listening I'd love to hear from you. If any of this rings a bell or sits with you differently. And I will see you back here very soon. Um,