So tell me in the comments – have you ever thought any of these things:

a)     I want to throw my phone at a wall because I am so sick of it and my own addictions to it. Even when I tell myself that it’s networking or marketing etc. It never ends.

b)     I never have any time for myself or for hobbies and I’m not even sure what my hobbies are any more because I am so consumed with running my home and my work.

c)     I feel like my brain never switches off because I’m always running from task to task and never feel like I’m fully giving my attention to anything.

d)     I feel like I’m always sneaking in work when I’m at home.

e)     My clients are demanding of me, I can’t say no.

f)      I am sick of saying “yeah, so busy, it’s mad” anytime anyone asks me how things are going.

g)     A weekend at home, alone, with a stash of movies and all the good snacks sounds like paradise.

OK – just making sure I am talking to the right people!

Firstly I want to say that you are very much in the right place and those are all thoughts that I have had at some stage or another. I came up with those 6 points VERY easily because that has been my own lived experience.

About four years ago, I was barely keeping my head above water. I was running a home. I was running a charity, I was running this business – Assembly, I had a two year old and a 6 year old and a marriage and other responsibilities to manage and I was right in the deep end. It came to a head after a bout of panic attacks started out of nowhere. One night I ended up at A&E thinking I was dying of a heart attack and after that, I knew I needed to address how what was going on on the outside was effecting me on the inside. I needed to make some changes. Not only did I need to get some help medically, I knew I needed to work out a better, easier way of doing things that didn’t involve me sacrificing my mental and physical health.

So. I want to share some of that learning. I want to talk you through some of the insights that I’ve gained, the mindset shifts that have really helped me to feel more safe and free in my life and work. How does that sound?

I think the key thing here is getting to the baseline of why we are so frazzled and torn and I have a few ideas about why this is so and why women in particular are grappling with this desire for balance so much more than men and why it is distracting us from the amazing work that we should be doing in the world.

 WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

BOUNDARIES ARE:

1)     Boundaries are not constrictive, they are freeing.

Maybe you have grown up in a culture where boundaries have mean restriction or being confined. Sometimes they get a bad rep and can be associated with stuff that hasn’t served us in the past. But I want you to know that boundaries, when applied the right way – are SO self supportive and SO freeing. When we are really clear about what is serving us well and what isn’t, boundaries are the action point to help us align what we truly want to be doing. I want you to ask yourself, what freedom do I need to have that I don’t right now? What boundaries can I put in place around my work, my relationships, the things that feel ill-fitting to me right now that will bring me more freedom and more opportunity to focus down on the things that will really help me grow and develop?

The second thing I want us to understand about boundaries is this:

2)     Boundaries do not equal letting people down, they mean we get to be really clear and kind with the people that matter to us most.

There is nothing that can harm a relationship more than unclear, undefined boundaries. Often when a relationship is strained, difficult and burdensome, it’s because we have allowed our boundaries in that relationship to be unclear or loose. When our loyalty to ourselves remains in tact and we are clear about what we are willing to do, how much time we are able to invest, what kind of support we can offer or how much of ourselves we can give, it fosters safety and clarity in our relationships. I want you to think of relationships that you are having difficulty in right now -it could be work or client relationships, it could be family or friends – notice where communication or clear boundaries might be ambiguous or avoidant. It’s not too late to update your boundaries and be clear with the people that you care about. It might be that you have to draw a line, or say no, or let someone know that you aren’t able to commit to the thing in the way that you thought you could before.

This can feel stretchy at first, because adjusting and updating boundaries might trigger reactions but the best thing you can do for others and ultimately yourself is to be clear in order to be kind.

Brene Brown says “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

And finally – one last truth about boundaries:

3)     Boundaries offer us the opportunity for us to do our best work, to be self supportive and intentional about what you want to offer, create or how you want to serve. Boundaries allow us to be really true and loyal to ourselves.

When we are intentional about where we stand on things, how much time we have, what our priorities are (which can and should shift for different seasons of life) we WILL see our truest work coming through. There is something about being really clear on what matters and what is most important that will allow us to syphon off things that actually were never meant for us. We can be specific about our offerings and services, we can be more focused on doing the stuff that brings out our best, we can serve or work from a place of intention and peace rather than burnout or scarcity or resentment.

WHAT’S IN OUR WAY

So – here are some reasons that I think might be in the way of us feeling more safe, free and focused. What I’d love for you to do is write down some of these points as we go along, comment away in the comment section AND I’d LOVE to hear if any of these reasons sound familiar for you:

WHAT’S IN THE WAY:

1)     Trying to contend with the patriarchal society that we live in.

This is a BIG ONE. And it underpins so much of what we do and how we view balance and boundaries. We are FOREVER trying to compartmentalise our lives. Not acknowledging that there will always be a bleed and then forever feeling guilty that we can’t switch off. What we sometimes forget is that the systems and the functions of this world are not built for women who want to explore their desires. They are not built for us to manoeuvre between home and work easily. We are constantly thrown off by systems and barriers that have been created by men to suit male needs and operations. And what happens when we come up against this is that we surmise that something is wrong with US. And we swallow the guilt pull. And guilt will eat you right up. And it will eat up your time and productivity or action. Guilt halts action. When guilt is rife, we operate out of shame and that is NEVER good soil to grow anything from. And it’s all because we are operating in a world that is not designed for our flourishing. Strides have been made, for sure, but policies, procedures, allowances, stereotypes ALL STILL GRAVITATE TO A MALE CENTRED WORLD – where we orbit around the male normative way of doing things. So so much of our guilt is misplaced because we forget that the world is not set up in a way that enables women to feel good about existing in multiple roles. And this heaps and heaps and heaps shame on us that we absolutely don’t need. That’s a big one. That’s something all of us need to question, pick apart and that’s why we need to find good female role models for this stuff and BE GOOD FEMALE ROLE MODELS for this stuff.

2)     More practically speaking, there may be other reasons why you are feeling a real struggle in setting boundaries and getting any balance – another reason why balance and boundaries may feel off to you might be in overestimating your capacity.

We are saying yes when we mean no. We are taking on too much and then feeling like massive failures when we don’t do it or when we do it out of duty. We are resenting saying yes and then wasting more time and energy stewing over the things that we wish we didn’t say yes to. Maybe this is about having difficult conversations? GENEROSITY CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT BOUNDARIES. B.B. Boundaries are not easy. BUT They are the key to self love and treating others with loving kindness. Nothing is sustainable without boundaries.

3)     Another reason why we might find ourselves flailing in terms of boundaries and balance is simply not having an actual plan for your business or work and just flying by the seat of your pants.

Switching from task to task and feeling half assed in lots of areas. If you work for yourself and you have not given yourself the gift of some structure, it’s SUPER likely that you are scrambling. You are not prioritising well, you feel swamped. You are doing a lot of comparing and looking around at other peoples work or businesses. Giving yourself the gift of a plan, of a strategy is significant in taking yourself, your offerings, your work seriously and tuning into your own way of doing things.

4)     Thinking that you should be able to do it all. Not asking for help.

Not getting creative with collaboration, with sharing ideas, with investing in support. You are the marketer, the creator, the admin, the CEO, the accountant, the bookkeeper, the designer, the cleaner – whatever it is – we would absolutely never be expected to do ALL of this in a traditional job. What are the things that you are labouring over that are absolutely none of your business in your business? What do you wish could be taken off your hands. Time and money are the same energy and we are exchanging them all the time – what is it about our hesitation to do this in our work.

 5)     Still hanging on to the belief that the harder you work work work the more you will earn earn earn.

Slogging it out instead of being really smart and strategic about your time.

Are any of these connecting? I’d love to hear.