This is part 2 of Getting Brave with Your Boundaries, head back and read Part 1 first.

5 signs we may need to update our boundaries.

Martyrdom:

With this, you identify as having had your boundaries imposed and become overly defensive to ward off further imposition. Often you continue to be knowingly imposed on and then let others know of your martyrdom.

 

Resentment:

This is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past imposition of your boundaries, you feel resentment towards a lot of people, situations and expectations of you.

 

Invisibility:

This might involve you pulling in or withdrawing so that others, and maybe even yourself, never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not imposed on.  

 

Aloofness:

As a result of experiences of being ignored or rejected in the past it might feel easier to protect your boundaries by taking the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others. You may try to seem cool or withdrawn so not to have any boundary imposing experiences going forward.

 

Hyper Accessibility:

This is when it seems to you that nothing you think, feel, or do is your own business. You are expected to OR feel an urge to report to others all details and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you do not have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape and need to explain yourself to others – even people you don’t know.

 

HOW WE CAN ADVOCATE FOR OUR BOUNDARIES:

Now since we have gone through these five things -  you might have identified experiences or behaviours that could indicate that you have felt like your boundaries have been compromised or imposed – I want you to reflect on where some of these experiences came from?

What was the boundary that was not in place, was porous or wasn’t communicated or kept that allowed this to be the case? Based on the evidence markers above, can you connect to a situation or person where you know you need to update your boundaries in order to free you up or allow you to become more true to yourself?

 

5 WAYS WE CAN UPDATE OR ADVOCATE FOR OUR BOUNDARIES:

1. Have support in place before and after setting boundaries

talk it out with someone trusted before you set them with someone or something that you're feeling nervous about. Accountability is key.

 

2. Have clear agreements about expectations.

To be clear is to be kind. Don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you would like or to get as much clarity as you need so you can weigh up where your boundary lies on a particular situation.

 

3. Use simple and direct language.

"I've decided not to take phone calls between 10am and 2pm so I can get my work done. I will need to call you later."

"Although this cause is important to me, I need to decline your request for help in order to honour my family's needs right now."

"It's not okay with me that you comment on my appearance. I'd like you to stop doing that."

"I'll have to think it over; I have a policy of not making decisions right away, so I'll let you

know by __________."

 

4. Realise you do not need to defend, debate, or over-explain your feelings.

Be firm, gracious and direct. If you face resistance, repeat your statement or request.

 

5. Back up your boundary with action.

Show that you mean what you say. Be loyal to yourself and your values.

 

So now I want you to think about what you need to do in order to update the boundary that you have been struggling with, that has caused you to compromise in whatever way and which of these 5 ways might you need to activate to update that boundary for yourself?

What are you actively going to do to update that boundary?